


it was a thousand to one and a million to two [time to go down in flames and i'm takin' you]

by MichaelKyan



Series: queer mavin [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: (more than one), (the last bunch are for the second half of the story), (well trans characters), Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Character, Break Up, Demisexuality, Depression, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Gay, Homoromantic, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Multi, Polyamory, Train derailment, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 12:56:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 50,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2192622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MichaelKyan/pseuds/MichaelKyan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They weren't really meant to meet in the first place, but it was difficult when Michael had a loud voice next to an open window with Gavin strolling past it. But, god, it would become their world's most appreciated coincidence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. dream out loud

**Author's Note:**

> Story title - Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Do or Die by Thirty Seconds to Mars

PART 1 

* * *

Michael didn't lead on that he was scared. Despite the fact the entirety of the lecture hall turned to stare at him, he sat up straight. He kept his shoulders broad and his voice as confident as he could muster. 

"I mean, the word was meant to be written masculine, but it must have slipped my mind?" His voice cracked. 

"Well, Miss-urp-Mister Jones, that's not actually the problem that I'm seeing. You tried saying 'She is very excited to see her friends', when instead you used the wrong kind of 'excited'..."

"Oh- wow, okay, yes, I see what you're getting at Mr. Ramsey. That's my bad."

"And yes, you wrote the wrong pronoun. Good catch there, but please learn the difference in your excitement," said the professor, as the other kids chuckled in disbelief. 

Michael slid down in his seat and wished to melt away. It was only three weeks into university life and he was beginning to struggle. He was figuring out that Chinese class in college was much more intense than in high school. Silly mistakes, like writing one little part of a character wrong, were making him look incompetent. After just a few years of studying before, he now often surrendered to stage fright if he was asked to participate in class. These kids knew what they were talking about, and he could barely distinguish between "excited" and "horny". The second he heard his professor dismiss class, he bust out of his seat and into the late afternoon of his campus. 

"Damn slang..." he muttered under his breath as he left the classroom. He picked up his cell to call his friend to curse him out for his research.

"It's Ryan!" his friend yelled into the receiver. 

"Damn it, Haywood! 'Horny' instead of 'excited'?!" 

"Hey, don't blame me, Michael. You're the one that didn't bother to check up on it. Or better yet, learn the 'school appropriate' one for your cute little class."

"Fuck off, kid. I had the entire room stare me down for like the fifth time."

"Bro, that's not horrible. I've had much worse back in high school. Y'all should just chill."

"Ryan, we've only had 5 classes this year. Everyone knows who I am. And my teacher keeps fucking up and I'm losing it."

"Like, with...?"

"Yeah, keeps stuttering over 'Mister'." 

Michael unlocked his dorm room and entered the common space. There were two separate bedrooms, one bathroom to share, and a small living room fitted with a couch and a love seat. Michael brought a used TV and an Xbox for comfort and god, it was a wise investment. He decked out one of the bedrooms like he would have at home since no one else would be in there. The other room was as it was during orientation - white, barren, empty. The school said that there were an odd number of students and had no one to fill the room. 

"I don't want this anymore, Ryan. I just want my court date and then I can get on the fucking wagon." Michael cracked a window open to let the September breeze roll through and ease his mind. 

"Well, the only thing I can do in that case is come over and distract you to make time go faster. Free later?"

"Yeah, sure. Mind picking up some sodas? I'll pay you back."

"No problem, Mikey Wikey. See you about 6:30 or 7 depending on my memory."

Michael tossed his phone onto the couch and then flopped down himself. He unzipped his chest binder from over his shirt and coughed twice. 

"I wear a binder for this?" he whispered to the atmosphere. He put his glasses on the table beside the couch. The wind rolled through his curly hair and dorm room, throwing summer to the curb. It brought tears to Michael's eyes, from remembering his summer and looking forward, though college and life.

"Is it October yet? Goddamn it!" Michael cried aloud, "Why was I born like this?! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GOOD ENOUGH?!"

"YOU'RE TIPPY TOP DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!"

Michael burst up and grabbed his glasses. He scanned around his room before his eyes landed on the window. Peering out, he saw another boy outside, now trying to look for somebody.

"Did you say that?" Michael called out the window, calling the attention of the man. The other looked up and smiled. 

"I called that out, yeah! Was that you shouting?" 

"Yeah, sorry about that!" Michael hollered. "Thank you!"

Michael tilted his head to take in the appearance. The kid was lean and looked about his height. His hair was sandy while resembling a hurricane. A pair of jeans hung from his frame with a red hoodie covering a matching shirt. A British accent laced his words. The kid fumbled for a minute trying to find his own glasses. 

"Uh, you're welcome...what's your name?" the teenager called back.

"Michael Jones, what about you?"

"Gavin! Gavin Free." 

"It's really nice meeting you!" 

"The same to you! Wait, what room are you up there? 3-something-something?"

"349, why?"

"It's customary to shake hands! Hold on!"

Not even a minute later, Michael turned to the knock on his door. He opened it as he quickly re-zipped his chest binder from under his shirt. He found Gavin standing there, arm extended. "Hello!! Oh, sorry, now we're really close together, I probably shouldn't shout anymore."

Michael laughed while shaking hands. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Gavin smiled and put his head against the door frame. "You wouldn't happen to have any water, would you? I'm absolutely winded."

"Yeah, I think I have some bottles left. Please, come in," Michael moved out of the way to let the stranger inside. Gavin was blown away by the Xbox and television as he took a seat on the couch. Michael emerged from his bedroom, chucking the water bottle at Gavin. 

"Sorry it's room temp, I don't have the money right now for a fridge," Michael explained as Gavin downed the water. "Wow, you were fuckin' thirsty."

Gavin rested the now empty bottle on the table and continued breathing heavy. "I'm skinny but in no way muscular. Plus, I recently had surgery and probably shouldn't have bound up 3 fights of stairs."

"Oh shit, are you alright? What happened?"

"Nah, nothing, I'm fine... top, even," Gavin waved off the conversation. 

"Do you need anything else? More water?"

"Nah, nah I'm good. I just need to breathe a bit is all."

Michael disappeared into his bedroom and reemerged with another bottle of water, just in case. Gavin took it and downed that as well, giving breathy thanks in between sips. 

"No roommate?" Gavin asked, his breathing becoming regular.

"You caught me." Michael sighed. "A suite for two with one occupant."

"I don't have a roomie either, don't feel bad," Gavin said. "They just told me that there weren't any other kids in my housing complex to stick me with, and gave me the suite anyways. Probably because I'm new here or somethin'."

"Yeah, same situation here. Fuckin' odd. What year are you?"

"Sophomore, fresh from the boat. What about you?"

"Freshie. I came from a few states over with my best friend from high school. He has his own apartment a few roads down from his 'rents. Lucky bastard."

"Ah, well that's pretty cool! I have...well, exceptionally close friends living nearby, too."

"What makes them exceptionally close?" Michael asked, lightly giggling.

Gavin looked around and closed the window. "Look, I don't really know you so I'm not really sure why I'm going ahead and telling you this. I haven't gotten to know the area very well yet so I don't know how you'll take this, but I beg of you to keep it to yourself, for well-being."

Michael sat up a little straighter from the man's sudden serious tone. "Oh, yeah sure. Don't worry."

Gavin sighed and smirked a little bit. "I'm in a homosexual polyamorous relationship with two men I met on the Internet."

"Wow, yeah, that's some shit to keep inside," Michael blurted out, "Shit, th-that's not what I meant! I'm cool with gay stuff; I just meant the area can be a bit...eh."

Gavin chuckled and stood up from the couch. "You are one top man, Michael Jones. I best be getting out of your hair now, I have a bloody Chinese exam tomorrow and I'm nowhere near ready for it."

Gavin pet Michael's hair and walked out of the dorm room. Michael sat in a stunned silence before scurrying around looking for paper. As Gavin reached the early autumn evening, he heard Michael yell from above. Michael sent down a paper airplane in his direction, floating in the breeze. Gavin hopped to catch it before it hit the dirt.

"555-098-2367. Bit of important knowledge for your exam (or any upcoming exams) - 好色 is horny - 兴奋 is excited. Know the difference. -Michael"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of ideas come from http://imagineyourotp.tumblr.com  
> Thanks to http://roosterstiel.tumblr.com/post/72680216036/mavin-au-where-michael-is-a-teenager-so-frustrated for this particular idea  
> Also thanks to my friend Adri for helping me sort some plot points out and bounce ideas of off (check her out: http://zexionlover411.tumblr.com/)  
> Google Translate helped me with the translation  
> My blog: http://princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com/


	2. it's almost like i found a friend who's in it for the bitter end [part 1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Turn Off the Lights by Panic! at the Disco

"Michael! Miiiiiichael! I hath brought Dr. Pepper and Green Tea Coca Cola alllll the way from Japan! (...don't know why anyone would actually drink it...) but it was on saaaaalllleeeee!" 

Ryan stood outside Michael's dorm room, ready to tear up their Friday night with sugar and video games. Michael was nowhere to be heard, so naturally, Ryan continued banging on the door.

"Miiiiiichael! As an added bonus of my wondrous friendship of foreign cola, I also brought two new games for us to check outtttt! Miiiichael! Michael Vincent Jooooones? (I still don't know why you chose that weird ass middle name) but it's youuuurrrssss!"

Michael flung the door open, wet hair dripping on the linoleum floor and two towels covering his body, one wrapped around his hips and another draped over his shoulders. His eyelids lowered as he sighed heavily.

"You have a key, Ryan. Remember when we went out to illegally copy it so you could have a key to my dorm?"

Ryan blinked twice and entered without a word. Michael threw on a pair of old plaid pajama pants and a concert shirt. He sat down next to Ryan and cracked open a can of Dr. Pepper. "Really gotta start remembering that fuckin' key."

"Well, you'll be happy to know that I have sodas and games for our night of festivities. I've been saving the green tea Coke for a special occasion and here we are!"

"What's the occasion, my court date being in three weeks?"

"Well, there's that, of course!" Ryan cheering, high fiving his friend. "But I've also met someone and I'm very excited about it."

"Oh, lovely," Michael started, popping a game into the console. He handed Ryan a wireless Xbox 360 controller. "You said you'd join me tonight for my well-being yet we're also here for you," he teased.

Ryan punched Michael's arm. "You know what I mean, dumbfuck. His name is Jack and I'm falling fast."

"Damn son, that's quick to say. Where'd you meet this kid? He's in college?"

Ryan cocked his head to the side. "He attends a college, technically. I met him on school grounds a few weeks ago!"

Michael set up their game with his eyebrow raised. "What the hell are you talking about, Haywood?"

"He's one of my theater professors. It's his first year teaching, so I mean, he's pretty young still."

"Oh, goddamnit, you always go for teachers!" Michael complained. 

"Hey, he's a professor! At least it's legal now! So he's in his late 20's...that's only about a 10 year difference!"

"Jesus." 

Michael and Ryan officially began their new game, often physically moving themselves to help them in their journey. They swerved left to right, up and down trying to somehow defend their reasoning for doing such odd things. Michael let Ryan idly rattle on about Professor Pattillo: how he spoke with the confidence of a king but could also joke like a professional comedian. Michael died often in this game, despite being on "normal". His mind shone a spotlight on the lanky British kid, Gavin. 

"...and he also has a beard, which I'm not typically a person for, but his is always so perfectly groomed..."

"I met someone new today."

Ryan paused the game and stared at Michael in awe. "You what?"

"His name is Gavin Free. I think he's from England. He had surgery. I'm really confused about this, Ryan."

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there. Tell me everything, from the beginning."

Michael was able to make a 10 minute encounter with Gavin a 30 minute story. He told how he was shouting about himself and how Gavin overheard, to when Gavin burst upstairs to say hello and then drank two full water bottles in about a minute. And then Michael's voice cracked when he told Ryan Gavin's relationship status.

"Wow, two men, huh?" Ryan chucked. "Lucky him, I can barely get one."

"Dude, I'm being serious right now. I've never met someone who's polyamorous." Michael began to fidget. 

"Bro, why are you freaking out so hard? Sure, he's probably off with his troupe right now gettin' freaky, but what does that matter to you, Mr. 'Oh, I'm Demisexual, Sex is Only Good When I Loooove You!'?" Ryan asked, his voice changing from serious to mocking mid-sentence. 

"That's why I'm fuckin' confused! I want to get to know him, but I mean, I don't want him to think I'm fucking coming onto him! And, rude, I don't have to necessarily love somebody. Just have that bond, y'know, that really close bond, be it love or something else."

Michael cracked open some of the odd smelling Coke and quickly sipped. The caffeine would soon trace his veins and give him a boost.

"Yes, yes, I understand. Just trying to make light of the situation, don't mind me." Ryan set everything down and turned his body to his friend. "Let me ask you, Michael. What do you want from knowing Gavin? Love? Friendship? Attention from someone who isn't me? You can tell me, you know, even though I won't bring you foreign finds anymore." 

Michael hadn't come this far. Knowing a man like Gavin, or what he knew from 10 minutes of conversation, he was wondrous. He wanted to know Gavin inside and out, from the infatuation with the color red to the very reasoning of coming to America for school when he was queer in an accepting, but not completely understanding, part of the country. Gavin carried an enigma wherever he walked, it looming over him like a cloud, ready to intrigue anyone who caught its glimpse. And what caught Michael was far from anything extraordinary Gavin could offer.

"Gavin doesn't know my past," Michael whispered, "He doesn't know high school me, or junior high me, or elementary school me. He's never seen a picture of me from before junior year, or any photo at all, really. He doesn't know my peers, except maybe you at some point if Gavin and I actually become close friends. He doesn't know how fucked up I am. And, yeah, he might one day, but by then I'll earn his trust and he'll appreciate me for me without giving a shit that I was born with a vagina and breasts and had a different fucking name up until my sophomore year of high school and even then it's not legal but it will be in three weeks when I finally go in for my court date but he wouldn't care because we'd be friends and friends love each other."

Ryan's mouth hung agape as Michael finished his words. "That caffeine made you sappy as fuck, dude."

Michael took deep breaths to get himself back down from the rush. "I'm just tired. And it made me sound unappreciative of you, which was unintentional. That was my bad."

"Hey, don't apologize for that shit. That sounded like it needed to come out, or else it would just fuckin' burst someday. It was...oddly poetic." Ryan gleamed. 

"Eh, forget it. Gavin's just a kid I met by sheer coincidence and I doubt he'd even bother to text-"

Michael's phone vibrated twice, each buzz signaling a different message.

"hi michael, it's gavin!

how are you feeling?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks again to my friend Adri for her advice and help (zexionlover411.tumblr.com)  
> My blog - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com


	3. it's almost like i found a friend who's in it for the bitter end [part 2]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Turn Off the Lights by Panic! at the Disco

An underground punk song woke Michael from his sleep the next morning. He pulled his sheets over his head, leaving a few curls exposed to the room. Autumn colored leaves danced across his window and the sun peered through looming clouds, threatening rain later in the day. The song began playing again, and Michael cursed himself for picking such an obnoxious tune for his ringtone. 

"What, Ryan?!" Michael yelled into the receiver while trying to untangle himself from the mass of blankets on his bed. 

"Jesus, you just wake up? It's 10 in the morning," Ryan answered. 

"I don't give a damn! What is it, you prick?" 

"Well, now I'm doubting to tell you." 

"Ryan, I swear to god, if you don't tell me what's so goddamn important, I'm going to find you, rip your nuts off and give them to my surgeon to attach to me." 

"Fussy fussy. You don't even have a surgeon yet!" 

"James!"

"Alright! There's a sale at that bookstore you're infatuated with, the one with the tiny cafe and random board games in the back. It runs until late tonight, but I know how you can somehow spend hours and hours in here so I thought this would be of interest to you. Plus, I think they're hiring so you could finally get off your lazy ass and work after classes." 

Michael smiled at his friend's consideration. "Thanks, dick. I'll pick you out something pretty." 

He crawled out of bed to pull on an oversized tee shirt and hoodie to spare his chest of a day bound. He didn't bother with jeans; he didn't really mind if he saw anyone out and about anyways. His pajama pants were extraordinarily comfortable. Just before heading out with his new debit card, he looked through his phone to the conversation he and Gavin had the night before. They talked back and forth with new friend conversation, 'where are you from?' - Gavin was from Oxfordshire - 'what's your major?' - Gavin was also in the theater program, like Ryan - 'what's your favorite vid game?' - Gavin liked Halo a lot - before Michael excused himself to get some sleep. He wished he stayed up later, waiting until the other left instead. 

His campus was within walking distance of a plaza full of food and stores, anything a college kid might need. There was a 7-11, McDonalds, and Burger King next to some smaller businesses, just for cookies or music. A large bookshop was there too, Michael's home away from dorm. Three stories tall, it was one of the nicer places Michael had ever been blessed to spend time in, and he often just went there to study and drink coffee. Today, though, with a sale happening, he needed to pick up some leisure reading. He had only a few titles left on his list and would soon resort to a lengthy GoodReads search. Today was going to be about self care, though, since he hadn't been giving himself much lately. 

It only took a few minutes (god bless housing for putting him on the south end of campus) to arrive at the heaven, which for a Saturday was shocking barren. Michael took in the fresh book and coffee smell and felt his shoulders melt away stress. Saturdays were special, days Michael reserved just for himself. 

He always began on story three, working his way down. The top floor held fiction primarily, with a splash of assorted nonfiction in a corner. The bulk of the nonfiction and textbooks were on the bottom floor, for quick access to rushed students. The middle floor was a cafe, with cushioned chairs and tables with board games nearby. Some tables were there, opposite the games, for students and professors to do work with a warm drink. Michael loved to browse the fiction, take a break for something to eat and/or drink, and then peek around the bottom level before checking out and heading back to the campus.

His journey throughout fiction was near perfect; he found each and every title he looked for, except for one. He found a different title in its place. He curled up in one of the suede chairs to read two right then and there, avoiding an extra $25 lost on his card. Hours passed before he closed the back cover of the second book, a Bradbury novel. When he did, a figure seemed to slip down the stairs of the store. Well, of course, people came and went as they pleased. Michael just caught a look at a red jacket that looked familiar. 

He stood to stretch and made his way down to the cafe for an impromptu dinner of hot chocolate and pastries. The cafe was near empty, spare a few students typing away on laptops and two couples playing a game of Scrabble in the corner. Michael's heart twitched at seeing the four people laughing and making memories, but he let it pass. 

He bought his food and turned around to see Gavin sitting at a table, invested in his cell phone with a mug next to him. Michael suddenly felt silly wearing pajama pants. 

"Hi there," Michael said, walking up to and smiling at the other man. 

"Michael!" Gavin cheered, "I wasn't expecting you." 

"Shit, if you were, that'd be a different story," Michael joked. "Uh, is it alright if I sit with you? Are you busy?" 

"Nah, not busy at all! Come, sit!" Gavin gestured at the empty seat across from him where Michael would sit. Michael hopped up and bust out his meal while Gavin finished typing something into his phone.

"Sorry about that. Just texting my 'exceptionally close' friends," explained Gavin, toying with the odd vocabulary of the day before. 

"Oh, it's no problem." Michael was far too invested in a cream cheese Danish. "Are they in class or something?" 

"One is, the other's at work. We always keep a group message running. Time zones can be a bit of a bitch. Enough about me, though, what's up with you? How's your Saturday?"

"Going well," Michael told, "I read a couple books and now about to dine on some unhealthy pieces of heaven. I might see my friend later but that's tentative." 

"Oh, yeah, the one you came with from high school?" Gavin asked. 

"Yeah, I'm shocked you remembered that. His name is Ryan Haywood if you ever see him around. He's in your major." 

"Sounds like a cool dude."

"Oh, man, he's the best." 

"Were you guys friends from grade school? I hear all those stories of kids who say they met their best friend in year one or year two." 

"Nah, we met online in, like, late middle school when he was still living in Georgia. We chatted a lot and mocked the whole 'don't talk to anyone on the Internet they're not who they say they are' propaganda. Then one day, about halfway through our freshman year of high school, he messaged me like 'BRO MY FAM IS MOVING TO NEW JERSEY WHAT TOWN DID YOU SAY YOU LIVED IN AGAIN' and I told him and it turned out he came to my school," Michael said, smiling as he remembered the conversation.

"That's incredible!" Gavin interjected. 

"Shit, I remember the day we met in person so damn clearly, because my older brother drove me to the airport to meet his plane. I couldn't tell my parents, y'know, because of that Internet propaganda they bought. So I had him drive me and we found his gate after walking around for 15 minutes and we nearly missed it but then we finally found 'Arriving from Atlanta GA' on a board and he came walking off. He almost didn't recognize me because that same day I chopped all my hair off and he was shocked to see me with ear-length hair after having it much longer but we still had one of those dramatic movie moments with him dropping his bags and me running across the terminal to hug the shit out of him. From there I showed him around school and made him comfortable and we hung out basically all the time. I was bullied a lot so he always was there to ward off the bullies and make feel safe when in return I helped him learn the ropes and make other friends even though he didn't really want any of them. Like he was friendly to other students and all and he'd never admit to this but he was content just sticking by my side. I don't know, he's one of those guys that I need in my life forever but never romantically or sexually, and I'm fairly certain he'd say the same. He's my platonic soulmate." 

Michael took a deep breath and looked around. Gavin was staring at him with wide eyes. "That's one helluva story there," breathed Gavin. 

"Holy shit, I am so sorry I went off on a tangent. Fuck! Second one in 24 hours." Michael stuffed his mouth with his second pastry, a muffin. "Your turn to spill anything you want, if you wish." Crumbs flew from his mouth. 

Gavin cocked his head to the side. "You talk a lot, Michael Jones. I dunno what to talk about now. Here, ask me a trivial question and see if I end up ranting too," he offered, lightly giggling. 

Michael glared at Gavin with a smirk. "Okay, here's my go-to getting to know you question. What's your middle name and the reason behind it?" 

"My middle name is David. It means 'beloved'. I-my parents-" Gavin paused to clarify, "-gave me the name since I'm so damn great! Kidding. No, we had an old family friend that gave us a lot in the past and they thought it would be a fitting tribute to stick it in their kid's name. Plus, the name meaning is pretty cool since my parents love me." "Ah, not as long a rant but I'll still take it." 

Michael grinned. "I like that name. So you're Gavin David Free?" 

Gavin's belly filled up with warmth with how each of the five syllables rolled off Michael's tongue. "Yep, all authentic!" 

"Alright, second question. Do you have any friends back home?" Michael asked. "I mean, besides your boyfriends? Do they live around here?" 

"I have a few friends back home that I kind of miss. But those are old high school chums that I can live without. One of my boyfriends lives in another part of England and the other in New York, actually. I came over here to potentially see him soon, that and this school has what I'm looking for in terms of major and location and price. The one that lives in England was steaming mad that I left, but now it gives him a reason to come over here sometime so he's okay with it." 

"Have the three of you ever been in the same room at the same time?" 

"Once, for a short week. Ray came over to England the summer after he graduated high school and Dan drove and we all met in London for a weekend, and then we all piled to Dan's for another while since it was holiday. Oh, I should clarify! Ray is the American from New York and Dan is the other Brit living overseas. Probably got confused there. We spent the days mainly just absorbing the fact we were all together, in the flesh. That and showing Ray around a foreign country. Besides that, we're on Skype and iMessage. We actually all bought iPhones just to use the group message feature and now we're all Apple nuts." 

Michael took in the glint of light that bounced off Gavin's eyes when he talked. He liked hearing the different sounds Gavin could make over different letters. The way Gavin explained his polyamory was fascinating to Michael; he only ever read about it but now, it was alive. 

The two rattled on for hours, talking about college life and the differences between America and England. Gavin ended up drinking three cups of tea and Michael bought two cups of coffee and an extra muffin. Occasionally Gavin would reply to a text from either Dan or Ray, but he still stayed invested in whatever odd topic Michael mentioned. Often it was about Gavin's relationship, so before long, Gavin turned the tables. 

"Have you- er, are you seeing anybody?" Gavin asked, idly picking crumbs off the table. 

Michael sucked the remains of his second coffee from the straw. "Not right now, no. I'm pretty okay with it, too. I thought I wasn't for a while. Now, I kind of have a lot going on so I think if I were to date it wouldn't set well. Getting used to college and all that shit." 

"Yeah, I remember the adjustment period, too. You'll fall into a rhythm that works for you soon. It's weird going from a place where you have to ask to take a piss to a place where you can literally go out and eat a cupcake at two in the morning without permission. I still dated through my adjustment, though." 

"With Dan and...Ray, right?"

"Yeah, Dan and Ray. We all met each together about two years ago, actually. Met in a chatroom and we all kept in touch. It wasn't until about a year and a quarter ago Dan asked us in a game of dumb truth or dare on Skype if we'd date him simultaneously, so at first it was like Dan is the only one having two boyfriends, but then Ray and I were just like 'why not? YOLO.' And we've been together since!" 

Gavin pulled out a chain from around his neck with a small charm on the end. It was the left curve of a heart with an "I" printed on it, except it was just a third of the size. "Dan has the middle of it with an 'L' and Ray has the other end with a 'Y'. We got them custom made when we were in London." Gavin explained, holding it in the palm of his hand. "I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I?" Gavin noticed Michael's hesitant eye contact and jittery hands. 

"Not uncomfortable, more curious," Michael explained, resting his arms on the table. "We met yesterday and now it's like we've been lifelong friends. I'm finding it more interesting. I told you how I met Ryan and the only other people I've really told that story to are random boyfriends I've had, and that's after weeks of knowing them." 

"Boyfriends, eh? So you've been around the block, as they say," Gavin pestered. 

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know. I've honestly dated 11 people, shortest two weeks longest 5 months. All ended for the same reason." 

"And what reason would that be?" 

"Well, seeing as it's now early evening and I have books to buy and jobs to apply for, I guess we'll just have to hang out again for you to find out." 

Gavin checked the clock with surprise at how late it had gotten. "Oh, damn, I best be off, too. I'll, uh, text you again?" 

"Yeah," Michael smiled, "That sounds good. Or even better, I'll text you this time." 

"Top!" 

Gavin stuck his hand out again for a handshake goodbye. Michael smugly returned the gesture. "Not a hugging kind of guy?" Michael was used to bear hugs that not only suffocated him but made his chest feel even more abnormal. 

"Oh, just you wait." 

Gavin turned on his heel and escaped the store, leaving only an empty mug on the table. Michael brought it over to the bin and left his own next to it, admiring the way the two looked side by side. He bought his books and picked up an application, praying that when he changed his name in two weeks and six days, they would still be hiring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Adri once again for her help (zexionlover411.tumblr.com)  
> My blog - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos so far everyone! Your feedback is very much appreciated! :D
> 
> I'm also updating and live-tweeting my process with this story so if anyone gives a damn my Twitter handle is @michaeldetuzi


	4. so stay, stay the night ['cause we're runnin' out of time]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Stay the Night by Green Day

"Michael! Michael!"

Gavin ran to catch up with Michael, who was heading to the university's Student Union for a bite to eat. Gavin had to weave in between other adults also leaving Michael's class, but soon caught up with his friend.

"Hey, Gav!" Michael spun around to face Gavin, holding his hand out for a handshake. Ever since that first day, they kept the encounter alive.

"Mind if I join you for lunch?" Gavin asked.

"Not at all! Join me for random fast food."

Michael and Gavin's friendship blossomed over the past three weeks. They'd meet up to play games, eat meals, or study every now and again. More often than not, they  ate, satisfying their post-pubescent hunger as if they were still in puberty. They learned each other’s schedules so that they could meet each other after classes.

They entered the Student Union (affectionately named "The U") to see a lot of kids had the same idea as them. Not a single chair was available once they bought some burgers; even assorted couches within the four story building were taken for lunch time. A wall next to an outlet became their lunch spot so their phones could charge up before they texted each other during class again. They shared stories from their classes that would be either too long to text or they were too funny to be sent through text.

"So then this kid got up to do a quick warm up, an improv sketch, before we actually got to work. Our teacher told us to pull out two Cards Against Humanity cards for her to act out. The two she got were "vigorous jazz hands" and "the Westboro Baptist Church". So you know how they picketed that band 'Panic! at the Disco'? She starts shaking her hands mad fast and singing the parody song the church wrote for Panic! It was absolutely top to see the quiet girl in class trying to sing 'I chime in with a haven't you people ever heard obeying the word of God?!' while forcefully shaking her hands."

Michael rolled over laughing, nearly facepalming into his ketchup pile. "Oh, man, we should try doing that sometime. That would be fuckin' fun as shit."

While Gavin googled the card game's website, one of Michael's professors passed by the duo, carrying a Subway bag. "Oh, hello there, Michael!"

"Hi, Dr. Ramsey!" Michael replied, taking a bite of his lunch. "How're you doing today?"

"Pretty well, thank you very much. I've been meaning to tell you, I'm very impressed with your progress in class. I wasn't sure how well you'd do on that last paper but it really struck me." Geoff twirled his legendary mustache.

"Oh, wow, thank you! Yeah, I've been helping my good friend here master the basics so it's been one constant refresher." Michael patted Gavin on the shoulder, having him look up from his food. Gavin gave a cheeky smile up to the teacher and his cheeks tinted a light shade of pink.

"Oh, that's great! I was worried about you not actually having any friends. That's really healthy, good for you! Remember, though, if you need help with new content, just stop by my office. My hours are on the syllabus."

"Thank you!"

Michael smiled as Dr. Ramsey walked away. "He just insulted me, didn't he?"

"Yep," Gavin smiled.

"Goddamnit!" Michael tossed his wrappers across the hallway, just barely missing the basket.

"Hey, but don't worry about him! He still seems cool," coaxed Gavin. "At least he offered extra help."

"Yeah, that's pretty true." Michael sighed as he stood up to get the trash.

"I'm, uh, you're 'good friend'?" Gavin whispered once Michael sat back down.

Michael hummed softly. "Yeah, yeah you really are." Michael ruffled Gavin's hair and they rambled on about nothing and everything until their next classes.

\--------------------------

The next afternoon, Michael skipped up the stairs, waving a paper in the air. Ryan jogged to keep up with the newly appointed Michael Vincent Jones. Michael's three week wait was over, after hoping to change his name for three years.

"So, Michael, you just got your name changed, _finally_. What are you going to do next?!" Ryan questioned. Michael could barely stutter out "picnic!"; he was so excited.

"I can't wait to tell all my professors! And next semester I won't even have to do that! It'll already be on the paper! Plus soon I'll start hormone therapy and find a surgeon and holy shit, Ryan, it's actually happening now!"

Meanwhile, Gavin stood outside Michael's dormroom, knocking and waiting. He had to ask him a Chinese-related question and since Michael wasn't answering his phone, decided to just take the walk over to make sure nothing was wrong.

When Michael turned the corner to his hallway, he stopped dead in his tracks, seeing Gavin down the way. Ryan ended up flying into his back and knocking them both to the carpet. Gavin turned his head from the door to Michael's to the tangled mess of men at the mouth of the hallway.

"Oh, there you are, Michael!" Gavin cried, rushing over to help them to their feet. "I had a question for you-oh, hello there."

"Oh, hey! Gavin, this is Ryan. Ryan, this is my friend Gavin I've been telling you about."

"Pleasure to meet you!" cheered both men, shaking hands.

"Oh!" Gavin cheered, " _You're_ the kid that always stays after class to talk with Professor Pattillo! I thought I recognized you!"

Ryan's face turned 50 shades of red while Michael just glared at him. "Always, huh Ryan?" Michael taunted.

"LLLLLLLet's not look into it. Hey! So, Michael, we have that...thing..." Ryan tried steering the attention back to Michael.

"Oh, sure, trying to escape the spotlight. Uh, yeah, Gav, actually, we're going on a picnic right now so I can't exactly help with Chinese...that's my bad."

"Oh, that's okay." Gavin nodded. "I'll be off then, no worries. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Or, Gavin, do you-do you want to join us?" Michael stuttered, praying Ryan wouldn't be mad.

"You mean it?"

"Yeah, come on, it's a happy day. I-uh- I got the rest of one of my scholarships though the system so I'm covered through this year." Michael pointed to and waved his name approval paper at the speed of sound to try and sell the lie.

"Sure, should I run and get anything?" Gavin offered. "I can run back to my dorm and meet you two somewhere."

"I could really go for literally any snack food you have," Ryan chimed in, looking to Michael to see if he'd agree.

"Yeah, why not? Grab what you're willing to spare and meet us right under the tree outside my window, where you were that night, okay?"

Gavin shook his head "yes" and ran off. Ryan unlocked the door to Michael's dorm and they piled inside.

"What the hell are you doing, Michael Vincent Jones?" Ryan lightly shoved Michael to the side. "'Oh yeah financial aid!! Let's have a fuckin' picnic for it!!'" he  
taunted.

Michael ran over to close his window before Ryan could get any louder. "Hey, he doesn't know and hopefully won't know, okay? He accepts me as Michael, which, shit, he has to now, as it's official." Even through the light argument, Michael still smiled at his name.

"I don't understand why you're so nervous. Are you nervous he won't accept you if you tell him? Because, I mean, he's queer as it is. I'm sure he'd understand."

"That doesn't mean shit, Ryan. Just because he's polyamorous slash gay slash he-hasn't-actually-told-me-his-label doesn't mean he'd be accepting of a transgender person. The LGBTQ community is kind of fucked up that way. It's more like 'L!! G!!! ...B? T?!?! Q???' Hell, transgender isn't even a sexuality when L, G, and B are. It's the minority group within the minority group. Sure, there's a top notch chance he'd be okay with it but I really don't want to fuck up what we got. Like how when I had a crush on you, I didn't do shit about it because it'd fuck up our dynamic."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that! Yeah, thanks for never coming onto me more than that, by the way. You're cool, but no."

"But do you see what I mean? I'm happy being friends with Gavin the way it is. Nothing more, nothing less."

\----

Gavin jogged back to his dorm room to fetch whatever junk food he had to share. The inconvenience of the distance between himself and Michael was beginning to get to him. They spent a lot of time at Michael's since he was cleanlier, so Gavin was often making the journey all the way across their large campus and back. It gave him ample time to text Dan and Ray, though, since they were both off duty.

Gavin: "hey guys!"

Dan: "hey baes!"

Ray: "what's happenin'"

Gavin: "goin' to a picnic with my friend michael and his friend ryan"

Gavin: "i didn't know his friend ryan was in one of my classes until a few minutes ago isn't that cool"

Dan: "oh is it like a big thing? like you know those all campus bbqs they have?"

Gavin: "no it's just the 3 of us. some of michael's financial aid went through apparently."

Gavin: "he and ryan were gonna have it just the two of them but then michael invited me along :D"

Ray: "..."

Dan: "..."

Gavin: "what's wrong guys?"

Dan: "you spend a lot of time with this michael kid. he's all you talk about anymore... next to whatever new show you're watching"

Ray: "yeah like do u have anything else to do"

Gavin: "why are you two suddenly so uptight it's not like i have anyone else to talk to in person these days"

Dan: "well excuse me i can't exactly drive to you anymore"

Ray: "and yeah i have work i can't drop my life just to see u. i want to but shit man i'm up for promotion i can't risk it"

Gavin: "i love you two and you both know that. but dan i don't get mad @ u for hanging with any of ur friends"

Gavin: "and ray i know u have friends in the city"

Gavin: "you guys do trust me...right?"

Ray: "yeah!!"

Dan: "of course!"

Gavin: "alright...michael thinks you two are nice. he asks about you two a lot"

Dan: "really?"

Gavin: "yeah i don't think he's seen much polyamory before so he's still taking it in lol"

Ray: "ah i don't blame him i had that ALL the time my senior year when i told ppl about you guys"

Dan: "he seems like a good kid just....remember your necklace! i have mine on right now"

Ray: "i do too"

Gavin: "me three"

Gavin's phone was silent for a minute, possibly, before Ray messaged him one on one.

Ray: "so...i know ur probably gonna say no...but i need to ask again. u said u don't have a roommate right?"

Gavin: "that's right..."

Ray: "maybe i can come up sometime...we could..have some fun?"

Gavin: "ray narvaez junior you know my sexuality damn well"

Gavin turned his phone off in anger, reaching his two friends across the yard. He took a deep breath to decompress and celebrate whatever it was Michael did that day that rewarded a picnic.

\----

"So wait, why do you even like him?"

"Gavin, you've seen him! He's tall and his beard is perfect and _have you seen his eyes?_ "

Ryan was off again about Jack, that professor he was "in love" with. Michael and Gavin chuckled at how passionate Ryan was, a sight that was rare according to Michael.

"Yeah, I guess, but he gets so quiet sometimes. It's like he doesn't know what he's doing," explained Gavin.

"Well, if you had to teach a bunch of people for the first time, I'm sure you'd get forgetful too!"

Michael laughed as the two debated over their teacher. They sat underneath a shedding tree in the warm October sun. A pale blue blanket spared them grass stains and ants. Their basket had a dozen sandwiches and bags of chips, paired with some odd fruits and a package of cookies Gavin brought from his dorm.

"Yo, where did you find these peaches? I can't get over how good they are," Michael asked Ryan.

"Just at the grocery. They're in season so I was like 'Fuck yeah, peaches!! Peach time!'" Ryan incidentally splattered peach juice all over when he talked.

"Say it, don't spray it, asshole," Michael complained.

"Oh, so do you have that paper you waved about before? Do you mind if I took a look at it? I mean if it's money stuff you don't have to and all, I was just curious," Gavin asked.

"Oh, shit... well I, uh, left it up in my dorm, tucked away with all my other money papers and stuff. I can show you another time, maybe? It was about...$1,000-ish actually if you're curious about that."

"Oh, yeah that's all it was. That's fantastic!"

Michael was especially proud of the save.

Ryan resumed his usual professor chatter while the trio sprawled out on the blanket. Michael and Gavin were head to head, feet nearly touching. Ryan was above them, perpendicular to the other two, dazing into the clouds as he explained the very differences between Jack's beard from one day to the next. Gavin occasionally wiped moisture away from his eyes, planning to pass it off as allergies if either of them asked. Having Ray say what he said hit Gavin hard, and as a grand time he had with his new university friends, it came back once they were quieter. Michael could feel the sad energy of Gavin moving and it disrupted whatever peace he had from relaxing.

Once the sun had set and the sky turned into a navy blue sea of stars, they brought everything upstairs to Michael's. Ryan left to get back to his apartment before it  
got any later. Gavin tried escaping along with him, but Michael pulled him back in the door frame and locked it.

"What was up with you?" Michael asked, "Were you tearing up outside? Are you okay?"

"I just- Ray got to me earlier and it's been messin' with my head. I'm fine, really. Once I sleep it'll all be better." Gavin looked to the floor, willing his tears to  
not start falling.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I mean, I- here, look."

Gavin pulled his phone and turned it back on before giving it to Michael. He showed him what Ray had asked, about trying to hook up on campus.

Michael frowned at the small screen. "I don't understand..."

"I'm asexual, Michael. And he knows it. They both do. And every now and again one of them will ask. They think it's a fad or that I'll grow out of it or something. They're both sexual and I'm not. And they still don't get it." Gavin's voice quivered with anger and remorse.

Michael's jaw dropped as he heard the label. "I-uh, asexual, huh?"

"What, are you also that weird percent of the LGBT community that doesn't believe that ace people exist? Or better yet, do you even know what being asexual is?!" Gavin stepped forward, eyebrows pointed down, ready to fight.

"What? Fuck no. Gavin, I'm demisexual. I'm right next to you. And even then, there's little drive. I-I never met anyone else who was ace or demi or anything...outside the Internet, I mean, so this is, like, wow."

Gavin's mood did a 180 and he beamed. "No shit, I wouldn't have pinned you to be _that_ queer." Gavin snorted.

"How queer _did_ you pin me, you asshole," Michael pestered, laughing at his friend.

"At least gay! You told me yourself you had 11 boyfriends!"

"Homoromantic, demisexual. Even then, I'm as innocent as I was the day as I was born, spare from tongue kisses."

"Me too! Well, the homoromantic. Holy shit, you're the _only_ other homoromatic person I've known! This is so top! This really takes the sting out of Ray being an twit."

Michael stepped forward, ready to give Gavin an instinctual hug. "Wait, no, you're not a hugger... here, I'll hug your hands instead."

Michael took both his hands and sandwiched Gavin's between them. He squeezed extra tight, warming Gavin's hands with his own. Gavin's eyes lit up with the contact, surprised Michael cared enough to be innovative. Gavin could feel the calluses on Michael's hands pressing into his skin and nearly began memorizing the patterns. After a few seconds, they broke their "hug" and stood in silence before Michael needed to break it.

"If you, uh, wanna crash here tonight, I still have that extra room," Michael offered. "It's dark out there and shit, could be dangerous."

"Yeah, yeah, that sounds really cool."

Michael gave Gavin the key to the spare room and a pile of blankets for the bed. He found an old pair sweatpants for Gavin to change into instead of the jeans he was already wearing. They said "good night" and went off to cry from the sheer fact they met someone who made them feel less alone in such an intimidating world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy one week anniversary to this story! I'm very impressed with what I've been able to do in a relatively short amount of time (and I only wish I started sooner before I start school again)
> 
> Updates will be a little more spaced out once school startx up again so it may turn into once or twice a week. 
> 
> Again, thanks for a warm amount of kudos! Comments, kudos and love are always appreciated. 
> 
> Ideas often start from imagineyourotp.tumblr.com  
> Thanks to my friend Sophie for showing me the "peach time" meme that helped develop the picnic scene (attiqdemos.tumblr.com)  
> Thanks once again to Adri for help and such (zexionlover411.tumblr.com)  
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com


	5. is that a light at the end of the tunnel that i see, i see, please let it be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Morning After by Dead by Sunrise
> 
> *This was originally the title for chapter 4, but it fits better here. Chapter 4's title has been updated as well

October took off like a jet once Michael changed his name. Well, as much that could change in one week. Gavin spent a lot of time in Michael's spare room to cut out a couple mile's walk to his own dorm. Ryan donated his spare key to Gavin for the meantime, seeing as he needed it more than himself. The three of them became a trio of friendship; Ryan and Gavin loved relaying stories from their acting class to Michael after hours. After Ryan left after dark, Michael and Gavin would stay up until the early morning, telling old stories and still learning tidbits about each other. 

Michael would still have one-on-one time with Ryan while Gavin texted and talked with his boyfriends. 

\---

Michael and Ryan were spread out across Ryan's apartment floor with a bag of chips and flavored waters. Since Gavin had joined them on their last picnic, the two of them rescheduled to celebrate the new Michael one on one. 

"This is a much better alternative to an outdoor picnic." Ryan sighed, "Less bugs and more food."

"We had so much more food when we were outside, you idiot," Michael retorted. 

"Well, I mean, I still don't know Gavin very well so I feel funny eating my normal amount in front of him, y'know? With you I can plow through two full bags of Lays and you don't bat an eye," Ryan said, stuffing more chips into his mouth.

"I guess, man. Save some for me, fucker."

"How's Gavin doin' anyways? Still with his group o' gay?"

Michael threw a pillow at Ryan for his phrase. "I mean, I think they're alright. Gavin looks more tired, though, and I don't think it's from classes."

Ryan questioned what he meant and Michael explained how he could sometimes hear Gavin on Skype with Dan and Ray until the really late hours of the morning. He would go from whispering to near yelling before catching himself. 

"I've heard him cry before, too. It sucks a lot, man." Michael's heart braided itself from remembering the quiet weeps from one night.

"Wait, how do you know all this?"

"Didn't I tell you he crashes at my dorm a lot?"

Ryan snickered. "Nah, but I figured it out and just wanted you to say it. All joking aside, though, you might want to consider asking him about it. You two are nearly roommates as it is. You can clearly trust each other."

"Being roommates would be a lot of fun..." Michael wondered aloud. "I don't know. I'm just worried for the kid."

"Just talk to him, see what's going on, he clearly likes you enough to stay near you in his most vulnerable time. See what's up."

Michael's face felt warm as he heard the phrase "clearly likes you".

\---

R: "hey kiddos whats up"

D: "hey nm just watching netflix."

G: "yeah same"

R: "hows university for u two losers"

D: "haha. it's pretty good. learnin' shit and shit"

G: "same. chinese is one hard minor i have to say. still confused why i took it."

R: "aw. if i knew it i'd help u out <3"

G: "alas, tho. thank u <3"

D: "can you get any extra help? does your prof do that kind of stuff?"

G: "michael's in the major and is FAR more advanced than i am. he helps me out."

R: "o cool how's he doing?"

G: "pretty good. we hang out a lot still, so you guys are in the loop."

D: ":\ ok"

G: "what is it this time"

D: "seriously, no other friends?"

G: "fuck you. his friend ryan and i have started talking too."

R: "but what high school taught me was that there'd be a bunch of social clubs and stuff  
to join?"

G: "well fuck it's a month and a half into the semester and my grades aren't the best. i'm  
trying to get a fucking grip here."

D: "whoa,where'd that come from?"

G: "really? you two are the ones giving me shit for having a friend that isn't named dan  
gruchy or ray narvaez junior"

G: "do you two have little discussions on how you also can't have outside friends? is that what your one-on-ones are about?"

G: "i bet not"

R: "hey babe calm down"

G: "don't fucking tell me to calm down, narvaez."

D: "you're being rude gav"

G: "oh, i'm being rude? I'M being rude? what else do you want me to do all damn day?"

G: "sit on my couch and watch netflix all damn day?"

R: "didn't u say u were doing that like 20 mins ago?"

G: "touche. not my couch, tho, i'm at michael's"

D: "oh, see, even rn you're at his place."

G: "for fuck's sake"

R: "can we skype instead of this it would be 500% easier"

D: "not unless gavino is too busy with michael"

G: "holy shit. fine. i'll excuse myself then and we'll skype"

Gavin stood up and went into his little room to boot up his laptop. Before long, his earbuds were in and he was face-to-face with his boyfriends. Even though they were fighting, Gavin stopped to take in both men. Ray's tan skin and deep brown eyes were illuminated by his lights while Dan's facial hair was hidden from him sitting in the dark. 

“Okay, we’re all here now,” Gavin quietly said.

“Talkin’ quiet so Michael doesn’t hear?” Dan retorted.

“Holy shit…” Gavin’s face become fire red. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Look,” Ray leaned forward in his chair, “I can’t speak for Dan, but I love you. I hate that you’re spending time with Michael, though. Even I don’t spend nearly as much time with my local friends.”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen any of my chums in weeks now,” Dan chimed in, “But that’s because I have you two!”

“Well, shit, I love you both, too. I can’t spend every waking minute together, though. I need time of my own.”

“You can have it!” yelled Dan. 

“But...just less.” Ray finished. 

Gavin held his head in the palms of his hands. “I...I guess…”

“‘Atta boy.” Both Ray and Dan lit up as if there wasn't a problem in the world. The three of them talked about a possible meetup and compared schedules for the remainder of their call. 

\---

One hazy evening mid-October, Michael was helping Gavin with one of his Chinese assignments, The two had had somehow both fit on Michael's couch, legs side by side but heads at opposite ends. They had been going over characters for about an hour, where Michael would hold up a note card and Gavin would recite it back. At the same time, Gavin would be typing up little reminders for each character so he could remember them better. After such a long time, though, Gavin became antsy. 

"You okay, man?" Michael asked, setting down the cards. "You're forgetting first week stuff right here."

"I don't care anymore." Gavin nearly broke his laptop from slamming it shut. "I'm too tired for this shit."

Michael jerked up and stared at Gavin. “You, uh, want to put on something to watch to chill?” He had never seen Gavin angry. 

"Sure, fine, anything but Chinese.”

The two of them sat up and mindlessly listened to an old sitcom to help Gavin decompress. When Gavin accidentally fell asleep on Michael's shoulder, a soft knock was at the door. Michael transferred the sleepy British man onto a pillow and unlocked the door.

"Hey man, what's up?" Michael whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" Ryan replied.

Michael cracked the door open to reveal Gavin passed out on the couch, not even noticing the switch. Ryan nodded and handed Michael a package. 

"I knew you two would be studying or dicking around so here you go!" Ryan was gone the next second, a trace of laughter echoing down the halls.

Michael shut the door and laid the box on a table. He slid the plastic bag off it to reveal 2 dozen decorated cupcakes. They were frosted with chocolate and each had a letter printed in white. 

"J-U-S-T B-E R-O-O-M-I-E-S A-L-R-E-A-D-Y O-M-F-G"

Michael recounted and assured that there were still exactly 24 cupcakes. Ryan's word choice was more impressive to Michael than anything else. He shut the box and looked to the sleeping Gavin. His face looked tense but a sense of innocence still traced his features. His arms were curled around the top of his chest rather than his stomach. Michael thought for a moment before lightly shaking his shoulder. Gavin jerked a little before his eyes fluttered open. 

"Michael?"

"Uh, hey can I ask you something?"

"Whatisit," Gavin slurred, shocked from his surprise nap.

"Look, I know your boyfriends are kind of overprotective or whatever you want to call it. But do you, uh, want to just be my roommate? That way you don't have to ever worry about forgetting something across campus? Aren't most of your classes down this way anyway? Plus you spend most of your time here anyways and all..."

Gavin rubbed his eyes and checked his phone. He had a bunch of unread messages from Ray and Dan, but he really didn't bother.

"Yeah, Michael, let's do it."

"I underst-wait, really? You're not fucking with me?"

"Nah, I think it'd be fun! Less sneaking around campus, you know?" Gavin's smile took up half his face. 

"Holy shit, this is amazing!"

Michael rushed over to hug Gavin's hands again, but this time, Gavin got one of his hands on the outside, too. Their hands were every-other and squeezed to their heart's content. Their hands nearly began to sweat from the amount of energy they put into it.

"I want to run off to tell the school right now! Oh, this is the best thing to happen to me since...well, in a good while!" Gavin's eyes glistened in the new moon light.

"It's a little late for that, bud. Tomorrow's another day," Michael said. HIs smile would live on for hours. 

Gavin’s texts from his crew were light and fluffy, so Gavin held onto the news for a little while. Not until it was absolutely necessary he would tell them about his new roommate that made him feel important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, wow. I'm really sorry about the quality of writing and this chapter in general. I started my senior year of high school and it's a lot more than I bargained for and I'm stressed all the time. I just needed to put this up. Friday updates will be my motivation to get through the week 
> 
> Thank you again for comments and kudos, they never go unappreciated
> 
> Thanks to imagineyourotp.tumblr.com for ideas  
> Shoutout to the people who didn't make my week anymore of a living hell  
> My blog - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com  
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi


	6. and we are up for everything it takes to prove we're not the same as them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Ambulance by My Chemical Romance

"My god, these stairs are incredible."

" _Please_ tell me you're being sarcastic."

"Well, more like 'Wow, thank god you have an elevator down the hallway because it's incredibly horrid.'"

Michael, Ryan, and Gavin were lugging boxes upstairs into Michael's dorm. It was Gavin's moving day into Michael's spare room. The school approved the roommate request and gave him about a week to move everything over. Saturday became the prime day as none of their classes met and they could actually have a full night's rest beforehand. They didn't actually make much use of it, though, since all Michael and Gavin did was stay up and watch movies since they were both too excited to sleep. Ryan's car became a godsend; after making just two trips back and forth by foot, they called him up to help after promising him food, of course.

"We could've taken it this time, but I thought the boxes were lighter. The rest of your stuff, though, can squeeze into that elevator," Michael offered. He pushed his door open, propped it open, and placed the box on the table. Ryan and Gavin brought it directly into the room without taking the break. 

"How much more stuff, Gav?" Ryan asked, stretching his back.

"Uh, I think two more trips with your car would do it," Gavin confirmed. "My fridge, microwave, printer and a couple more boxes is all that's left."

"Goddamn, how are you going to adjust to having only _one_ room?" joked Michael. Gavin stuck his tongue out at him in retaliation. 

"Hello? Is anyone here?"

A short man was in the doorway with tan skin. He wore thick framed glasses and had short, nearly buzzed hair. A My Little Pony tee shirt and jeans were enough for Gavin to recognize who was here. 

"Ray!!"

Gavin ran and nearly threw Ray to the floor. His arms wrapped tightly around the smaller man with Ray lightly patting his back. Michael had to clean his glasses since he thought he saw wrong. _"Gavin hugging someone?"_

"I heard it was someone's moving day and I thought that would deserve a visit," Ray explained. "Dan would've, but you know, England and all that shit."

"I don't care, you donut. I'm so happy to see you! How on Earth did you get off work, Mr. Manager? Oh, wait, meet my friends! Michael! Ryan! This is Ray!"

Michael and Ryan giggled at Gavin's intense enthusiasm. Ray stepped inside and Gavin moved the doorstop to give them a bit of privacy. Ray shook hands with Gavin's friend and new roommate, with a bit of a tighter handshake on the latter. 

"A pleasure," Ray said with a stoic tone. 

"Yeah, you too, man," Michael replied.

"How was your ride up here?" Ryan asked to break the growing tension, "Any traffic problems? Oh, what about the foliage? Can’t beat New England foliage."

"Oh, it was really sweet! New York can often give me my yearly dose of autumn colors but it ain't got shit on the back roads up here. Traffic wasn't too bad once I got past the heavy N.Y. tolls. Gonna be a bit of a bitch later on, but that's Future Ray's problem."

The four of them chatted and caught up, considering it a break from their work thus far. Gavin and Ray tangled each other together on the love-seat while Michael and Ryan took the couch. Once in a while, Michael caught a stressed look from Ray, but he passed it off as a two and a half hour drive coming up and another one later on in the evening. Gavin's composure around Ray was so relaxed and happy that it made Michael ever forget there were nights where he could hear Gavin freaking out and crying in the room over while he gamed on the couch. 

"Oh, it's like that time back when you-" Ray began to say, with Gavin's eye widening as he knew what Ray would say.

"Uh, could we maybe get a minute of privacy?" Gavin asked in order to cut Ray off. "I mean, I just haven't seen him in so long..."

"Oh, no problem! Uh, Michael, wanna go make a trip to Gav's old place, get back to moving?" Ryan offered. "I mean, if that's cool with you, Gavin."

"Yeah, fine with me. Can we stop for coffee though?" Michael threw Ryan his signature puppy dog eyes while he tied his shoes.

"Oh, you fucker. Now we _have_ to stop for coffee. Gav, Ray, want anything?" Ryan asked.

"None for me, thank you though," Ray said. 

"My usual, please!" cheered Gavin. Michael and Ryan took Gavin's old key and were out the door.

\---

"Something feels really funny, Ry-bread."

Michael and Ryan drove back across campus to pick up Gavin's stuff. Michael rested his elbow against the open window as they cruised the 15 mile-per-hour school limit. 

"I can certainly tell you that I wasn't expecting him to show, like, ever. I even doubted them for a few days one time," Ryan confessed. 

"Wow, Friend of the Fuckin' Year right here," Michael said. 

"You shut up, Michael Vincent Jones."

"I kept lookin' at him while we were all talking and he looked really angry or something. I'm nervous about leaving him alone there. I don't think they have a good relationship."

"Well, I mean, poly relationships are different..." Ryan started.

"No, no! It's not because they're fuckin' poly! I think it's because - and this is what I've heard Gav whisper about past midnight so I'm telling you this with a fuckton of confidence - the other two seem really jealous. Like, obsessively. They both care about Gavin a lot but they don't give him much else to do besides either be on his own or interact with them. It's a simple case of jealousy and it's hurting him. I don't know how to confront him about it, either."

"Wow," mouthed Ryan. "Well, we shouldn't worry ourselves with it right now. They're having their time together and probably brought Dan in on a call. Let's just take our sweet time here to give them their well deserved privacy and pile shit into the car. Alright?" Michael nodded and popped out of the car. They made their way back upstairs before looking at all the lifting they had left to do.

"Man," Ryan laughed, "I can't wait until you start hormones so you actually get muscle to help me lift shit."

"Fuck you," Michael laughed. 

\---

"I'm so glad you're here at school with me, Ray." Gavin rested his head against Ray's shoulder once Michael and Ryan locked the door behind them. 

"It's a really nice campus, I have to say. Makes me almost regret my gap year," Ray said. "So, Gav, uh, how're you doing?"

"I'm doing tippy top! You're here, I'm nearly moved in over here, it's been such an exciting bunch of weeks. Plus, Halloween is in two weeks! Are we still doing our plans?"

"Listen, um, Gavin. Honestly, I was really hoping you weren't in as good a place. I have something kind of bad to tell you, well, for your perspective, anyways." Ray untangled himself from Gavin and walked around a little bit. Gavin cocked his head and asked what he meant.

"Well, Dan and I have been talking a lot and we're not...happy anymore. The distance is strenuous and we simply can't handle Michael anymore. He's a fantastic guy; I've seen it myself, now. It makes it worse. Dan and I are offering an ultimatum, and unfortunately, I have to do it because we at least agreed to be decent and not do this over Skype or text or something and instead have it be in person."

"What? What do you mean?" Gavin felt his throat close up.

"I requested a transfer at GameStop and it was approved. My flight leaves in two hours from that airport a few towns over. I'm leaving the States and going to live with Dan, just the two of us. Unless, of course, you join me and come along to be the three of us. I can pay for an extra ticket if you need it."

Gavin's face froze. His entire body went numb and his breathing hindered. "Ray..."

"It's him or us, basically. God, I hate doing this."

"How long have you thought this way?" Gavin whispered, his eyes filled to the brim. 

"More or less since you met him and had coffee that one time you told us about, in a bookshop or whatever," Ray answered. A single tear fell out of Gavin's eye. What he thought was his world was beginning to crumble.

"I can't just up and leave like this..." Gavin whimpered.

"Well, lucky for you, we have a bit of time for you to decide before the plane leaves. Maybe we can pass the time another way...help you be persuaded."

Gavin looked out the window to the tree he walked under the night he met Michael. All the leaves were auburn and sunflower colored and the branches stuck out like squiggly lines. Tears of raging anger and sadness twisted themselves down his face. He was brought back to that night just before making his final decision.

\---

Michael and Ryan walked back inside the dorm, with Michael carrying coffee on top of Gavin’s microwave and Ryan holding the mini fridge. They looked around to see all of Gavin's other stuff cleared out of the common room. Not a single piece of clothing or even a piece of paper remained. 

"Gavin?" Michael called out. No reply. He nearly spilled their coffee as he put the microwave on the couch.

"Gavin?!" Michael pounded on his door, his voice cracking. Ryan set down the fridge and watched Michael. Michael's started breathing heavy as he jiggled the door handle. 

A click could be heard from the other side of the door. Gavin opened it to see a relieved Michael and a confused Ryan.

"Sorry, I, um, fell asleep, kind of."

"Where's Ray? He was only here for a little while,” asked Ryan, sipping his coffee.

Gavin's eyes wandered to the window, where he could have sworn a plane went by. 

"He had a flight to catch."

\---

Gavin woke up the day after next feeling empty. That Sunday, he excused himself from seeing much of anyone, feigning schoolwork to be due. At one point, he played a little bit of a video game with Michael, who was still ecstatic over having a roommate. The last thing he wanted to admit to Michael was what happened on what was supposed to be one of the best days of his life. He gave himself about an hour before excusing himself taking a too hot shower and falling asleep before 9 o’clock. Monday morning, however, brought a different kind of hell. Not only did he have an 8 AM class, but he was forced to go out and face the rest of the world. 

Gavin stepped out of this room and made his way to the bathroom. His tee shirt and pajama pants were lightly tear stained but he was about to change anyways. He noticed Michael's door was open, which he had never seen before. Michael’s door was always closed in the morning. Gavin took the detour to say good morning.

"Morning Micha-" Gavin's voice vanished. Michael was just finding a shirt to put on, exposing his chest. His shockingly female chest. 

"Oh my god..." Gavin choked out.

"Gav-Gavin!" Michael stuttered, trying to throw on a shirt but getting stuck in the holes. "I can explain, I-shit..." Michael began to cry. "I'm sorry."

Gavin's brain couldn't process it. _"He's transgender. Do something,"_ it whispered.

"You're transgender?" Gavin's voice squeaked. 

"Yeah, Gavin, please don't hate me I'm so sorry," Michael sobbed. His entire body was shaking; he was living a nightmare.

“May I hug you?”

“I-what, sure? Gavin, I’m really sorry--”

Gavin walked over to him and enveloped Michael in the tightest, most sincere hug of his life. Letting his arms curl all around his body, Gavin buried his head into Michael's neck and let his hands squeeze Michael's back. Michael's crying subsided a little bit as he realized that Gavin Free was _hugging him_. He could feel Gavin’s pulse against his own from how close he was. Hearing the _thump thump_ from Gavin’s heart near his sent a new kind of warmth through his veins. His blood and his soul kindled with passion. He never realized how close Gavin was to him until they were literally close together.

Gavin broke the hug and seamlessly took his shirt off, revealing two large, pink scars just under his nipples. Michael gasped as he recognized them as double mastectomy scars and what Gavin would say next would turn the nightmare into the strongest sense of relief and unity.

“Me too, Michael, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))) I honestly got anxious-excited writing that last part; I love it so much. (And sorry to those who liked the G/R/D dynamic ;-;)
> 
> Thanks to everyone that's involved in this story one way or another. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos/comments! See you next week!
> 
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com


	7. i don't have the right name or the right looks but i have twice the heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Just One Yesterday by Fall Out Boy
> 
> Happy King Gavin Day!
> 
> **I forgot to mention - RoosterTeeth still exists in this world.

A teenage boy sat at his computer screen and hesitated. He pulled his shoulder-blade-length blond hair out of his face, tucking it behind his ears. He was making an account for a fandom website, to interact with others who shared the same passion. His smaller-than-average fingers typed his email address, password and last name without a problem. The first name was the issue.

He took another breath and let his fingers lightly tap the keyboard. Never finding a name he adored, he'd use androgynous nicknames to fill the void. Today was different - he wanted to be himself for once.

He opened several websites to baby naming collections to search around. He'd visit them often, trying to find just the right name. He had heard stories of people changing their name frequently but he was trying to avoid that. Didn't want to confuse people more than he already had.

He nearly gave up that night; clicking through page after page was beginning to depress him. Then something stood out. He mumbled the name aloud, then began trying it on for himself. This one was fitting, meaning "white hawk". He smiled as he clicked back to the sign up and finished the form.

"First name: _Gavin_  
Last name: Free"

\---

"hi!! my name is gavin free! im 17 years old and from england. how is everybody?? what did u think of the new rwby ep? i really enjoyed it!"

Gavin published his first forum post and sat back, oddly proud. He constantly refreshed the page, wishing somebody would reply and talk with him. That's not to say Gavin didn't have other people to talk to; he had his little hub of people at school. They just didn't know him as Gavin. Yet, at least. He was excited to potentially make a friend that didn't know his past.

After the 50th refresh, a little box came up with someone's reply. The username "BrownMan" popped up and Gavin leaned in close to read the text. 

"hi gavin! i'm glad to see you here with us (saw ur new here lol) rwby was pretty sweet this week! im curious to see where itll go next week and shit. what do you think about sun and blake? im not too sure about it yet but hey that can change. yolo amirite?"

Gavin smiled as he saw someone call him by his name for the very first time. Granted, no one he knew outside the Internet would know to call him Gavin, but it still touched him.

He clicked on this kid - BrownMan - and saw that his name was Ray Narvaez Jr., and he was 16 years old from New York, USA. Just as he went to add him as a friend, a notification pinged on his home screen. 

"BrownMan wants to add you as a friend. Accept?"

Gavin hit yes at the speed of light.

\---

A month later, Gavin was setting up Skype to chat with Ray for the first time. Gavin had been practicing his super deep voice to use when he spoke since this was the first time they would hear each other's voices and see each other's faces (for neither of them ever uploaded a photo). Ever since that one post, Ray and Gavin were best friends. They would game together, text all the time, and now they finally arranged a time where they could chat voice to voice and face to face. A weekend finally fell into place where their families were both out of the house so they could talk freely. For Ray it was 5:39 PM and for Gavin it was 10:39 PM.

Gavin shook intensely as he waited for Ray to log on. He wore the most masculine shirt he could and his favorite chest binder. His hair by this point was still long and slightly feminine so he tucked it into a cheesy hat. He didn't want Ray to know about his identity just yet - that was a future Gavin problem. 

Finally, a green dot appeared next to Ray's name. Gavin hit the video camera next to it and waited as the screen bubbled and blinked. Before long, a young man appeared through the screen. His hair was longer, too, and curled at the end. It was black as night and he also wore a hat on top. His shirt was white, covered partially by a purple hoodie. His skin was brown, and that's when Gavin remembered why his account name was BrownMan. 

"Hi," Ray said, waving a little bit. "Hi, Gavin."

Gavin's smile was nearly as big as his nose. "Hi Ray," he replied, "I-uh-I really like your hair."

"Oh," Ray laughed a little bit, "Thanks. People call me a pussy for it, though."

"Fuck 'em, it looks great," Gavin assured the younger man. The two spent hours talking and listening to the different accents the other had. They talked about school and their then-plans for the future. Both loved video technology and wanted to go further that direction. At one point, though, Ray excused himself to take a phone call.

"Yo," Ray said into the receiver. "I'm in a Skype call now with another Internet friend, can this wait? Wh-hold on," Ray turned back to the camera, "Do you mind adding someone to the call? I think you'll like them a lot. They're really into slo-mo stuff, too."

"Yeah sure, I guess, " Gavin said. He was disappointed to spare time with Ray but he wanted him to be happy as well. Before long, another face appeared alongside Ray's. This man had the same shade hair as Ray but much shorter, and more square of a face. He wore a collared blue shirt and he had the beginnings of facial hair. Gavin couldn't help but to blush as he took in the deep mocha of his eyes. 

"Dan, this is that kid Gavin I've told you about! Gavin, this is my friend Dan. He's on the site, too," Ray introduced. 

"Hello!" Dan cheered.

"Hi! You're also British?" Gavin asked, forgetting to keep his voice low. 

"Oh, uh, yeah, wow you're voice is not what I was expecting at all," Dan admitted. "Not from Ray's description."

"Yeah, how'd you get your voice to do that, Gav?" Ray followed.

"I-uh-fuck." Gavin sighed, burying his head in his palms. "It was an act. I'm a transman and I'm not on hormones yet so I still have this princess-y type voice. I hate it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Ray." Gavin was ashamed for not remembering. He could remember after a 6 hour day of school but as soon as one distraction came up he lost it all.

"Oh, wow, well that's okay!" Ray exclaimed. "So you're built differently. No matter. I'll still call you Gavin and use male pronouns and shit."

"Yeah, same here, man," Dan chimed in, "Hell, I didn't even have the chance to misgender you so it's good that now I won't!"

"You two are so much nicer than the kids here," Gavin said, "Thank you both so much."

\---

"Hey so, uh, truth or dare?"

It was about one year later. Gavin, Dan and Ray were on a Skype call yet again. They all always had a Skype call on Saturday nights to keep in touch and it became their motivation to get through the week. In a year's time, Gavin had begun hormones for his transition and had a double mastectomy scheduled for the following July (nearly a year in advance). Ray and Dan had been a huge support system for him. He always kept his precious iPhone with him so he could be a text away from them in their favorite group message. Both Ray and Dan leaned on him for support, too, and on each other. They were the Holy Trinity of Internet Friends, they liked to say.

"Truth!" cheered Dan.

"You have a crush on anyone?" Ray asked, not looking up from his phone. Gavin giggled at the ridiculous cliche but Dan became nervous.

"Well, I- _sigh_ I actually do have a really big crush." Dan's eyes floated up, not looking into the camera or at either friend.

"Ooooooooh," Gavin taunted. 

"Tell more~" Ray continued, throwing his phone across the room and scooting towards the monitor. 

"It's on both of you, twats."

Gavin and Ray fell silent. They both knew that Dan was gay (and Ray was too, for that matter), but polyamory wasn't something they expected. It was nearly a big a shock as when Gavin explained his asexuality and the difference between sexual and romantic attraction to them for the first time. Dan peeked down to see two shocked faces and - were they blushing?

Dan took a deep breath. "Look, I want to ask you two out. I've had these feelings for a long time and I think you two would make me the happiest guy alive. I know it's weird and I don't even know how you two feel. But I had to throw it out there because it's eating at me from the inside out."

Gavin and Ray asked for a minute alone from Dan and disconnected him from the call.

Gavin broke the silence they faced on their own. "Do you care?"

"What do you mean?" Ray asked.

"I mean, I really like Dan, too. I totally want this." Gavin tried staying reserved, except for when his smile kept trembling. He began falling for his friends as they helped him with his transition. He just never knew how to mention it, if he even wanted to at all.

"Yeah, I do too," Ray looked down, blushing brighter than a leaf in autumn. "But would it make it weird between you and me? Having the same boyfriend?"

"We can try it out and see what works," Gavin offered. "I mean, what exactly do we have to lose?"

Gavin invited Dan back into the video. "Look, we can just forget what happened. Don't even worry about it, okay?" Dan began.

"Shut up, my man," Ray was back on his phone, as if nothing had happened.

"Yeah, hush, love," Gavin cooed, "You've nothing to worry about now."

\---

A few weeks went by before they simply became a love triangle, with everyone dating the other. Gavin and Ray admitted later to liking the other and jumped headfirst into a new relationship dynamic. Ray graduated from high school that June and, to celebrate, booked a flight to England to meet his lovers for the very first time.

Gavin was bouncing on the balls of his feet waiting for Ray's flight. He was in London, waiting, and Dan was on his way to meet them there. He held up a sign that said "Ray Narvaez Jr. (the nerd)" and constantly looked around for Dan. He was at the right gate "From New York, New York (JFK) to London, England (LHR)" but it seemed like it was taking years for the door to open. After an extra few minutes, the door finally opened, and people began pouring out of it. Ray told them he'd wear his signature purple hoodie, so Gavin scanned everyone for the color. Gavin stood on his tiptoes trying to see, but then something came from behind him.

"Gavin!!"

Gavin spun around to see Dan standing there, holding his shoulders. He wore the same shirt from the day they met online and had a grin as big as the airport. Gavin couldn't believe it; he was finally seeing Dan in the flesh. He blinked at what seemed like a thousand blinks a second, trying to make sense of the reality. 

"Hey, neither of you would have happened to see two gay guys looking for their third, wouldya?"

Ray was standing there, too, being his usual sarcastic self when they finally had their first hug. They all held each other as tight as they could in the middle of Heathrow Airport. They all even teared up a little bit from the excitement that pulsed through their veins.

"Ready for the best fuckin' holiday of your life?" Dan asked.

"Hell yeah!" Gavin and Ray yelled. They may have startled a few travelers passing by, but they were nobody to the trio. They were their only world for the next few days. 

\---

Gavin, Ray and Dan walked down the road, all holding hands, doing some light window shopping. It was their last night as one, so they were going to make it especially memorable. Up until then, they had gone out to eat and showed Ray the stereotypical London highlights, but besides that, they mostly just sat around and admired each other's presence. They loved feeling each other's heartbeat and their warmth against their own skin. Ray and Dan also had a bit of fun on their own, leaving Gavin out due to his sexuality. Gavin didn't mind, though, because they had kissed him for the very first time and he was ecstatic and euphoric so he cuddled up on the couch with blankets and watched his favorite movie with the tingling sensation remaining on his lips to celebrate. 

While they walked, they passed by a cute little jewelry shop when an idea sprung into Gavin's mind. He explained his thought to Dan and Ray and they nearly sprinted into the store to see if they could pull it off. About an hour later, they reemerged, each with a silver chain around their neck and a heart broken into three pieces. Each of them had one piece, with Gavin's having the letter "I" on it. Dan's had "L" and Ray's had "Y". 

"So, what did I tell you?" Dan asked, as they walked back to their hotel for their last night. "Best holiday ever, or what?"

"Yeah, you were absolutely right," Ray said. 

"This really was the best holiday ever,'" Gavin concluded.

\---

"I transferred to a school in the states!!" Gavin yelled, as usual, on a video call..

"What?! Really?" Ray nearly screamed, blasting out the speakers. 

"Yeah!! I'll be kinda near you!"

Another year had passed, this time, starting off with Gavin's move. Dan was disappointed that Gavin would be further from him, but wished him well nonetheless. He even came out to the airport on Gavin's departure day, just a few days after having his scheduled double mastectomy. They had passed their anniversary a few months before and had spent the whole day on Skype. Unfortunately, with school and jobs, they couldn't meet up again, but they did their best to compensate. With Gavin going overseas, Dan would then try to head over to meet up with the other two. The day of Gavin's flight, Dan sent him off and Ray was there for him, waiting in New York. He was ready to drive him up to his New England college. 

They got onto campus the later side of a day, and Ray helped him move into his suite dorm. They said that there were no others looking for a roommate, so they gave him a suite to make up for it. Once Ray left, Gavin decided to take advantage of the sweet American air and walk around, checking out his new home. He wore his favorite red hoodie and a red shirt underneath, god forbid his healing wounds were to spontaneously reopen. Gavin didn't anticipate having any issues; it wasn't likely that he would be running or anything.

Gavin walked past a dorm with a large oak tree that was beginning to change colors on the opposite side of campus. He stopped, though, once he heard a piercing yell in the early evening.

_"Why was I born like this?! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GOOD ENOUGH?!"_

Out of instinct, he yelled back.

"YOU'RE TIPPY TOP DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah #fbf! I like this chapter. Granted a lot of it was written today, but oh well. It feels a little rushed but I like the words I put down so here you go! I hope you liked Gavin's basic backstory!
> 
> ((can we also talk about how _perfect_ the chapter title is))
> 
> Thank you for the warm comments and kudos!! They're always appreciated :)
> 
> Thanks to those who support and help with this story!
> 
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com


	8. take a chance and roll the dice [ride with the moon in the dead of night]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - This is Halloween from the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas
> 
> Halloween chapter! Enjoy!

"There was this one time in high school where I was out but no one really knew, y'know? There were just rumors and I was really open about it so I was constantly coming out. Anyways, I was in Chinese with Ryan and we paired up all that time and all that shit. Well, this day, we were randomized and we had to go up to the front of the room to do comparisons. I was paired with this random guy and I got excited because _shit yeah I can say we're both guys_ so I did and there was this new girl in class who didn't know and she turned to Ryan and asked 'oh that's a boy?' and he said 'Yeah!' and she froze because we had _just_ talked and did little comparisons and she said to Ryan 'wow he has really beautiful eyes' and to this day, when I am sad, I will think of that sweet girl."

"That's so fucking cute!"

Michael and Gavin were in their dorm room, decorating for their favorite holiday and sharing stories of their transition. Halloween was in one week and they had lots to do to prepare. So far, they had some orange and black streamers flying all over the place, intertwined with faux cobwebs and toilet paper. They still had jack o' lanterns to carve, but they were saving that for last. They were doing as much as they could to decorate and celebrate since they shared the same favorite holiday and they never knew anyone else who liked it as much as they did. Today, they let some idle Halloween movie play in the background while they painted tiny pumpkins and shared stories.

"Once, I went to a fair with my father and I wasn't out to him yet, but I still passed that day. I was so fucking happy, like absolutely euphoric. Except, my dad turned to me, nearly giggling, and said 'heh, she thought you were a boy.' And well, it kind of ruined it for me."

"Oh shit, that's horrible."

"The worst part is, there was another time we were leaving the theater after seeing some throwback movie, and I saw one of my friends. They yelled out one of my dumb nicknames but my dad hadn't heard it yet. By this point, he knew, but never really said much. I talked with my friend for a minute and then we left. I was worried he'd say something, but not a word. Then, later on, he fucking called me by my birth name. I...shit, it still shakes me up. But now, with my name being legal, there's nothing to worry about anymore. And he's a lot better in general."

They went back and forth with varying levels of stories, from the laughable to the depressing. They were finally open with each other and nothing was left untouched. Maybe Michael's budding crush on Gavin and Gavin's budding crush on Michael was being left untouched, but that was so small it was alright.

"What do you think of this one?" Gavin asked, holding up a little pumpkin by the stem. It was painted in varying shades of green and resembled Frankenstein. 

"Damn, son, that's great! Beats mine," Michael said, holding up his little mummy pumpkin. It was slathered in white and he was ready to simply slap on googly eyes instead of fighting anymore with the paint.

"No, that's great, too!" Gavin encouraged. "But, I mean, my next one will throw all of these out of the park."

They looked around at their other creations; each of them bought ten pumpkins to paint and decorate to their liking. In the end, they'd end up on their window still. So far, Gavin had finished about four and Michael was on his third. They also bought small bottles of all the color paint they liked, so those littered the area as well. After he set down his Frankenstein, Gavin broke out a small pocket knife and carved out a bit of his next pumpkin. He stuck in a pair of plastic vampire teeth and began painting it to be Dracula.

"Where the hell do you get all these ideas?!" Michael screamed, swishing his paintbrush in the air and having some red land on Gavin. Gavin yelled back before they simply began painting each other in the fury. Some paint got on the walls and the couch, but they didn't mind since they were too focused on each other. Michael was moving around without worrying about his chest and Gavin was still breaking his habits of covering his chest as well. In that moment it was them and the paint and gender was floating out the window. 

They settled back in and caught their breath; they would have to go to the gym later on to get back in shape. Gavin explained he had his secrets, which cost him an extra splash of red to his face. 

"Do you know if Ryan's having a party or whatever this year?" Gavin asked. "I think I remember him talking about it."

"Yeah, the night of. Wanna go?" Michael offered, back to painting over some paint from the fight on his pumpkins.

"Sure! That sounds like a lot of fun. Just gotta think of a costume..." Gavin thought aloud.

"Maybe Dan and Ray have some ideas," Michael offered. It twisted Gavin's heart up to hear their names but he said he'd ask anyways. He wasn't ready to talk about it. It was a time of celebration, not of mourning. When he was ready, he'd talk. In the meantime, he painted a pumpkin to look like candy corn.

\---

"Wow, you guys aren't fuckin' around with decoration."

Ryan came over one day in between classes to see Michael for lunch. He brought Indian food from the takeout place near his apartment. Michael let him in and ducked around their immense amount of hanging garnish.

"I warned ya," Michael said, taking his meal and sitting down. Ryan joined him and asked where Gavin was.

"Some class, I think an acting one? Or maybe one of his techy ones. I retract that, it's the techy one." Michael answered. "The acting one is later. It's when I go for one of my Chinese classes."

"Ooh, learned each other's schedules, have we?" 

"We learned these like a month ago, where've you been? Ogling Pattillo?"

"Hey!...yeah," admitted Ryan.

"How's that going, anyways?"

"You know, I visit him during office hours, I stay after class and chat. He's really friendly with me, not like the other kids. I think if he doesn't like-like me, he'd at least make a good friend."

"What are you, seven? 'Like-like'?"

"Fuck off, Michael Vincent Jones."

"Oh, there you go again. Why do you keep saying that?"

"Saying your full name? I'm making up for lost time. Your parents haven't been doing right for 18 years so I'm supplementing, dumbass."

Michael giggled wrapped his arm around Ryan and gave him a side hug. "You're rad as fuck, you nerd."

"I do what I can," Ryan said, pulling Michael over as he returned the hug. "So," Ryan paused to shovel food into his mouth, "How's your crush on Gavin?"

"I mean, it's just there and I don't really know what to do about it because of his own relationship but _wow he's really great_ " Michael rattled off. 

Ryan nearly choked on his food. "Bro, I was joking. I wasn't expecting a legitimate answer. I was waiting for 'GODDAMNIT RYAN I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON GAVIN YOU INCONSIDERATE JACKOFF' but man, I'm happy with what I got," Ryan said.

"Oh, you fuck! Uh, I mean, GODDAMNIT RYAN I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON GAVIN YOU INCONSIDERATE JACKOFF..."

Ryan just looked at Michael and he felt defeated. "Don't tell him," Michael begged. "Please. I don't wanna ruin anything."

Ryan nodded and they finished up their lunch. A few minutes later, Gavin came back in from his class and instantly hopped in the shower. He didn't bother to even say hello; it was straight to the shower with him. Michael and Ryan sat and waited for him to reemerge about 10 minutes later, towel around his hips and the remains of makeup still on his face. 

"We had a scene today in class and now I need help getting it off," Gavin whimpered. Michael giggled and Ryan got up to find some towels.

\---

It was the big day. Halloween.

Michael was dressed as Sun, a character from a show called RWBY. He was rearranging his clip-on tail as he walked into Ryan's apartment. Party time wasn't for another few hours, but Michael agreed to help Ryan set up and decorate. 

"Jesus, you still like that show?" Ryan asked as he let Michael inside.

"What, you're not gonna be my little Neptune anymore?" Michael teased. Ryan shot him a look, before sheepishly going over to his closet and pulling out a blue wig. "I was so hoping you weren't going to be fucking Sun."

"Just like high school!" Michael burst out laughing. He set down a bowl of candy corn and another bowl full of little orange cookies. "So, who's supposed to show?"

"Anyone who heard. Only requirement is that you bring a treat. Don't know how many will actually do it, but I figure this place will be packed either way."

And Ryan was absolutely right. By 6 PM, the place was beginning to fill up with guests. Treats of varying levels of work were piled on the counter space. Most people grabbed $1 candy bags but some people showed with cupcakes or cookies. Ryan pulled out his best speakers and blasted Halloween dance music for his guests, and people took full advantage. Michael smiled and met new people, but stopped dead in his tracks once he saw Gavin.

Gavin squeezed through the crowd to set down a plate of pumpkin-looking pretzels and waved to Michael. He was dressed in a penis costume. 

Michael's face burned fire red from seeing him.

"What the fuck is this shit?" Michael asked, in his typical Rage-Quit type voice.

"Michael!" Gavin yelled, hugging Michael. Michael squirmed as people were giggling, but still returned the hug.

"What?! Sun Wukong? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WATCHED RWBY!" Gavin yelled. 

"Shit, I didn't strike you as a fan!" Michael yelled back. "Bro, Ryan is...well..."

Michael gestured towards Ryan, who was dancing on a tabletop like an idiot. He had a red cup in his hand and his aqua wig was lopsided. Gavin squealed with laughter. 

"Neptune! Sea monkey! You two are sea monkey! That's fucking incredible!" 

Michael and Gavin found a spot to lean and hang out, Michael having just a touch of beer with Gavin holding a bottle of water. They often returned their gaze to the shitfaced Ryan to laugh at him, who was now attempting to twerk against another person. The duo talked about their favorite candies to pass the time and would sometimes try and pull random bystanders into their conversation.

"Hey, who would win in a fight, the seagulls from Finding Nemo, or-hey, Professer Pattillo?"

"Oh, uh, hi," the bearded man replied. He suddenly felt shy and wished he could dissipate into the wall. "That's one hell of a costume."

"Oh! Hey! Yeah, it's been my backup for years now. You, uh, didn't strike me as a party man," admitted Gavin, "Halloween trumps it?"

"Yeah, I also wanted to give this back to Ryan," the teacher answered, holding up a little document in his hand. He then rushed off to the party-ing Ryan, who was nearly bouncing off the ceiling.

"...that was weird," Michael mumbled.

"Maybe it was because Ryan wasn't in class the other day. He doesn't seem like a house call kind of guy, though," Gavin said.

The two continued on, watching the professor try and converse with his student. Often, though, it seemed at if they were laughing like long lost friends. _Ryan must be in his dream world_ thought the both of them. As the night progressed, though, Gavin noticed a large puff of air come from the bathroom. A group of kids came out, and as soon as the smell hit Gavin's nose, his stomach was queasy. When Michael wasn't looking, he slipped out of the place, trying to get away from the smell.

When Michael noticed the tip of a penis leave the apartment, he set his cup down, contemplated for half a second, and then went after it. 

"Yo!" he called down the stairs. Gavin had started taking off the silly costume, revealing a simple tee shirt and shorts underneath. He tripped out, planting his face at the bottom of the stairs. "Goddamnit," they both muttered. Michael help him up onto his feet, where Gavin looks on the brink of tears. "Hey, hey, what is it? That wasn't very far of a fall. Are you hurt?"

"No," Gavin sniffled, "I'm sorry. I smelled marijuana in there and I panicked," he explained, his voice wavering.

"Panicked?"

Gavin elaborated, "Drugs scare me. Like, the hardcore ones. I can handle stuff like testosterone and Advil and all that but I'm afraid of marijuana and stuff like that. I don't know why. I'm sorry."

Michael smirked and took the other's costume from him. "Here, it's going to be alright. Let's blow this place. It was gettin' weird watching your teacher talk to Ryan, anyways."

Michael took Gavin's arm and walked him home in the cool night. Michael took his jacket and gave it to Gavin to wear since he was down to such minimal clothing. Ryan's apartment was only a couple of miles away, so as a joke, Michael went up to a few houses asking for candy in costume. Some scolded him for trick or treating at an older age, but some even thought of him as a tall 12 year old. To Michael, it made Gavin laugh so that's what made him smile. 

They stopped in a nearby convenience store to buy more candy, enough to last them a few months. They carried their loot back to their home. After setting a little bowl outside for their peers on the floor, they set up one of the hundred marathons that was running and unwrapped candy after candy. Hours passed before the two fell asleep on the couch, wrapped up in blankets and discarded wrappers after what they both considered their favorite Halloween.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we have another month until Halloween, but the timing of this story is a little odd. I mean, the Christmas chapter is expected for Halloween. Oh well.
> 
> Shoutout to the Chinese girl who actually said that to me one day, you're cool
> 
> Thanks for helping me surpass 1000 hits! Kudos/comments are encouraged, I love hearing from you!
> 
> Thanks for the love & support for this story, I couldn't do it without you.
> 
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	9. fighting for a place we can call home [looking for a way not to be alone]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Fear (2006 Leave Out All the Rest demo) by Linkin Park

"Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichael," Gavin whispered, shaking the other awake. Michael's eyes fluttered awake and he focused on the body over him.

"It's like 12 in the afternoon, I thought you'd like to know that," Gavin smiled, pulling his Halloween clothes off and leaving to find a fresh shirt. Michael sat up on the couch, letting wrappers flutter to the floor. He smiled a little since Gavin woke him up so peacefully; normally people would throw things at him to get him out of his rest. 

He couldn't help but notice Gavin changing into his fresh pair of pajamas. His hair was scruffy and he slipped on a fluffy sweater that matched. He left his gaze when Gavin went to change his pants for respect, but he still blushed thinking about just how _cute_ Gavin was. 

Gavin, on the other hand, wished he let Michael sleep a little more, since he could see the innocence in his face and every bit of rage he held melt away as he slept. It was all he could do to avoid cuddling up and taking part in the warmth and the comfort. 

Instead, as Michael woke up, they worked on some Chinese in preparation for a test to pass the day after Halloween.

\---

About two weeks passed of both elation and some uncomfortable moments for the two of them. They both loved being with each other - they just didn't know how much the other really did. 

"Yes, I need three orders of chicken lo mein, three orders of pork fried rice, three orders of steamed dumplings, an order of sweet and sour chicken, and...anything else?"

"Do they have those little cookies?"

"Yeah and a few extra fortune cookies. Thanks, I'll be there soon to pick it up." Michael hung up the phone and went to get his jacket. "Since when do you like fortune cookies?"

"Since forever. Oh damnit, Ryan cancelled on us," Gavin said, looking down at his text. 

"Of course he fuckin’ did," Michael sighed, "Well, at least we'll have leftovers."

"True. Alrighty, I'll see you when you get back."

\--

Gavin scrolled around on Facebook to pass the time. He hadn't been on much since the breakup, only to change his relationship status to hidden. His heart sunk into his stomach as he saw new photos of Ray and Dan together. They were tearing up England, loving their life together as a duo. Gavin tearfully watched a video they made together, something called "Slo Mo Guys", an idea he and Dan originally created. They were laughing and making jokes, something Gavin was craving. Of course, he had two of the best friends a man could ask for at his fingertips, but he still missed that romantic side to it. His romantic life may have been limited, but once he got the taste for it, he was absolutely addicted.

Meanwhile, Michael had a phone call to make.

“James _Ryan_ Haywood!” 

“Michael _Vincent_ Jones!”

“Why the hell did you cancel on us _again_?”

“Well, I thought you would appreciate it. You and Gavin are always spending time together I thought that you two having a little Chinese food date would be adorable,” Ryan explained chuckling a little bit on the other end of the phone.

“...Yeah, you're totally right, though. I just don’t want Gavin to get the wrong idea. You should still show up sometime the least.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I do have a huge scene coming up in one of my acting classes so I'm trying to get work on that.” 

“Is this the class with your bae? Because you put so much effort into the class and what, you’re making a B?” 

“An A+, actually, right now! My only one, too. And let me tell you, that dude likes me and I'm not sure if it's like-like but I have reason to suspect that it is. I mean he did show to the Halloween thing so I'm pretty psyched about that plus the scene is like confessing your love to someone to my love to him and you know see where goes.”

“You're crazy, Ryan,” Michael said. “Do you want me to drop off the food I ordered for you?”

“No, that's fine. Just hit me up next time you're doing something and I will be there for sure. Preferably a Saturday, though, but Sunday also works pretty well.” 

“Alright, Ryan. I should pick up the food and get back to the dorm room. Rumor has it the Gavin never use chopsticks so today's my day to teach him.”

“How does someone not know how to use chopsticks? Okay, fine, whatever, I will let you go and do that. Have fun on your date.”

“Goddamnit, Ryan, it's not a date. Although, I do wish it was. Maybe one day. Okay, bye.”

Michael re-entered the apartment with his large bag of food and held out a pair of chopsticks to the British man.

“It is time.” Michael flashed his evil smile.

“Oh no,” Gavin whispered. 

They pulled up a table and laid out all the food. Michael set up Gavin’s hand to hold them correctly, but Gavin just couldn’t pick up a dumpling. They tried for about ten minutes before Michael spoke up again.

“You’re moving your hand too much, just move your fingers. It’s like holding two pencils!” Michael readjusted the poor kid’s hand yet again, all while also feeding himself. 

“I just want a fork!” Gavin cried. Gavin watched Michael a few more times. As Michael went to pick up a dumpling, Gavin snatched it out of midair. 

“GAVIN NO!”

\---

The next day, when Gavin came back in from class, Michael had something to show Gavin.

"Hey, there's this new show thing that's hitting the Internet, have you seen this, Gav?" Michael asked, holding his phone up for Gavin to see. Before his eyes flickered the screen still for The Slo Mo Guys, also known as his ex-boyfriends.

"I-yeah," Gavin's eyes began to water a little bit. 

"They're pretty funny guys. one of them even looks like Ray," Michael laughed, "Sounds like him too, and even shares a name. Maybe he's Ray's doppelganger. In that case, don't let Ray watch this, alright? It's bad luck to look at your doppelganger."

"Michael, that is Ray," Gavin choked out. 

Michael cocked an eyebrow. "But...they live in England, these two. Ray lives in New York. And the other guy-"

"That's Dan."

Michael had to rewatch the intro to hear them say that they were two men dating. "The three of you are dating. It even said so on Facebook."

"They broke up with me, Michael."

Michael's heart dropped as he turned to the now crying Gavin. It brought tears to Michael’s eyes to see someone he cared for so much cry so helplessly. He burst up to not only distract himself but to also fetch Gavin a box of tissues and some leftover Chinese food. He threw the tissues to his side of the couch and warmed up some of the dumplings. After also getting a water bottle, he set the small meal down and huddled next to him with a blanket. 

"I'll go out later if you'd like something else, alright?" Michael offered. "I'm really really sorry."

Gavin wrapped his arms around Michael and let his heart spill all over the room. He told him everything, from the very beginning, sparing no detail. How they met, the short week they spent together, the night that Ray and Dan had, everything up until the very end when he heard the door click behind Ray. 

"I didn't want to talk about it yet because it was so close to Halloween and I didn't want to be sad over my favorite holiday," he explained, his crying now subsided. "But I mean we were planning to have Dan come overseas for Thanksgiving and now even that's ruined because they're together and I'm here all by myself."

Michael thought for a minute, mouthing ideas as he processed everything. "Come with me to New Jersey."

"Wh-"

"Ryan and I are taking the Wednesday before off and we're going home for the long weekend to see our families. We're from the same town, remember? Come with us, come see where we grew up and shit because I swear to god if you just stay here that's far too depressing and I'll be sad with my loud family constantly asking me what the fuck is wrong."

"I couldn't ask that if you," Gavin winced.

"You're being fucking ridiculous. Please come with us," Michael was trying his hardest not to beg.

Gavin nodded a little bit in confirmation and gave Michael a huge thank you smile. “You’re the absolute best, seriously. You and Ryan both, but you especially.”

“Hey, I’ve had my fair share of breakups. Once even on Christmas. I really feel your pain,” Michael explained, returning the smile. 

They spent the remainder of the day drinking tea and watching movies in Chinese to justify them not doing much of anything productive. Once the sun set, they went out to a local ice creamery to get sundaes and indulged themselves. Michael had a bit of news of his own, as well.

“I, well, I had something I was going to tell you, but then you started crying and it wasn't my place to steal the spotlight,” Michael started.

“Oh, god, is everything okay?”

“I’m starting hormones on Christmas.”

Gavin screamed and bolted up to squeeze Michael as hard as he possibly could. Everyone in the eatery jumped in surprise, making Michael blush and Gavin laugh. 

“It’s okay, everyone! Resume your ice cream, you’re all good!”

Gavin went on and on to explain everything Michael could expect from beginning his medical transition, making Michael smile from how passionate Gavin was as he spoke. 

“...and you’ll get face angles! ARE YOU READY FOR FACE ANGLES??” Gavin was bouncing in his seat. “Oh, also, there are going to be days when everything sounds and feels impossible but when that happens just call me or knock on my door and I’ll drop everything to help because I’ve been there and having someone that knows what it’s like is really the only thing that can make you feel better,” Gavin finished, taking a deep breath at the end. 

“Thanks, Gavin. You’re the absolute best.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for its shortness, however I'm recovering from a wrist injury and typing is a little difficult. & this week was long as fuck. I'm gonna try getting a head start on next week's and the week after's to get ahead when I'm feeling well.
> 
> Thanks for the hits and kudos! Please leave some love if you like the story! It all warms me <3
> 
> Thanks to everyone's support for this story and everyone's inspiration
> 
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com


	10. here's an invitation, no time for hesitation [come and join my family] [part 1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Mechanical Man by Billie Joe Armstrong
> 
> B)

Michael, Gavin and Ryan were piling their belongings into the car to head down to New Jersey. They had a four hour drive ahead of them, not including classic New York City traffic and any other rush hour business they were bound to encounter. Plus, with Ryan’s typical need to stop every now and again (more often, "now",) to pee, they were looking at a six hour drive instead.

Ryan would start off the ride for a bit, until planning to switch off with Michael. Gavin had the back seat to himself along with their bags, which he put on the floor so he could stretch his legs out. They got on the road just after one in the afternoon, taking in the late foliage the state had to offer.

“So tell me again - I know Ray explained this holiday to me, but give me a rundown again,” Gavin requested.

“We eat food, watch sports, see family and take a four day weekend which includes a day of early-ass shopping,” Ryan rattled off, “Did I miss anything?”

“Nope, pretty spot-on,” Michael confirmed. Gavin smirked and offered to launch a game of Would You Rather. They played for a couple hours, which seemed to fly by before Gavin crossed a line.

“Alright, would you rather walk in on your dad fucking your dog or your dog fucking your dad?” Gavin asked the crew.

“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT GAVIN I WILL JUMP BACK THERE AND BREAK YOUR NOSE!” Michael screamed, having Ryan laugh so hard he was shaking in order to stay focused.

“What?! It’s a classic question! You've never heard it before?”

“NO ONE’S HEARD THAT DUMB ASS QUESTION YOU DUMB SHIT!”

Ryan chimed in, “I’ll personally take my dad fucking the dog.”

Gavin laughed as Michael shook his head in astonishment. They put on some random alternative rock radio station and took the rest of the ride risk-free. Michael would occasionally look in the rear view window and make a face to get Gavin to smile, get Ryan to ask what he was doing, then deny the whole interaction, thus making Gavin giggle even more. Before long, the trio were driving through New York City. 

The tall buildings of the Big Apple enveloped the car in traffic. People hurriedly walked from one place to the next, causing potentials for accidents. Yet, at the same time, it all seemed like an instinctive dance. At a risky but dull moment, Michael and Ryan switched seats to allow Ryan to rest. A chorus of car horns beeped at them, but by then, they were back driving.

As Michael navigated the streets of New York, he would catch glimpses of Gavin in the backseat. His eyes were diverted and he looked a little too lost in thought.

"You alright, Gav?" Michael asked.

"Eh," Gavin mumbled. Ryan cocked an eyebrow but Michael shrugged him off. Michael came prepared. He told Ryan to set his phone up to a playlist he spent the entirety of the night before making. As Ryan started to ask which one it was, he knew when he saw "Happy World".

Cheerful, upbeat music surrounded the car and Michael saw the corners of Gavin's mouth fly up a little. Seeing the sunrise after making the list couldn't even compare to the beauty of Gavin's face. And even if he was sleepy, it was still worth it to Michael in order to see what he could do.

\---

Finally, they were in Michael and Ryan’s hometown. Ryan stuck his head out the window like an excited puppy once they rolled into his specific neighborhood, a bike ride away from Michael’s family house. The sun had just set, having dusk loom over them like a ghost. 

Ryan cupped his hands around his mouth. “GUESS WHO’S BACK, BACK, BACK. BACK AGAIN, ‘GAIN, ‘GAIN. RYAN’S BACK, BACK, BACK…” Most people pulled their blinds back to see the commotion; some neighbors came out of their houses. Then, one man came out of his home and started laughing.

Gavin just stared at Michael, begging for an explanation.

“I told this fucker I’d give him $20 to do this,” Michael said, digging around his pockets for the cash. Ryan chucked and took his bag from the back of the car. 

“Have fun, you two. See you two Friday morning,” Ryan said, patting the car and skipping off to give the laughing man a hug.

“That’s Ryan’s dad,” Michael said, waving to the man. “He’s awesome.”

“Looks like it.” Gavin hopped into the front seat and they went down a few blocks to Michael’s place. A small, white, two-story house surrounded by a perfect bed of grass was next to the driveway where Michael parked. Gavin looked confused, prompting Michael to ask.

“You don’t seem like the kind of kid to come from such a pristine home.”

“You’d be surprised.”

Michael grabbed both their bags and walked up the lawn. He took a deep breath as he knocked on the front door. A woman unfamiliar to Gavin opened the door and caugh Michael in a hug.

"Mikey! I'm so happy you're home!" the woman cheered. "Come in, come in!"

Gavin walked into a home full of warm, mellow colors. Autumnal decorations lined the walls and a small fire was nestled in the fireplace. A circular dining table was lined with red cloth and was being set up with a feast. Two other adult men were snickering at the table and a third was preparing something in the kitchen.

"You must be Gavin! I'm Mikey's mother," the woman said, turning to shake Gavin's hand. Gavin smiled and returned the welcome, as Michael's face lit up like the table’s red. The two older men from the dining room got up and introduced themselves as well. The older man then came in to and introduced himself as Michael’s father. 

“It’s great to see that our Mike is doing well in college,” he said. 

“Oh, come on, Dad,” Michael complained, only to get a traditional hair-tussle from the father. 

“Hey, we were worried about you! I mean, with your…” His voice trailed off. 

“Oh, yeah, Mike, that reminds me,” one of his brothers spoke up, “does Gavin know about…”

“WELL SHIT HE WOULD NOW IF HE DIDN’T ALREADY,” Michael yelled back, scaring Gavin a little bit. 

“Will you ever be quiet?” his mother asked sarcastically. Gavin tried not to smile at this entire interaction. Seeing Michael surrounded by the people who influenced him was remarkable. 

Michael led Gavin upstairs to show him his room, where they’d crash for their small vacation. He had a full bed, a small desk, a dresser with a television on top, and posters everywhere. Some were for TV or Internet shows; others were band posters from various magazines. His bedspread looked like a down comforter with the RWBY emblems embroidered on the case.

“Oh, fucking sweet,” Michael gasped, belly-flopping onto his bed. “THANKS MOM FOR WASHING MY BLANKET!”

“You got it, Mikey!” she called back. Gavin giggled.

“What, you’re getting a kick out of all my pet names?” Michael taunted, chucking a pillow at his friend. Gavin nodded and mocked the name. “Could you imagine if your professors just called you Mikey? ‘Mikey! What’s the answer to number 420?’”

“Are you 12 years old?!” Michael shouted again.

Gavin sat on the edge of the bed and they watched some movie before falling asleep. The ride had really worn them out, despite having a pretty good time for the circumstances. They just shared the bed rather than Michael look around for anything to make the floor any less like a floor. Right as they were drifting off, Gavin whispered into the darkness.

“Thanks for the playlist through the city. I knew you were up making it for me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I heard you listening to some of the songs past midnight. It means a lot to me. You cared enough to know how rough that was going to be.”

“Yeah, well, you’re my boi.”

“You’re my boi, too.”

\---

Michael, his family, and Gavin gathered around the table in the early afternoon Thanksgiving Day. They surrounded a large turkey, mashed potatoes, various vegetables, stuffing and cranberry sauce. Gavin thought it was strange, yet still enjoyed a good meal with someone he truly cared about. 

“So, Gavin, where in England are you from?” Michael’s father asked.

“Oxfordshire. I was there for almost all my life before coming overseas for school.”

“And I presume Thanksgiving isn't too common over there?”

“Not really. I had other plans for the first time this year. Unfortunately, something came up but then Michael took me under his wing!”

“When’s the wedding?” Michael’s brothers taunted. 

Michael shot them the look of death as Gavin blushed. 

“So, uh, who’s oldest of the brothers?”

“That dickwad over there is the oldest,” Michael said, pointing across from him, “and that dickface is the middle one, and then I’m the baby.”

“Not even Thanksgiving stops that mouth, huh”? Michael’s mother joked. 

“You know me, Ma,” Michael took a few more bites to take the attention off himself. Gavin supplied some arbitrary entertainment by saying various phrases in his accent. It made everyone happy, so Gavin didn’t mind. He got to see Michael smile. 

They finished off with a pumpkin pie, all while sharing stories of when Michael was younger. Michael pretended to be embarrassed, and as much as some of the stories were extreme, he loved how much of a liking his family took to Gavin. Gavin relayed stories of his own when he could, often pulling from his high school days. 

“When we were younger, we had a cat named Luca,” one of the brothers started, “and that’s also when Michael would eat cereal every day for breakfast as ritual. He must have been like 7 years old, in little second grade. The cat always wanted to drink the milk, so Michael was actually nice and would say ‘No, Luca,’ in his little kid voice. But that cat was persistent. She would come back and try again. So, Michael got angry. He’d start yelling ‘NO, LUCA, NO!’ at the top of his lungs at like 7:30 in the morning. At the time we were all furious, but now, just imagine this one as a tyke, yelling at a cat over cereal.”

“Hey, Luca was a fuckin’ fantastic cat. It was just a challenge because that cat wouldn’t listen to me.” Michael tried defending himself. “Man, I miss that cat.”

Michael and Gavin offered to clear the table and clean up, giving them a second to talk in the kitchen for a few minutes. Michael would lightly scrub the dishes and hand them to Gavin to load into the dishwasher. Things got awfully soapy, and Gavin often would try and take a handful of bubbles to play with. Michael took a scoop and splashed it into Gavin’s face. 

“You asshole!” Gavin yelled, returning the action. Similar to their pre-Halloween fight, this was the Soap Edition. Michael and Gavin played with the soap instead of finishing their job. Once Gavin got some in his eye, though, Michael ran the water so Gavin could blink it out of his system. They stood back to admire their work: a soaking wet sink, floor and full, ready-to-be-cleaned dishwasher. 

And they cracked up.

\---

Michael’s parents insisted that he show Gavin the neighborhood, so they went out to take a stroll around the block. They bundled up in the near freezing conditions and watched their breath hover in front of them. 

“I like your family,” Gavin admitted. 

“They’re really cool,” Michael said, “They used to be really bad with my name and stuff but now? Man, this was the most successful night so far.”

“That’s really cute. Not even my family is that progressive and I’ve been on T for this long.”

They took in the pitch dark sky with only some stars sprinkling their vision. Their cheeks were flushed pink from the windchill, but they kept feeling warmth from the other. Michael noticed that Gavin was shaking more than what would be normal in a cold night. 

“Are you okay, Gavin?”

Gavin’s mind was racing, his heart was fluttering like the butterflies in the stomach, but he sputtered out exactly what he wanted to say.

“Let’s date.”

Michael turned his head so fast he was shocked that he lived. “What?”

“You heard me,” Gavin’s eyes were fixed on the stars. “I’ve liked you since the day we moved in together and you’ve never left my mind. I don’t care about Dan and Ray anymore. I mean, they hurt me, yeah, but I can’t do that to myself anymore. I wanna be happy, and I‘m getting there on my own, but I know for a fact I can be happy with you.”

Michael’s mouth hung open from shock. “I mean, Gavin…”

“If you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay, too,” Gavin started walking back to the house. “Having you as a friend is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t risk that.”

Michael took his hand in Gavin’s. 

“I will absolutely date you.”

They walked back to the house, hand in hand, and crawled under the sheets again. This time, though, they curled together, holding each other, disregarding any parts that were out of place or anything that was deemed “unnatural” and just held each other in the cold, November night as boyfriends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D 
> 
> My wrist isn't any better, but I powered through and wrote this all within the past few hours. I need to be more disciplined. I even forgot what exactly was going down until about noon when I reread my notes. Whoops.
> 
> Happy (very early) Thanksgiving to everyone (or, if you're reading from Canada, right on time!)
> 
> Thanks for ever-loving support and help from the IRL crew
> 
> Thanks for even more kudos and comments! I love each and everyone of them. Your support means the world to me.
> 
> See you next week for another flashback chapter!
> 
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	11. here we are at the start [i can feel the beating of our hearts]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Vox Populi by 30 Seconds to Mars
> 
> Happy Michael Flashback Day!

A teenage boy sat at his computer screen and hesitated. He played with his waist length chocolate hair, something he wished he could change. He was making an account for a fandom website, to interact with others who shared the same passion. His smaller-than-average fingers typed his email address, password and last name without a problem. The first name was the issue.

He found his name months ago, yet dishonesty kept fighting his conscious. Yes, he identified as male, but it wasn't official. It wouldn't be official, according to his family. They still called him by a silly girl's name. They got in his head a lot, trying to revert what damage they thought happened to their child.

"We should have gone to church more..."

"It's probably the damn public school..."

"Too much time on the fucking computer..."

The boy shook his head and clacked away on the keyboard. He was exhausted. For once, he wanted to feel some sort of normal. One day, he would show them. He'd get his name right.

He clicked back to the sign up and finished the form.

"First name: Michael  
Last name: Jones"

\---

Months passed before anyone tried interacting with Michael. It didn't discourage him, though. He was there for himself, a sweet escape from the everyday life of being misgendered. Seeing everyone else interact with one another was enough for him.

One day, Michael saw a comment on a lesser known forum. Not only was it controversial, but it was enough for Michael to put his two cents in the poll. He replied with not only extreme profanity but with enough strong points to have the original poster realize his fault. In a private message, the kid said:

“Wow, that was my bad. I see what you’re getting at now. Sorry for the inconvenience!”

Michael clicked on this person’s profile to meet a 14 year old kid from Georgia. He couldn't help but notice his interests within gaming and such, and attempted friendship. He replied to the original message.

“No problem, bro. Sorry if I seemed really aggressive, I can get that way...my name is Michael, you?”

“You can call me Ryan.”

\---

Almost instantly, Michael had a good friend. Sure, he had his school friends, however most of them were applying to private schools, thus leaving him in the dust. Along with them being more “convenience friends” anyways, Michael really liked talking to Ryan. 

They texted often, sharing tidbits of information about their lives back and forth. They often joked, saying they were in their mid-40s to mock the scare of Internet predators. They lived out their final eighth grade days through text and syncing up movies to watch together online. They vowed to save their voices, though, for the far away day they met. This made watching movies online difficult, but they managed it. Even when Michael came out to Ryan, he didn't bat an eye. 

Before long, Michael sat idly bored in a mandatory biology class. Finally in high school, he only wished he had a friend in school with him. No one really talked to the weird, queer kid. They were friendly during group projects, but pronouns weren’t going anywhere. He at least had a table at lunch, but even that group was sparse. 

His phone vibrated under the lab table, recognizing the distinct pattern he set up for Ryan. He unlocked the screen and read the message.

“BRO MY FAM IS MOVING TO NEW JERSEY WHAT TOWN DID YOU SAY YOU LIVED IN AGAIN”

After a minute of going back and forth, with Michael working stealthily under his table, Ryan confirmed they would be going to the same high school. Michael’s eyes filled up with tears; there was no way he thought he deserved this.

Michael excused himself as fast as possible to be able to momentarily freak out. He didn’t even notice which bathroom he stumbled inside to cry but, man, his heart was filled to the brim with excitement. He texted: “I’m going to hear your voice!!!”

That night, Ryan and Michael planned out meeting for the first time. Ryan gave his flight information - he would be there in a month. They spent every waking moment chatting (more so than they already were), and when Michael found out that the new student, a kid from Georgia named Ryan Haywood, would be joining his math class, he jumped for joy in the class.

His parents couldn’t find a reason for his new found happiness, but they said whatever made him happy made them happy. They were progressing with their child’s transition, however refused to sign off anything while he was still under the age of 18. Pronouns were the latest development out of his family, followed soon by the acceptance of his new name: Michael. Michael was too preoccupied with Ryan’s arrival to really focus on anything else. 

Ryan mattered, nothing else.

\---

Michael felt as if he were to burst out of his skin. 

Ryan was flying in from his old home to the local airport. Michael’s oldest brother had driven his little brother and now followed him around like a puppy. His mind was speeding as he found the gate: “Arriving from: Atlanta, GA'” A high pitched squeal erupted from Michael’s lips, having his brother kneel over laughing. After a quick “shut the fuck up!”, Michael noticed that the door to Ryan’s gate opened. 

Michael stood on a nearby chair to see over the swarm of people. Before long, though, he saw Ryan’s curly hair, emerging last off the plane. As if everything were in slow motion, Michael leaped down and ran towards his friend. Ryan saw the figure running towards him, and dropped everything to meet him halfway. 

When they united for the first time, it was as if the stars aligned. Ryan noted Michael’s soft skin and Michael tangled his fingers into Ryan’s bedhead. Once Michael’s brother took a hundred photos, Ryan pulled back and tussled Michael’s new haircut.

“What the hell did you do to your hair, you fuckin’ nerd?”

Michael burst out laughing as he heard Ryan’s voice. “I had the feeling you wouldn’t take me seriously with hair down to my ass.”

Ryan giggled and picked his bags right back up. They walked to the luggage pick up area, chattering on and on just absorbing the sound of their voices. They descended an escalator before Ryan put his arm around Michael.

“I feel like I’m home.”

\---

Michael sat down with his lunch tray at a table in the corner of the cafeteria. In his junior year, he glanced around at all the other full tables as they laughed and fooled around. After Ryan showed up, his other table of delinquents abandoned him. He started bouncing his leg under the table as he slowly ate.

"Hey Mikey." Ryan said walking over with his tray. He sat down across from him. 

"There you are! Dude, what the fuck took you so long?"

"Sorry, I was talking with Mr. Hullum about my scene." 

"You're performing on Thursday, right?"

"Yeah." Ryan said with a nod. He took a bite of his food. "I'm gonna try out for the school musical next week." 

"Really? That's great!" 

"Yeah? You gonna see me preform?"

"Cocky are we? You don't even know you're gonna get a part."

"Are you kidding? I'm the fucking King of Theater!" Ryan said before laughing. Michael raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah yeah, all hail The Mad King," he said before muttering, "fuckin' psycho."

"So how'd you do on the Chinese test?" Ryan asked.

"Luna gave me an A." Michael said with a smirk.

"Look at you, Mr. Chinese Master." Ryan said with a laugh. “You’re breezing through that class huh?”

“It’s not as easy as it looks.”

“Sure.”

“I’d like to see you try it.”

“Sure…uhh” He spoke next with a heavy fake accent. “That’s my uncle!”

"You fucking dork!" Michael said as he burst out laughing. 

And as cocky as Michael said Ryan was, he got the lead in the school musical. Michael would occasionally show to practice to watch The Mad King reign over the stage. Opening night was packed to the brim; they had to turn attendees away from the lack of space. Michael say front row, right in center to see his best friend rule the land that was theater. 

Once Ryan stepped out on stage, everything the actors worked for fell into place. Everyone cheered for the entire ensemble, yet paid special attention to the new kid who graced the area. Michael found a new sense of pride bubbling in his belly as he watched Ryan beam in the spotlight. 

And even in the coming weeks of high school theater awards, when Ryan won Best Lead, that same feeling of pride came back. He took Ryan out to celebrate, having one of their hundred platonic dates. Michael never wanted to lose the feeling of how important Ryan was to him, and Ryan felt the same exact way.

It's what having a best friend felt like, and shit, they loved it. 

\---

“Alright, so here’s the plan.”

Ryan and Michael were now seniors, discussing their life after high school. The past four years were fill of attachment and defense, as Ryan acted like a shield for Michael's transition. Despite not really going through anything legally due to his parents, Ryan still warded off any bullies that tried using Michael's birth name and pronouns. Michael would laugh with every clever comeback Ryan came up for him, often distracting him from the pain. 

The idea of them being apart was looming and it scared the duo. Each day they spent together was becoming quality time in case they somehow got their top choice schools. They would spend weekends doing homework together or going somewhere to make memories. College visits even became something they did together. It was rumored that they were dating, but they shut down every theory. They called themselves platonic soulmates. 

“We both have top schools, and we are going to strive to get into those bitches. However, that other school up north is pretty sweet too, the one we visited last week. Let’s also apply to that one because we can easily achieve that. If we don’t get into our tops, we’ll go there and have another four years of school together,” proposed Ryan.

“Yes, I like it,” Michael agreed. 

It wasn’t until they began getting answers back that they both got into their choice schools. Yet, they also got into the school they agreed on months prior. They wouldn’t admit to each other that they both changed what they considered their top schools because of the other. They enrolled in the same school and felt weight fly off their shoulders. Their time relaxed and Everything fell in line like the day they first saw each other, the first time they heard the other’s voice. Everything was calm.

The day they set forth for their new lives as adult students, taking the ride up to their college, Ryan spoke to Michael in the car. They weren’t ones to heart to hearts, but they were starting college.

“I don’t know what I really believe in, be it a god or fate or karma. But, shit, something brought me here. Something lined up for me to meet you online, and then for my dad to have to move to this specific town? And now we’re going to college together? Eight years of schooling together...I just have this rising feeling of gratitude for my life that I never knew before meeting you. Thank you, Michael.”

Michael smiled and replied with “I didn’t see that bright of a future when I first discovered my gender ID. I mean, I saw myself growing up, maybe becoming an electrician, and going about my life but you gave me so much confidence. Like the confidence to go for the major in Chinese, since you encouraged me all the years I learned it. I don’t know why you came here, but for the rest of my life, I’ll be thankful. 

"Thank _you,_ Ryan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their friendship is love, their friendship is life.
> 
> Thanks to Adri for being a coauthor for a piece of this chapter (madnessismylover.tumblr.com)  
> Thanks to a lot of my friends because I pulled a lot of inspiration from my personal experiences to craft Michael and Ryan's relationship
> 
> (I REALLY LIKE THE CHAPTER TITLE AGAIN)
> 
> This week, I swear I'm going to get ahead. I have an hour long train ride tomorrow. I can do this.
> 
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick.tumblr.com  
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi


	12. here's an invitation, no time for hesitation [come and join my family] [part 2]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Mechanical Man preformed by Billie Joe Armstrong

Very early the next morning, Gavin heard the obnoxious ringtone first as he came out of his sleep. He stretched his arm out and fumbled for the cell.

“Mmmmm hello,” he slurred.

“Michael?” Ryan’s voice was chipper, despite being confused by what sounded like Michael’s brand new British accent.

“Gabbin.”

“Oh, hey Gavin. Listen, it’s 4:30. We said we were going to do some shopping, remember? I just need you to come get me. Or, if you really want, I can make it over there by bike, but then again...it’s really dark…and cold...”

“Mmm…shoppin’.” Gavin was drifting in and out of sleep. 

“Did I wake you?” Ryan asked. 

“Mmmmmmmmm.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’. Shake Michael awake for me and put the phone next to his ear.”

Gavin shook Michael’s shoulder to have a grumble come from the other side of the bed. Gavin set the phone down and curled back to how he was. 

“Mmm?” 

“MICHAEL DO YOU WANT A FUCKING MINI FRIDGE OR NOT FOR YOUR FUCKING DORM WAKE THE FUCK UP.”

“sHIT,” Michael burst up, not really remembering that his legs were tangled with Gavin’s. He rubbed his eyes with one hand and looked at the time.

“What’s happening?” His words were still thick with sleep. 

“Get your asses up and come get me. We’ve been planning this!” Ryan hung up the phone. 

Michael looked around the dark room, trying to comprehend where he was. He was home; he knew that much. It was Black Friday, apparently, the day in which one wakes up before dawn to save money. He looked over to Gavin, whose arm was still wrapped around his hips. 

“Oh my god,” Michael remembered what happened the night before. Now, he was wide awake. “Gavin,” he whispered. 

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm tell Ryan to go back to sleep,” he moaned. 

“Gavinnn.” Michael ran his fingers through Gavin’s hair. Gavin smiled, despite still being sleepy. His eyes fluttered open and he looked up at Michael. He snickered at the immense bedhead Michael had, and sat up to play with it. 

“Gavin! No! C’mon, we should go,” Michael whispered to him. 

Michael tried getting out of bed but Gavin’s legs were preventing him from leaving. He tried everything to get loose, from tickling to rolling. In the end, he was up, finding some layers to go out into the freezing New Jersey morning. He loaned Gavin a few jackets of his own so he would feel comfortable, and Gavin offered to pay for coffee once his brain was awake. 

The two made it out of the house and onto Ryan’s. Gavin noticed Michael’s free hand and slipped his own into it. Michael blushed profusely, but then confessed something.

“I don’t really want to tell anyone yet, is that okay with you?” Michael asked. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m the happiest boy on Earth. I just want some time of just us, alright?”

“Oh, that’s no problem at all, Michael,” Gavin replied. “Until Ryan gets in the car, though,” he squeezed Michael’s hand, “I’d like this.”

“Deal.”

And they did just that, letting their hands memorize the patterns of the other. Once Ryan stepped out of his house, though, they let go and let Ryan in the back seat. 

“Morning, losers. How was your holiday?” Ryan asked, handing both of them their own piping cup of coffee. 

“Oh shit, we were gonna stop for some. Thanks, man,” Michael said, taking the cup of joe. “It was really great. Plenty of stories for this lad over here to be able to blackmail me with, courtesy of my family.” Michael patted Gavin on the shoulder.

“Did they tell the cat story?”

“Of course they told the cat story.”

“Ryan, how was your day?” Gavin joined the conversation.

“It wasn’t too bad! I told them all about college and they told me about around here and all the local news. Elections and all that. Nothing too spectacular. I told them about Jack and they were taken back but, per norm, they were all like ‘whatever makes you happy, Ryan!’”

“I like how you casually name dropped him despite not really being together,” Michael commented. Ryan shrugged it off and they found a CD to pop in for the ride. As they rode, they sipped their coffee and liked the ambiance of soft music and a quiet world. 

At least until they got to their destination.

The mall was jam packed, with cars flooded all over the parking lot. People were crowding the doors Gavin even pointed out someone with a bloody nose. Michael quickly turned the car around and drove off in the opposite direction, knowing of a safer place for them. Another 20 minutes passed and it was as if they were alone in the world.

“Oh, I get it now.” Ryan realized where they were. 

Gavin was still lost. “Huh?” 

They were at an outdoor outlet, a large walking area with discounted brand name stores throughout. They had sales running year long, but Black Friday was even better. Not many people thought to go there, since it was off the beaten path, but the extra drive meant less risk for their day. 

“It’s not big name, but I’m still gonna get my fuckin’ fridge,” Michael said as he parked the car. “Plus, it's more coffee, less people.”

The three got out and wandered around, letting the sun wash over them as it rose. The three of them found some clothes for the upcoming winter, especially Gavin. He liked wearing Michael's stuff, of course, but he needed his own since the rest was back in Europe. 

Michael had a little bit of trouble passing as a man in some stores, often being directed to the women’s clothing by mistake. Each time, Michael would calmly tell them he was a man, to have the employee profusely apologize and do double or triple takes. After it happened for the third time, Gavin asked Ryan to scurry so he could talk to Michael, who was wearing thin. Ryan left to find something for Jack, and Gavin led Michael into a different store.

“What’re you doin’, Gav?”

“C’mon,” Gavin coaxed. They entered a cookery store, something bound to have what Michael wanted. Even if it didn’t, Gavin would fix his hurting. They walked around, hands stuffed in their pockets, looking at the various kitchen utensils. Once they were away from windows, Gavin took Michael’s hand in his own, like it was earlier in the day.

“You’re stronger than those silly store workers.”

Michael looked at his hand and then up to Gavin. His nose was pink from the chilly air and he wore a warm smile to try and melt the bitter feelings. Gavin squeezed Michael’s hand for support as he began to talk again.

“You’re gonna start hormones, you’re gonna get your face angles, and you’re gonna become the strongest, most handsome man I know.”

Michael blinked a few times and just pulled Gavin into a hug. He buried his head into his neck, nearly holding on for dear life. Gavin just smiled at seeing Michael so affectionate, especially since other shoppers were staring. 

They pulled back and still wandered the store, looking for anything they needed. Michael scolded Gavin for thinking a mini fridge would be in a cookware store, but still understood the confusion. Michael got excited over a box of green velvet cake mix, so Gavin considered it a “thanks for thanksgiving” gift and got it for his boyfriend. They left the store, sadly letting the other’s hand go. They found a coffee shop next door and refreshed their caffeine need with fresh cups. Once they were outside, Gavin had some clarifying to do.

“You know how I said you’re gonna be the most handsome man?”

“Yeah.”

“You did know I meant next to me, of course?”

Michael teased Gavin by almost throwing his new coffee onto him, making him squeal outside the doors. Ryan appeared seconds later since he heard the familiar Gavin noise. They took a few more trips around the stores before piling back in and heading back into town. By then, some of the crowds died down and Michael was able to find a mini fridge for the dorm room. He even bought a pack of sodas for it once they got back to school. They went to drop Ryan off, next. 

The second Ryan stepped out and got his things inside his home, Gavin took his boyfriend’s hand again.

“I like your hand a lot.”

“And it likes you a lot.”

Once they organized their things, they walked back in the Jones' home to see Michael’s mother at the table, looking at pictures.

“Mikey! Come here!” she called. Michael set his bags down, walked over timidly and looked over her shoulder. 

“I found your class photo from third grade. Oh, look how little you were! And...how angry you looked.”

Michael laughed and took the photo from her to examine closer. “Yeah, because the dickhead behind me kept trying to fuck with my hair! I loved that red bow and, shit, he kept fuckin’ with it!”

Gavin peeked around and Michael reluctantly let him see. A large red bow poked from behind, letting the little face appear while keeping the hair down. Along with a little pink blouse, Gavin laughed at how Michael once looked.

“Oh, and I’m sure _you_ don’t have any embarrassing photos either, huh Gavino?” Michael pestered. Gavin stuck his tongue out in retaliation as he sat down next to Michael’s mother to keep looking at pictures. Michael stood nearby to make sure his mother didn’t give anything away, along with seeing his younger self. She pulled out varying school photos, as Gavin noticed the minute changes year to year. One year Michael’s hair was down to his hips, the next it was barely past his ears. One little kid had a pink blouse - the next year it was a deep green. His senior photo really captivated Gavin, since it resembled Michael as of recent. 

Gavin thought Michael looked incredible in a suit and tie.

Michael asked if he could take over, since he had his own stories to share. Michael’s mother let them be as Michael gave his own commentary for each photo. He showed Gavin him as a baby, leading through grade school. His family loved taking photos of him and his brothers, so there were plenty of stories to tell. Every now and again, Michael would be holding up a test with an A+ written on it, but Michael would skip past those to avoid birth name frenzy. 

Michael paused at one that was taken in high school. It was after the musical where Ryan was the lead role. Ryan held a bouquet of roses from Michael, and they had their arms wrapped around their shoulders. Ryan was still in his makeup and stage costume and Michael was casually fancy, with a tie around his neck. The photo behind it was from when Ryan won his award, with both of them dressed to the nines and Michael wearing the same tie. 

“That's my favorite tie," Michael explained, "I wore that tie in my senior photo to commemorate Ryan. He bought it for me really early on for a homecoming dance since I couldn’t get one on my own yet. I still have it hanging up somewhere. Ryan and I even joked, saying that I’ll wear it when he opens on Broadway one day. He kids, but I really think he can do it.”

“I love the relationship you two have. The stars were right when they brought you together,” Gavin confessed.

\---

Saturday was departure day, where Michael and Ryan said goodbye to their families. Ryan would be back in time for Christmas, but Michael wouldn’t be back for much longer. His family made plans elsewhere for the holiday, having Michael stay cozy back on campus. He would go down for a weekend in January, seeing as he had about a month off before the next semester. Besides that, though, he would be a free man.

After fitting the new mini fridge Michael bought in the car, they started heading back to school. Before they got on the highway, Ryan asked Michael to take a special little trip. Michael knew exactly what he was getting at and took the detour. Soon, they arrived at their old high school. 

They got out of the car and walked the grounds for a minute, looking at the three story building. Its cookie cutter windows and brick finish brought haunted memories back for a second, before funny memories reemerged. 

“Remember when our Chinese teacher made us call him to practice pronunciation? Except it was a singing assignment?” Ryan offered. 

“Ooh, don’t remind me, Haywood. That was the worse part of sophomore Chinese.”

“Well, besides me nearly failing. Thanks again for your help.”

“不客气 。”

“Can I assume that’s ‘you’re welcome’?” Ryan whispered to Gavin. He didn’t try very hard though, since Michael interjected.

“Did you really forget all your language skills?” 

They walked around the school track, remembering antagonizing gym classes and laughing when their teacher yelled at someone that wasn’t them. Gavin chimed in with stories from his own high school and the differences between the systems. Their shoes crunched leafs beneath their feet as they strolled, letting their words become apart of the atmosphere. Stories of sorrow erupted from them along with stories that made them erupt in laughter. 

They found it odd that they stopped to tell more stories since most of what they did was to do such. Upon reflection, the decision to stop and take the time to show Gavin not only a place of importance but also a place of development was what they considered important. Even when they were three hours behind on schedule, they couldn’t find it in their hearts to regret staying there, just talking. 

It was time they had that they needed to embrace, for something unknown was beginning to cloud their consciences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually got ahead of myself this week and finished this chapter early this afternoon. Ah, that's one hella feeling.
> 
> If you didn't notice, I updated the amount of chapters this story will have. 25 total, with an estimating finale date of Jan. 23, 2015. I'm very excited about the future of this story. I hope you are too.
> 
> Also, last chapter had the most amount of hits for any one chapter and I thank you so much for that. The comments, kudos and hits make my day <3 don't feel shy, lay 'em on me
> 
> Catch you next week! Yay Halloween!
> 
> My twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	13. follow me to a bottomless sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: O.C. Guns by The Offspring. 
> 
> Happy Halloween!

Michael walked through the door to his dorm and really took in the sight. Gavin was sitting, reading some book on their couch, with a mug to his right. They had begun their Christmas decorating a little early, finding a very small Charlie Brown-esque tree for the corner. It snowed the night before, so the white Earth showcased the back of the room and brought in enough natural light. 

Michael couldn’t have felt happier. 

“Hey Gav,” Michael said, setting down his bookbag, “You have plans for next Saturday?”

“Mmm, no, I don’t think so. I remember you have that job interview, though,” Gavin answered. 

“Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Well, it’s Ryan’s birthday and I wanted to take him out. Wanna join?”

“Yeah, totally!” Gavin cheered. Michael joined him on the couch, curling up under a blanket.

“Whatcha got there?”

“Book I took from your room,” Gavin answered, not letting his eyes leave the page.

Michael looked closer and saw it was a book he bought a few days earlier. “You bastard! I was working on that!”

“Well you still can! I’ll have one bookmark and you another.”

Michael huffed. “Okay, whatever. What’s mine is yours, after all.”

“Yeah, and then I can tell you all about when this one girl-”

“GAVIN NO! Don’t spoil! You’re ahead of me!”

“But Michael!”

Michael tackled him to keep him from moving on and potentially spoiling any content. Gavin screeched in distress and kept the book away from the madness. “And you call Ryan the Mad King!”

Michael tried reaching for the book, only making Gavin want to spoil more. He wrapped his legs around Gavin’s to try and keep him down. 

“The more you struggle for it, the more I’ll say! I just read where-”

Michael shut Gavin up by placing his hand over his mouth. Gavin muffled and tried to continue talking, but it was no use. His only way out was to lick the hand.

“Gavin! Why?!” Michael screamed, pulling his hand back. They went back to their typical horseplay before Michael screamed again.

“Don’t make me kiss you!!”

Gavin scoffed at the thought. “Oh, I’d like to see you try, you knob!”

Michael raised an eyebrow, then leaned down and locked his lips with Gavin’s.

It was just a few seconds in time, just enough to get Gavin to _shut up_ but it lasted for years to them. Gavin was caught up in how soft Michael’s lips were and _"wow he actually did it!"_ Michael pulled back too quickly but he knew he must despite feeling that same rising, bubbling happiness he felt when he changed his name. 

When they looked at each other, everything felt new. 

"I-uh, wow," they sighed. 

"Hey, do that again?" Gavin asked, suddenly feeling very small and shy. 

Michael just laughed before cupping the back of Gavin's head and leaning down again. This time they let their lips fuse together for the better part of a minute. Gavin let the book slip out of his hand as he wrapped his arms around Michael's back and pulled him closer, pressing him to his chest. 

When they broke apart again, they were a clumsy pile of giggles. Gavin managed to hold onto Michael even tighter as they were laughing. Between tiny snowflakes still trickling from the sky and the warmth they shared, they were so content for once in their lives. 

"I, uh, was only in your room to leave you a little something," Gavin said once they calmed down. 

Michael reluctantly got up and went to see some tank top looking clothing on his bed. He went and felt the material and he knew it from the touch - chest binders. 

"Gavin! Where'd you get all these??" Michael cheered, picking up and hugging them. 

"They're mine. I planned on donating them after surgery but then I met you and was like 'well, I'll donate them to you!' and I thought it'd be a lovely surprise!" 

Michael placed a huge kiss on his cheek and ran to try them on while Gavin's lips were still sparkling. Gavin cupped his cheek and heard Michael's sounds of delight from the bathroom. 

Gavin couldn't have felt happier. 

\---

A couple days later, it was Game Night. Michael and Gavin set up a table of cheap, old candy they snagged from Halloween sales and Ryan would supply the soda, per norm. While they waited for their friend, Gavin went over lines for a scene in class, and Michael would translate them to Chinese to practice. It was something they liked doing since often, one would make the other cry laughing.

Finally, Ryan showed up and had a six pack of some strange soda. He shuffled in and put the case down, trying to pretend he wasn’t late. 

It didn’t work.

“Ryan, you’re late, bud,” Gavin said, setting up the Xbox.

“Yeah, sorry, I was busy,” Ryan mumbled, still trying to forget what he did.

“What could you be doing, besides seeing us or your professor?” Michael teased.

“Dudes, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Ryan itched his face for a moment and a pale cream remained on his hands.

“What could possibly be so bad?” Gavin pushed, “Please, Ry.”

“Alright! Fine! I was modeling!”

Michael and Gavin froze.

“Bro,” Michael stated.

“It was something I wanted to try and they were paying well and I thought ‘hey, why not’ so I went to the place and they did my makeup and shit and took photos and shit and it was alright.”

“Dude,” Gavin followed.

“I don’t know if I’m gonna stick with it, though, I don’t think I was very good at it.” Ryan was pouting, nearly frustrated with himself.   
“Do you have any of the photos?” asked Michael.

“I...yeah,” Ryan fell, defeated, and pulled out the previews from his pocket. “They made me wear like 90s clothes and this weird gnome hat.”

Michael and Gavin looked at the pictures and gasped. Ryan was looking _fine._

“JAMES RYAN HAYWOOD WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!” Michael screeched. 

“Huh?”

“‘I’M NO GOOD AT IT’ MY LEFT BALL, RYAN!” Michael continued.

“Ryan, seriously, this is fantastic! You look great!” Gavin cheered.

“Really?”

“Absolutely! Stick with it!”

“Man, look at your fuckin’ eyes!”

“Wow, alright, I guess. They did ask me to come back…”

“Go!!”

“Your hair is so pretty!”

“Fine! And, yeah, it is pretty pretty.”

\---

Saturday rolled around and Ryan turned 19 years old. Before the party he had planned, Michael had planned to take his best friend out to lunch. They went to the same corner place that Michael and Gavin went to when Gavin was upset about his old flames. They ordered a regular lunch, but it was special since it was the two of them.

“Sorry Gavin couldn’t show up, he’s been working really hard over this one scene,” Michael explained, to which Ryan understood and empathized. 

“So how’s 19?”

“Well, the same old. Tonight’s gonna be rockin’, though.”

“Oh, yeah, who’s coming?”

“Same deal as Halloween, my dear Michael. Whoever wants to come as long as they bring some sort of gift. I suspect a lot of random people and items.” Ryan laughed diabolically.

“The Mad King reigns on,” Michael sighed. 

“I hope you got me something awesome this year. No offense, but last year was a little weak.’

“Hey, a stuffed cow and me buying you lunch is a decent ass gift,” Michael defended. 

“You bought me the shitty school lunch and you barely had enough for the cookie!” Ryan retaliated. 

Michael nodded in retreat as their food arrived. “I’ll have you know I have something back in my dorm along with this much better meal. Plus this place serves great ice cream so get yourself something nice.”

They ate and reminisced past birthdays while the afternoon rolled away. Michael would share stories of his childhood that Ryan heard thrice before but listened with the same intensity as round one. Ryan would do the same, before he changed the topic from birthdays to something far more important.

“So, Mr. I-get-shots-in-less-than-a-month, you excited?”

“Oh my god, you have no idea. Gavin is being such a sweetie about it, too. He giving me all these precautions and things to watch out for and things to look forward to and he’s being really so friendly.”

"How fucking precious," Ryan sneered. 

"Oh, like your relationship with Pattillo is peaches and cream?" Michael teased. 

"I'll have you know that he called me last night to make sure I know the new assignment!"

"How fucking precious," Michael sneered. 

Ryan brushed him off and sang more praises of Jack as they ordered some ice cream. Michael loved seeing Ryan light up; it was as if he were performing yet all his feelings were genuine. 

They left the restaurant and headed back to Ryan's place. Upon arrival, a bunch of people burst out behind furniture yelling "surprise!!"

"It's not a surprise party if I plan it!" Ryan yelled. 

"Well surprise it's happening earlier!" someone yelled back. 

The party started a full two hours before planned, but Ryan was happy regardless. People complied with bringing a gift, just like they did at Halloween. Michael and Gavin told Ryan they'd stay after the party ended to chill and see what strangers brought. 

At one point in the evening, Ryan noticed Michael and Gavin being...exceptionally close to each other. It seemed like they were giggling a lot more and just stuck together like permanent glue. They started whispering, nodded, and walked over to Ryan. 

"Hey, guess what," Michael commanded. 

"You two are doin' the nasty?" Ryan guessed. 

"Ryan! Gross!" Gavin squirmed. "It's like wet bread."

"We're dating!" Michael cheered. 

"Finally! For fuck's sake, that took 19 years!"

Ryan gave them each a hug and they continued on with the party. The music was loud and the crowd was lively. A drastic change that Gavin notice was the absent of drugs, something Ryan ensured. They had the time of their lives, and one of the first great memories Ryan has as a nineteen-year-old. 

The night ended and people phased out as Ryan opened his array of gifts. Mostly they were a few dollars in an envelope, but he still got a good amount of money. Some people threw in a mug or some other random thing from their dorm. A few packs of ramen were there as well, something Ryan would use that very night. As the trio arranged the items, Ryan got a phone call. 

"Hello? Oh, hi! Yeah, it's going great! Uh...ye-yeah! Yes, does tomorrow work? That sounds perfect. I'll see you at 8."

Michael and Gavin looked at Ryan as he fell to the floor. He curled up in the fetal position and was grinning like the maniac he was. 

"Jack asked me to a birthday dinner."

"HOLY SHIT RYAN!" Michael screamed, falling to the floor to give him a hug. 

"Tomorrow at 8?!" Gavin couldn't believe it. 

"Tomorrow at 8!!" Ryan confirmed. He was over the moon. 

"That's fucking amazing! Beats the headphones I bought you!" Michael couldn't believe the fate. 

The three parted ways for not only it was close to midnight but Ryan was exhausted from his extra exciting day. Michael and Gavin walked back to their dorm, hand in hand, getting home very late from the distance. 

"We really should've asked for a ride," Gavin commented. 

"Yeah but I got to hold your hand for like an hour and a half," Michael said, squeezing Gavin's hand, "All worth it."

The night hid Gavin's blush as they approached their dorm. Once they got inside, they went to call it a night. 

"Good night, Gav."

"Good night, Michael."

Michael tried letting go of Gavin's hand, but Gavin held on and pulled Michael in for a good night's kiss. Their eyes fluttered shut and they wrapped their arms around the other's hips. After walking in the December night, feeling the body heat was perfect. 

"Fuck it, come here."

Michael led Gavin into his bedroom and pushed the spare bed against his own. Michael crawled in and pushed the blanket over. Gavin got in next to him and curled into the embrace just like during Thanksgiving. 

It was as if time was beginning to run out, the way they held each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to writing most of this on my phone this week and not doing much editing. However I'm currently not home and updating on the fly, but I still find this chapter really cute!
> 
> Thanks for lovely comments and kudos, the more the merrier. :)
> 
> Thanks to the IRL crew
> 
> My Twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	14. you know i only wanted fun then you got me all fucked up on love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Where Did the Party Go? by Fall Out Boy
> 
> ~Merry Christmas!~

The dreaded time had come for the college students. 

It was finals week. 

Michael and Gavin holed up in their room, either sleeping, eating, or studying. They told Ryan they would meet up with him to celebrate at the very end, but in the meantime, it was time for them to cram. 

Michael was reading books in Chinese to practice and Gavin was trying to go over a skit he was to present. 

“Michael, can you help me... I can’t get this one bit down,” Gavin asked, emerging from the spare room. They had transformed Gavin’s old room to be a study and storage area and they slept in the other. Michael was curled on the couch, headphones in and a mug of coffee to his side.

“Gavin, I’m reading,” Michael told him in Chinese for added practice.

“Please?” Gavin replied, using his own foreign vocabulary. 

“Gavin no,” Michael went back to reading his book.

Gavin went over and crawled on top of him. He sat in Michael’s lap, blocking his view of the book and went back to his script.

“Really, Gavin?”

"Michael, please? It won't take much. You can even read the lines in Chinese if you want. Plus, this scene is one I think you'll get a kick out of, if I know you like I know you."

Michael took the paper from his boyfriend as Gavin stood. He would read it in English, and while Gavin recited his part, Michael would also be silently translating. His Chinese final was the next day while this scene for Gavin was the day after. 

It wasn't until long Michael figured out why Gavin needed him to be there - a romantic kiss would lead into a night in bed, and Gavin wanted Michael for that one little kiss. 

"You fucker," Michael said as he got up to meet Gavin's height. 

"I actually think you have a different line, there, Michael."

"Fuck off and kiss me."

Gavin laughed and planted his lips upon Michael's. That one kiss lead into some cuddly time on the couch of warm drinks and kisses. They lost a little bit of time from their spontaneous make out session, but they called it a good way to take a break. 

Night fell, letting a little bit of moonlight shine into their living space. Gavin got up to make another cup of tea for Michael as he put on their favorite Chinese movie. When Gavin handed Michael his cup, Michael took a huge gulp of the warm, leafy water.

"Oh fuck!" Michael sputtered, letting water drop out of his mouth. "Fuck!"

"Michael, what happened?"

"How hot did you make the tea?" Michael asked, his eyes beginning to water. 

"Hottest setting? Did you forget that I just made it?"

Michael shook his head yes and Gavin couldn't help but giggle a little bit. He went across the hall very quickly to see if anyone had any ice, and after a few minutes, he came back with a cup of ice and even a popsicle someone donated. Michael ate the ice chips and frozen treat while bundled in Gavin's lap to make his tongue feel better. 

"I'm so dumb," Michael was lisping a little bit, "This happened to me last year too."

"Nah, it's okay, Michael," Gavin placed a kiss in Michael's hair. "It happens to the very best of us."

\---

Michael came back to the dorm, exhausted from his Chinese exam. He felt confident with it, despite having stayed up until 4 in the morning and beginning to have a caffeine crash. His tongue was still scalded from his burn, so a cold soup was his lunch and then a well deserved nap was his reward. After that, another night of cramming was on his agenda. 

He curled up on the couch and let the cool soup run over his burn. As he ate, Gavin came out of the room, nearly scaring Michael.

"Sorry, I thought you knew I was here!" Gavin apologized. Michael shook it off and noticed the bags under Gavin's eyes.

"No sleep?"

"Yeah. Just anxious for my finals."

"Ah, it'll be alright. Nothing the Powerful Gavin David Free can't handle."

Gavin lit up from hearing his name and went over to try Michael's soup. 

"What kind?" Gavin stuck his finger in the cup.

"Cucumber, you twat. Get your own fuckin' spoon."

"Where'd you find it? It's really good!"

"Down the path, in the plaza. My tongue still hurts," Michael explained. Gavin nodded and placed it in his memory bank. 

"I'm off for my first one, I'll text you afterwards," Gavin said, taking his jacket and leaving the dorm. Michael nodded and resumed his soup, then crawled into their bed for his nap. He missed Gavin beside him in bed, despite the fact he was only gone for about two hours. Michael's emotion subsided as his body drifted off. 

It seemed as if he blinked before he saw Gavin sitting on the edge of the bed, taking his shoes off. Michael stirred, sitting up and then flopping back down next to Gavin.

"What's your story tonight?" Michael mumbled as he stretched.

"Studyin'. Eating at some point. You know, the usual," Gavin answered, already standing to make tea. 

"Can you make me tea?" Michael asked, looking at Gavin upside down, "Just not too hot please."

"Of course!” Gavin snickered at Michael, “What kind?"

"Peppermint?"

Gavin left the room and soon came back with a mug before giving him a kiss and heading to hit the books. Michael sipped the tea this time and let the warm, minty flavors replace his ache. It tasted extra sweet, too, since Gavin made it for him. 

That night, since Michael had his nap, he was ready to be awake until the ungodly hours of the morning. Around 3, he noticed Gavin hunched over his work, slipping out of his hands and occasionally falling into his book. Michael took in how Gavin was just in his pajama pants, finally comfortable being without a shirt. Michael loved seeing his scars, and sometimes became envious. Tonight, it just highlighted the hard work Gavin has done and will continue to do. 

He slipped out of the room and reemerged with a cup of coffee, made to Gavin’s liking. He set it down next to his boyfriend and wrapped one arm around his shoulder. 

“Good night, kiddo. Best of luck if I don’t see you before your test.”

“Thank you, love.” Gavin didn’t look up from his book, but still smiled in the dimly lit room. 

\--

Finally, finals had ended and vacation officially began.

A week before the big holiday, Michael and Gavin were going to Ryan's for a date. Ryan would be out and about with Jack, so he gave Michael the spare key to his place. It was time for Christmas cookies.

Michael and Gavin walked into a warm, toasty apartment and gazed at the decor. A medium sized tree was decorated with assorted ribbons and a round ornaments. Garnish and other trimmings lined the walls and rainbow lights were everywhere. 

"Has he always been this way, Michael?" Gavin asked, setting down their bags.

"Yep, you should have seen his parents' place. It's even more elaborate. I bet you $50 that half this stuff is from home," Michael answered. 

They preheated the small oven and began reading over a recipe for cut-out cookies. Michael relied on Gavin to take care of the flour and other dry ingredients while Michael started creaming butter and sugar. They brought a speaker as well, and began blaring Christmas carols. Gavin was going to reach for the flour, when instead, it just slipped out of his hands, leaving a puff of flour in Michael's hair. 

"Did something spill?" Michael asked, reaching to his head.

"No?" Gavin played dumb.

"Oh, goddamnit Gavin!" Michael took his flour hand and brushed the remains onto Gavin. Gavin shook it off before returning to his dry ingredient duty. They worked in silence before it was time to mix the two together. Gavin slowly poured his concoction into the standing mixer and watched as the science unfolded before his very eyes. 

"Okay, now we need to stick it in the fridge and let it chill for a bit. Then we can roll it out and do the cut out shapes. Alright?"

"Sounds like a plan!"

As they waited for the dough to cool down, Michael and Gavin rave-danced to the Christmas music. They both headbanged to the sweet, light music but it left them in giggles. They nearly forgot why they were there in the first place before they actually took the time to listen. 

"Oh yeah, Christmas music, Christmas food," Gavin said. They went back and as Michael rolled out the dough, Gavin chose the cookie cutters they'd use. He chose a little Santa, a wreath, a tree, a cross and an ornament. They cut out the shapes and while they baked, they ate the leftover bit of dough that didn't make it. Michael took the pans out of the oven and Gavin prepared frosting.

"What colors you gonna use, boi?" Gavin asked.

"Pull 'em all out, we got 'em all," Michael replied as he moved the cookies to a cooling wrack. Gavin pulled out the store bought tubes they found and cut the tips off. Along with blue, yellow, purple and orange and brown, they got double the amount for black, red and green to be super safe. They were certain they wouldn't run out at this rate.

Gavin started with a cross while Michael went for the tree. Michael used mostly green with the other colors becoming dots representing ornaments. Gavin outlined the cross on brown, then decorated the edges with red. 

"What's the best Christmas present you got, Michael?" Gavin wondered, sparking conversation. 

"I got a TV when I was 15," Michael answered, "My brothers chipped in and got it for me. Granted it was small and cheap but it ran an Xbox so I was thrilled. Plus, it was the first gift where the tag said 'To: Michael' so it has a special place in my heart."

"That's precious."

"You?"

"I got my first Xbox at 13, and because of it, I got into playing Halo. My parents were confused because it was marketed for boys but they backed off. Because of it, I Googled a lot of Halo stuff and found RvB and then the rest of all that stuff. Then I signed up for the site, met Ray, and as they say, the rest is history."

Michael smiled as he started to tell his own story. "I remember one year, I was 12 years old, and I begged for one game. It was from a metal band and it was the only game they ever put out. I wanted it more than life itself and any transitioning stuff I wanted, but my parents' said no because it was violent or whatever bullshit reason they gave. My brothers couldn't even swing it for me. I mean, they could do the TV a few years later but not the game. It was a huge bummer."

"Dude, almost the same thing happened to me! Except it was a CD. I wanted it more than anything, despite the fact I could just go out and get it. I asked for months but because it had the parental advisory along with a grenade on the cover, my parents said no. I mean, I've listened to it since then but never had the hard copy.”

"Ooh, that fuckin’ sucks. For me, I mean, I understand why my parents did it, but whatever. My little 12 year old heart was devastated."

"Well maybe that's why it was such a big deal! Little Michael with such an intense game!"

Michael took his frosting and smeared it across Gavin's nose and Gavin pouted. Michael snapped a picture of the scene to show Ryan later. They continued decorating their creations, often with Michael mocking Gavin's frosting skills. "You can absolutely master pumpkins, but cookies are your achilles heel!" he would tease.

They cleaned the kitchen right after and took a photo of their work. The drastic difference between each was astounding. Gavin could nail color theory, but the production looked like a 5 year old did it. Michael, on the other hand, looked like he could sell them . 

When they left, they left a plate of cookies out for Ryan as a thank you. They didn't bother wrapping the plate up since they knew he'd be back soon. The poorly decorated cookies were paired with a note. 

"Thanks bro. Sorry they look like shit. Gavin's not a cookie artist. -Michael and Gavin"

Gavin took a picture of it to always remember the fun they shared. Once they got home, they merged photos and printed them out for their walls. Along with their already decorated apartment, it just emphasized the love they had for each other. They stuck them right against the door frame to their bedroom, so they could see them daily. It added atmosphere to their little world. 

They curled up on the couch along with mugs of cocoa and they cookies they made. They didn't even know what was on the TV; they were too invested in the other. 

"Gavin, I have to say, it hasn't even happened yet, but this is my favorite Christmas, I'm not in a transphobic community and I’m with someone I really care about. I'm really happy you're here.”

"Aw," Gavin cooed, stealing a kiss. "I'm so thrilled to have you. It's my favorite Christmas as well, for nearly the same reasons. Plus, I can actually cuddle my boyfriend this year!"

The two of them giggled at the past and curled further into the present. 

\---

The magical morning finally dawned on the two boys. Soft, small snowflakes tumbled onto the ground and the two woke up on Christmas morning. Gavin shook Michael awake like a child so they could open their presents. He was too proud of his to wait any longer. 

"Merry Christmas, Michael!" Gavin whispered, having Michael roll over. Michael smiled and wished him the same before getting up and looking for a sweater. Gavin loaned him the one he wore to sleep and found another shirt laying on the floor. 

The two went out to their small tree and turned the water heater on first. Then, after having a second to take in their drinks, Michael saw it was snowing. 

"Holy shit! A white Christmas! That almost never happens!" he cheered. Gavin couldn't believe the smile he saw on Michael's face. "Look how much snow there is, Gavin!"

Gavin looked out the window while resting his chin on Michael's shoulder. He placed a kiss on his neck then went to get his gift. 

"I'm so excited about this, here you go!" Gavin said. 

Michael sat on their couch and unwrapped the perfectly decorated box. "You wrap this yourself?"

"I learned how to in, like, second grade."

Michael tore it off to reveal a video game from six years ago. It was an old generation console game as this point, but Michael could still play it. He recognized it at first glance.

"Gavin, no way!" Michael was ecstatic. "That's - there's no way! It’s the game!!”

"I knew you'd like it! I remember you telling me about it and so I searched for it! Easy peasy. I just had to be sneaky and go pick it up without you noticing."

"Gavin, thank you so much! Now my present looks weak."

"Aw, posh, don't say that! It's from you, of course I'll love it!"

Michael blushed and handed him a not-so-perfectly wrapped gift. Gavin tore it open and saw a CD that he had been meaning to have. 

"Dude! Fuck yeah! The CD from a few years back!" Gavin couldn't help smiling wide. "That is astounding!"

Michael lived to see Gavin's smile that wide. "I remember you talking about it too, and when Ryan went shopping for Jack one day, I tagged along and saw it!" Michael explained. "I knew you'd like it.”

Gavin pulled Michael to his feet and enveloped him in a hug akin to their first. Michael snuggled himself into Gavin and they rocked a little bit. 

"Oh, I also got you this."

Gavin pulled out another package, this time, wrapped as a small container. Michael unwrapped it to find a personalized ornament. It had two little people dressed in ugly sweaters with their named printed under it. 

"I had a lot of these growing up," Gavin told him, "but none of them ever had the right name for me. Ray, Dan and I had one too but, well, you know what happened there. I thought you'd like one for yourself, with both the right names."

Michael's heart warmed at the sight. "Gavin, it's beautiful," Michael whispered. "Look, my name."

Michael instantly turned and hung it on their little tree, it having a perfect spot right in the center. 

“I, uh , made you a mixtape.”

Michael pulled out a CD case and handed it to Gavin. He opened it to see the track listing, noting some songs in particular. The one he noticed the most was one titled The End of All Things.

“Michael...the last track?” Gavin knew it by heart, but wouldn’t let himself believe that someone thought of _him_ when they heard it.

“ _In these coming years, many things will change,_ ” Michael recited, standing to move closer to Gavin. “ _But the way I feel will remain the same._ ”

Michael cupped Gavin’s face and kissed him, sighing a bit. Gavin’s heart erupted in both success and euphoria before their door called for an interruption. Gavin skipped over to see Ryan, standing with a few bags around his arms.

“Merry Christmas!” he cheered

“Merry Christmas!” the couple followed.

He brought them both gift cards to the campus bookstore and also money certificates to their favorite coffee joint. Michael found him a small snow globe that featured a crown in the middle, alluding to his "Mad King" theater productions. Gavin got him a little pop out Christmas card with a gift card to a local cookie store. He also got him a little ornament of his own, for both him and Michael. It was similar to the one he got for Michael, except he left himself out of it.

"You two are closer than close. You totally need it!" Gavin cheered. Ryan was buzzing with joy. 

"That's so sweet, Gav! Thanks man!" Ryan hugged him for the first time, which made Michael buzz as well. There was something really sentimental to see the two he loved most become closer.

They watched a few classic Christmas specials to enjoy their day before outside called their names. Ryan suggested a snowball fight, to which Michael and Gavin could not resist. They bundled up and went outside to see many students had the same idea they did. 

They said they went "1v1v1" and began molding the snow. Michael was the one to make the first hit right on Gavin's back. Gavin began to retaliate before being absolutely nailed by Ryan. Michael and Ryan ended up obliterating Gavin, even accidentally nailing his nose. Michael ran over to kiss it to make it feel better before squishing a snowball into his hair. Ryan snapped a picture of it, both the kiss and the surprise. 

Ryan stuck around for a little while before heading home to go visit his parents. Michael and Gavin ended up teaming up against some of the math majors and battled it out for a solid hour. Gavin loved the feeling of breathlessness while Michael was beginning to feel lightheaded from his binder. Michael soon had to call it quits, and Gavin went back upstairs with him to make sure he didn't collapse on the stairs. 

They resumed their movies, and even played the game Gavin bought Michael. By then, the graphics were outdated, but Michael loved it nonetheless. Michael also destroyed Gavin in it, but they had a jolly time anyways. It was Christmas - nothing could go wrong.

At one point, Gavin got a call from his parents overseas. It was very late for them, but Gavin took the call regardless. 

"Merry Christmas!" Gavin cheered. He left the room to take the call.

"What? W-No, no that's not possible. Dad, stop. Stop. You can’t be serious. You told me it was benign just a few weeks ago.”

Gavin started pacing the room, occasionally peeking out at Michael. He was too focused on the game to be eavesdropping. 

“I know I need to, Dad, I’m not an idiot. It’s difficult. I don’t want to. I’ll talk with my counselor. Okay. Tell her I want her to get better soon. I’ll talk to you later.”

Gavin hung up the phone and put his head down on a desk. His world was spinning and he quickly began to vomit. With a lull in the game, Michael overheard it and rushed in to see his love sick.

Michael rushed him under a trashcan as he was heaving. “Are you alright?” 

“I-yeah. It’s not important right now. It will be but not now, not on fucking Christmas.”

Michael doubted him but wouldn’t question it, not in the moment. “Do you want to call it a night?”

Gavin nodded and Michael helped him to bed. He got him into comfortable clothes and made sure he was warm in the winter night. Once they were bundled in, Michael kissed Gavin’s nose and fell asleep resting on his chest, one arm wrapped around his shoulder like a sash.

Once Gavin knew Michael was asleep, he let himself softly sob for a few minutes, scared at his impending future. 

He would have tell Michael tomorrow.

* * *

END OF PART 1 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used - The End of All Things by Panic! at the Disco
> 
> Phew! This was a fun one to write. It was my first big chunk for NaNoWriMo this year! I'm using this story as my project. If you want to track my progress, check out... 
> 
> _http://nanowrimo.org/participants/emilycarosidy/novels/it-was-a-thousand-to-one-and-a-million-to-two-time-to-go-down-in-flames-and-i-m-takin-you/stats_
> 
> (haha this is only so long because of the title). 
> 
> As of this moment, 6:15 PM, there's 12,875 words! Can't wait to show you everything I've been working on. (NaNo is actually why this chapter is so long hehe)
> 
> Thanks for all your love this past week! I'd love to hear more <3 thanks to the ever loving support from all my friends and fam
> 
> ALSO! The whole "end of part 1" thing is just an organizer thing. As I was writing the other half of the story, I was exploring a bunch of stuff so I thought "it would make sense as a part 2". Part 2 will be published here it'll just have a fancy header at ch. 15
> 
> In short, chapters 1-14 are part 1 and 15-25 will be part 2...followed by another surprise after that.
> 
> See you next week!! 
> 
> My twitter - @Michaeldetuzi  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	15. the end is coming everybody run now we're gonna live forever gonna live forever tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Stranger in a Strange Land by 30 Seconds to Mars
> 
> If you didn't see the last chapter's update, I made a small change. Chapters 1-14 are now considered "part 1" of this story, and this will be the beginning of "part 2". I only split these up because I explore a bunch of different stuff in the last part of the story.
> 
> That being said, I go through some kind of dark stuff in this part, so if you have a difficult time reading certain scenarios (depression, for example) or anything you deem to be "triggering" _**PLEASE**_ tell me and I will make sure you're aware of what's happening every week. I want this story to be enjoyed by as many people as possible and I'll accommodate. (Don't even be shy about silly stuff, I really won't think twice about why you need something warned, I have my own list of things to be forewarned about so it's all good I promise.)

PART 2 

* * *

Gavin would spend the day after Christmas in a roller coaster of emotions. 

For the morning, he spent it with Michael as he started his very first round of testosterone shots. Ryan sent his apologies for not being there, but he swore to come to the following ones. Michael rented a car for the occasion and they made their way to the doctor’s. Michael chattered the entire time, lightning bolting through his system. Gavin had to get him to calm down enough when they made it to the office, to remain poised in the waiting room.

Just as Michael was about to get the shot, Gavin clung himself to his hand for support. Michael found it silly, but still ending up squeezing it pretty hard when the shot punctured his skin. Michael couldn’t believe it, and began bouncing on the doctor’s table, to which Gavin had to calm him down again. On the ride home, Michael would ask if his voice sounded any different, to which Gavin giggled and lightly mocked his eagerness. 

They came back to the dorm, where Michael threw on a warmer jacket to go back outside.

“I have my gift cards; I’m gonna pick some stuff out across the road to celebrate. Wanna come?”

“Uh, I have to talk to my adviser about some stuff, you go ahead,” Gavin answered, shooing away from the topic but Michael didn’t notice or mind. “Okay, I’ll see you later!” He took himself out for a celebratory bookstore visit, unknowingly leaving Gavin to tend to their future. 

Once he got to the office, he found that the classes were easier to cancel than to register for, so it made it easier for him to get away with the time off. After thanking his adviser for the help, he dragged himself back home. Michael still wasn’t back; “thank god,” he whispered to the atmosphere. Gavin went online and booked a flight, beginning to cry as the order processed. Since Michael was still out, he allowed himself to cry louder than usual, since he had the space. Even when he printed the ticket, holding it in his hand brought shivers up his spine.

Unknown to Gavin, Michael came back in a few minutes after, smiling as he put his bag down. "Gav, I'm back!" 

Michael walked into their study to see Gavin's eyes puffy and nose pink. "Gavin?" He walked over to him, squatting down to be at eye level. Gavin didn't really register Michael's presence until he felt him on his shoulder. 

"Michael, I need to tell you something. This isn't easy and it sounds fucking fake but I need to tell you."

"What is it, Gavin?"

“Come, come.” Gavin led him out and sat him on the couch. He put one arm around Michael and the other to wipe his dripping nose. 

"I'm taking next semester off, Michael."

Michael looked at him as if he were intoxicated. "Gav-"

"And I'm going home to England."

Michael's blood went cold. He looked to Gavin with wide eyes as the other's filled up again. 

"I don't want to, Michael. I would give the world. It's just...my mum has had many cancer scares in the past. I think I told you that. It's just that this time, it really happened. My mum is sick, has cancer." Gavin choked on the words, "She has stage two brain cancer, I can't remember which one right now. She can't work and my dad has to care for her during the day, the days she’s not in the hospital. Meaning, neither of them are working. They need my brother and I to come care for her so my father can go back to work and they can stay afloat. They've had a history of getting behind on bills before and it's just bound to happen again. I don't want to leave, Michael. I just have to, for my family."

Michael could barely breathe. It was as if the air turned to syrup. "Gavin, no."

"I'm so sorry, Michael. I mean, I _should_ be back in time for the semester after, next fall. My mum has a decent-ish chance of making it, it's just more long term than I was expecting. My dad told my brother and me this from the get-go, that if she became sick we would help. I foolishly said yeah because I never thought it would actually happen."

Michael was a hybrid of upset and furious. He knew the reasons, and he empathized with having a relative with cancer. The anger set in just after. 

"You had to tell me today?" Michael's words cut like broken glass. "Today, of all days? The day after fucking Christmas, my first fucking T day?"

"Michael, you walked in on me crying, what else was I supposed to say? 'Oh no, nothing's wrong. My face is just wet since I stuck my head out the window!' You even saw me vomit last night. It's not something I could hide forever. I figured it would be, I don't know, fucking nice enough to let you know so we could spend the time together."

Michael got up and stormed into the bathroom to get away. He was heaving this time, nearly passing out in on the tiled floor. He splashed water on his face to stay with it, but it was barely working. His body was shaking like an earthquake and tears zigzagged down his face. 

Gavin knocked on the door and entered to see the mess that was his boyfriend. Michael scowled at him but still rushed into his arms. 

"Don't fucking leave me," Michael begged.

"Hey, I've done long distance before. We can make it work," Gavin whispered. "We have Skype. We have our phones. We have vacations. We can do it. We can absolutely do it."

Michael excused himself to shower so he could attempt feeling normal again. Gavin fetched him a fresh pair of clothes and left him be. 

Michael spent the time in the shower punching the walls, bruising his knuckles and letting the water wash away the pain. He was suddenly exhausted, both from his day at the doctors and the shock of his future. Michael gave his hair a quick wash and left the shower to wrap up his scabbing hands.

Meanwhile, Gavin was staring at his plane ticket, one way from New York to London. "This is so fucked up," he muttered to the paper. He would pin it to the wall of his part of the closet so Michael wouldn't have to look at it, but also so he wouldn’t lose it. As he stuck it up, Michael came back out, dripping wet in pajamas. Gavin noticed his hands and the depressed look on his face.

Michael stepped forward and hugged Gavin again, careful not to get any of his injury on the other. Gavin ran his hands through Michael's damp hair and lightly scratched his head. Michael, despite how angry he was, lightly purred at the motion. 

"When are you leaving?" Michael asked. 

Gavin waited a moment before saying two weeks. 

"Oh...well, hey, we get New Years! And sometime after that. Hey, that's not horrible. It could be worse. Like you could be leaving tomorrow or something"

Gavin smiled at Michael and offered to make him a snack to make him feel better. They snuggled together on the couch with their cup o' noodles and let the time tick away. Michael picked at the food, sometimes being sneaky and slipping some into Gavin's cup when he wasn’t looking, just to get him to smile. They were together, so there's no way the could regret just sitting. They watched their favorite movie before tucking themselves in and falling asleep. Gavin had his arm just under Michael's back and Michael held Gavin like a teddy bear. Their night morphed from bitter to cozy as they drifted into sleep.

Waking up wasn't going to be any bit of fun, but that was an issue they would face in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And boom goes the dynamite. (Get it? Team Nice Dynamite?)
> 
> I told myself when I first started writing this story to not make it really sad. But, then again, the first time I saw Michael and Gavin in the BTS Slender video, I said "they're cute! but not as a couple..." _and here we are._
> 
> Also sorry about how short this chapter is...I didn't really know how to add anything to it, but next week will be better!! The cute will return.
> 
> Thank you for the comments this week!! Also the kudos, it's all extremely heartwarming. Everything is welcomed, don't be shy.
> 
> Thanks to the IRL crew once again, you kids kick ass
> 
> Twitter - @michaeldetuzi  
> Tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	16. hold the night for ransom as we kidnap the memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Cowboy Boots by Macklemore
> 
> I added new tags to this story to give forewarning so please be cautious as you proceed

Michael woke Gavin up extremely early one morning. Gavin groaned and rolled under the blankets, but Michael just tore it off of him. 

"What on Earth could be this important?" Gavin grumbled. 

"It snowed last night, come on, let's play in it," Michael said, looking for a hat to protect his hair.

"It's not even 7 in the morning!"

"Precisely! It's all barren and pretty. Let's go fuck it up."

Gavin peered out the window to see the sun shining over the white land. The reflection made the world illuminate and everything stood still. He rolled out of bed and found some thermals to wear outside. The two bounced down the stairs and into the frozen land.

Michael fell backwards into the snow and made a snow angel, moving his arms and legs with ease. Gavin went right next to him, a little too close, though, since their hands would bump into each other. They stood to see the two forms look like they were holding hands. Gavin snapped a picture and went to post it online as a memory of how Michael woke him up early. 

As he was focused on his phone, he found himself covered in snow again from a snowball. Gavin shoved the phone in his pocket and chased his boyfriend around, trying to get payback for the surprise. They ran until they could barely breathe before settling to rest under a tree. 

In the distance, they heard the compression of snow as people walked past. Gavin and Michael stood to see where the swarm was headed, and after following the herd, they ended up near their school's center. A kid with an acoustic guitar was supposedly going to play in the snow, gathering enough attention for a small concert. The kid brushed off a bench and sat down, tuning his guitar as kids squatted around. Gavin and Michael stood in the back, watching.

"Now, I haven't really played in a while, but I refuse to let you kids down," the musician started to say. 

"If you start playing Wonderwall, leave now," Michael called. Gavin was astounded by Michael, but he just continued. "No one needs an acoustic version of that _again_ "

"Hey, fuck you, buddy!" the kid yelled back. 

"Oh, come on, don’t lie and say you were going to play something else."

"Wonderwall was going to be right after my first song, you tool!"

The kid stormed off in a fit, leaving the other concert goers to look at Michael in shock. Before long, though, they applauded him. 

"Thanks for saving us," they told him as they disbanded. Michael smiled and nodded, incredibly proud of himself. Gavin laughed and asked how he knew it was going to happen. 

"It's the one song every guitar player knows how to play. It's cheesy and dumb," Michael explained. "Learn a different love song, for fuck's sake."

The two of them headed back to their dorm, to combat the cold and exchange their favorite love songs as the topic was alive.

\---

"Michael! Open the door! My hands are full!"

Michael got the door open to see Ryan, arms full of cans and a few bags. 

"Y'all ready for the New Year?" Ryan asked, face full of excitement. 

"You bet. I mean, it's not to say that this year was bad or anything. It was pretty good, but it can only go up, right?" Michael answered, looking at Gavin with remorseful eyes. Gavin swallowed hard and nodded.

"Hang on, Michael you look a bit cold," Gavin said, escaping into the room for a moment while Michael unpacked Ryan's bags of food. He came back out with his famous red hoodie, the same one he wore the night they met. "Here, put this on. You're shivering." Michael didn't even realize he was shaking. Gavin helped him slip his arms inside, letting the dampened cloth wrap his arms. 

"Thank you, love." Michael smiled and gave Gavin a quick peck on the cheek. Ryan was stealthy yet again, whipping his phone out quick enough to get the moment Michael's lips landed on the skin. The three of them flicked on the New York New Year's Eve show, the ever so famous event that attracted millions to the small space in Manhattan. 

"I went one year and nearly died. Michael, remember?" Ryan said, looking to his cola-sipping friend. 

"You betcha. I remember the second you came home I came over to make sure you were alright, you prick."

"What happened?"

"Let's just say they don't restrict alcohol. At least not where I was standing," Ryan answered, shivering in the memory. "At least New York isn't all bad."

"Alright, let's do a classic. Favorite moment of the year?" Michael asked his friends. They both pondered for a moment before overlapping their words.

"Graduating high school, coming here, meeting Jack, meeting Gavin, watching you two get close," Ryan said.

"Coming here, meeting both of you, starting to date one of you, kissing one of you, and absolutely yelling one random night to meet you," Gavin answered. "Oh, that and top surgery!"

Michael’s heart melted at the sound of Gavin placing him before his own transition. "Mine's graduating high school, coming here, meeting Gavin, starting to date Gavin, kissing Gavin, and passing my finals. Along with my name change and starting T." Michael's eyes were brimming with happy tears.

As time ticked away, midnight grew closer and closer. Ryan strategically stood back, waiting for the moment where the couple lip-locked again. His plan was unfolding smoothly. 

"10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-!"

As one struck and rang in the New Year, Michael pulled Gavin down into a kiss showcased by stars. The light twinkled behind their eyes and sent them galaxies away. Gavin wrapped his arms around his own hoodie and the man bundled inside it. Michael's hands tucked under Gavin's shirt, slightly warming his hands against the other's back. When Michael pulled apart, his eyes overflowed and Gavin was quick to kiss the emotions. Michael absentmindedly played with the hoodie strings as Gavin continued holding him, reluctant to pull away. Ryan’s phone captured the whole moment; "God bless this camera and its burst feature" he thought.

They welcomed the new year with some more snacks and watching their favorite show, the one they all grew up with, to ensure a positive, wonderful start to the year. Trying something new, they said, was too risky. It was a time for them to be in a mountain of blankets and hearing other people party the night away. 

They were far too interested in each other to care about the others, there was more time for that later.

\---

"Hey Gav, you busy later?"

Gavin just laughed at the response. "Where on Earth would I go?"

Michael cringed but understood the message. "Ryan's around and brought sleds from his parents' place. Wanna sled?"

Gavin agreed and they bundled up to play in the snow once again. They took the walk to Ryan's hand in hand, talking about winter. They both loved the season to pieces, but agreed some parts of it could change. 

"I mean, it doesn't have to be _so_ cold," Michael argued. "Just below freezing is par. But like -10? -5? That's where the bullshit lies."

"I like the temperature drop, I just wish I could find nicer clothing to wear. I hate wearing the same dark, damp clothes all season."

"But wouldn't you do the same in the summer?"

"Well yeah, but then I'm wearing bright, brand tee shirts. I wish the same brands I wear made jackets, too."

Their words flew into the air as they arrived to Ryan's. Ryan let them in to warm up before heading right back outside. Ryan showed him the model he had, which was just a circle piece of plastic. 

"Once I slid down an icy hill on one of these. I flew off a bump and soared through the air because of this baby. Michael, you remember?"

"Oh yeah! You were at least 10 feet in the air! You stayed there for a while too, I remember you screaming 'I'm still in the air!' But then, you had that nasty ass landing."

"Nearly broke my tailbone. Lesson learned: it's okay to bail."

Gavin giggled at the idea of Ryan flying while they walked to the back of the building. It wasn't a grand hill, but it would serve for some quality racing. 

Michael, Ryan, and Gavin got into a semi-straight line, someone screamed "go!" and they slid down the snowy trail. Gavin screamed as if he were going to ram into a tree, but it just make Michael cackle. Ryan made it down the quickest, followed by Michael and finally Gavin. 

"That was wild!" Gavin screamed, falling out of his sled and into the snow face first. Michael started to cover Gavin in the snow, silently, before Gavin sat up and scowled at him. Michael's retaliation was merely his tongue poking at Gavin and then sprinting back up the hill to go again. They spent hours doing the same routine: Ryan winning, Michael screaming with laughter as Gavin tried his best to slide down like the rest. More often than not, he would either spin out, almost hit something, or a mix of the two. Each time was as if it were new to Michael, so it always struck a funny bone. Before long, Michael was exhausting himself from the exercise. His walk up the hill was taking longer and longer and, the last time, he fell into the snow as he got to the top.

“You all done?” Gavin asked, kneeling down into the slush. “Too sleepy?”

MIchael simply nodded, resulting in his hat falling off his head. Gavin helped him to his feet and picked up the cloth as they went back inside Ryan’s to get warm. The second Michael hit the couch inside, he was out like a light. 

“He always wears himself out,” Ryan said, pouring Gavin a mug of hot water for cocoa. “He would of this all the time back home.”

“That’s oddly precious,” Gavin smiled, sipping his drink. The two stood around, letting their eyes dance around the elephant in the room. Ryan had to shatter the silence.

“He told me you’re leaving?”

Gavin turned to see Ryan looking sad, something he hadn’t seen before. His eyebrows were furrowed and it looked as if his heart was on display, slightly pricked. 

“My mum has cancer and needs her kids back to look after and provide. My brother is going back, too.”

“He’s destroyed over it,” Ryan commented, not looking up from his cup. “I mean, he knows that you’re doing what you must, but he’s devastated. He just doesn’t really want to display it. But, like, he’s starting to have memory lapses and other stuff.” 

Gavin looked at his sleeping boyfriend and noticed that his eyelids looked far darker than he remembered. In his slumber, though, it was as if nothing had happened, and everything was going to be fine.

“I wish I didn’t have to go. I’m gonna try and come back for spring break,” Gavin explained. 

“You’re a great kid, Gavin,” Ryan said, patting his shoulder. “Just don’t break his fucking heart or I’ll swim across the Atlantic myself.”

Gavin held his mug up in agreement and they talked more about their future plans until Michael started to stir. Ryan went over and just talked him back to sleep, insisting he stayed there for the evening. Michael lightly nodded in agreement, curling up and drifting right back to where he was. 

Ryan offered to give Gavin a ride back to his dorm, so he left Michael with the security of a heated apartment. He and Gavin got in the car and Ryan let him in on a secret.

"Michael's gonna act all tough and shit, but there's going to come a day where he comes over to my apartment or beg for me to come over to cope with you gone." Gavin tried interjecting, but Ryan held his hand up to stop him. "I've seen it before, trust me. Point is, I've been getting photos of you two together, happy and joyous and all that cuteness."

Gavin couldn't help but blush at the secret action. Ryan continued as they turned onto the campus road.

"What I was thinking is that you could give me the word, like if you two are talking one night and he's flipping shit, that you send me a text, I can go over there and leave him a photo album. As if it appeared from nowhere, does that make sense?" Ryan asked, suddenly confused by his own words.

"Kind of. As if it were coincidence?" Gavin clarified. 

"Yeah, like you two were talking then out of nowhere a surprise little photo book landed on his front step, to cheer him up, that sort of thing,” Ryan clarified. "You in?"

"That sounds top, Rye. I'm in."

The two shook on it as Gavin got out of the car. 

"Thanks for being helpful. It means a lot now and it'll mean even more in a few weeks," Gavin said as he shut the car door. 

Ryan smiled as he drove back to his apartment. He opened the door to see Michael moving a bit in his sleep, as if he were reaching for something. Ryan coaxed him awake and walked him to his bed so he could be more comfortable, but Michael was too asleep to understand.

"Where am I?" Michael slurred, leaning on Ryan like a dead weight. "Where's Gavin? Did he leave?" The thought violently woke him and brought him into reality far too quickly. 

"No, no, no, I just brought him back to your dorm, Michael," Ryan quickly explained, trying to calm his friend back down. "He's still here, he didn't leave yet."

Michael went from confused to angry in the matter of seconds. He began shaking in venom as Ryan got him back in bed. 

"I don't want him to go, Ryan." Michael pouted.

"I know, Michael. I don't want him to go, either. Go back to sleep, though. You're way too overtired."

"It's not fair. I finally find someone who's really super accepting besides you and, what happens? They're taken away from me. It's not fucking fair."

"Hey, I know. But you have to remember why he's doing it. It's not like he has much of another choice."

Michael frowned as he let his head hit the pillow. "I wish I could go in his place so he didn't have to deal with that kind of pain. It's really hard seeing someone you love with cancer."

"I know, Mikey. I remember you and your uncle, don't think I forgot that. But hey! He got better, and maybe Gavin's mom will get better, too. Just go back to sleep, or else you'll feel a hundred times worse."

Michael was already back asleep before he heard Ryan finish his sentence; a few days of too little sleep finally caught up with him. Ryan tucked him in before heading into his living room to relax for a few moments. It gave him a chance to text Jack, in order to set up their next date.

\---

Michael, Ryan and Gavin took the drive to New York, with a car full of Gavin's clothing. It was the day of Gavin's flight back home, back to help his ill mother. 

Ryan was the source of conversation for both Michael and Gavin were too upset to do much of anything. The last time they spoke was earlier that morning, before loading up the car. 

~

"Come with me," Michael offered. It was early, just before sunrise, and he held a thermos full of steaming hot water and a tea bag. Gavin looked up from his suitcase with curiosity. 

"It's almost sunrise. C'mon." Michael took Gavin's hand and led him down to the pond, a short walk away. The sun was just about to peer from over the small mountaintops. Michael curled up on the chilly, damp grass and insisted for Gavin to join him. 

Gavin sat as Michael cracked open the thermos, beginning to make the tea. He sipped it and passed it to Gavin, nearly treating it as a bottle of whiskey. Instead, the leaf water would be the warmth inside their veins, along with the heat from one another. The colors began to erupt in the winter sky, oranges blending with reds and pinks. Michael wrapped his arms around one of Gavin's, resting his cheek against his fluffy coat. 

"Call me as soon as you land," Michael whispered, taking another sip of tea. 

"Of course I will."

"And Skype me soon, too. I'm gonna miss your dumb face."

"Only if you promise to answer."

Gavin tipped Michael's chin up to give him a spearmint flavored kiss, letting their mouths move in sync for one of the last times, for the while, at least. Michael brushed away a few arbitrary tears, trying to keep himself composed during what he intended to be a happy moment. 

"Hey, why did the picture go to jail?" Gavin asked. 

"Huh? Is this one of your stupid jokes?" 

"Just go with it!"

"Fine! Why did the picture go to jail?"

"Because it was framed, motherfucker!"

Michael shook his head and tussled Gavin's hair. Gavin explained his secret of taking kids jokes and simply adding "motherfucker" to the end to make them seem more dramatic. Michael teasingly pushed him over, laughing before speaking.

"You're so dumb Gavin, that's why I think you're tippy top."

~

Back in the car, they both thought about how happy they found themselves in that prelude to misery. Ryan had parked the car in the airport, informing them that Gavin had just a few minutes before being considered late. 

Michael got out of the front seat and walked back to Gavin. He took Gavin’s hand in his own as Gavin pulled his bags from the trunk. Gavin paused to hug Michael, before insisting he had to go.

“No.” 

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Gavin said, placing feather kisses on Michael’s hair. “Now, go have a nice day hanging out with Ryan in the city, okay?”

Michael bobbed his head up and down and locked himself against Gavin. Gavin frowned, begging himself not to tear up yet. “Michael…”

Michael pulled back, choking on the words he tried to say. Gavin leaned into a goodbye kiss, then pulled away and walked towards the glass doors. 

“Call me when you land, fucker!” Michael said, taking his glasses off to get the mist away from his eyes. 

“Anything for you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed it in the chapter, but I changed the severity of Gavin's mother's illness. It went from stage three to stage two, to keep you informed.
> 
> Thanks for a hearty round of comments and kudos this week, it's always appreciated. Thanks to those who've been supporting me on this hella journey
> 
> Also thanks because chapter 15 had the most amount of hits for any one chapter <3
> 
> I changed my Twitter handle so it's listed here correctly
> 
> Twitter - @michael_kyan  
> Tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	17. if i could be with you tonight i would sing you to sleep [never let them take the light behind your eyes]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - The Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance

Michael walked into his dorm, his own dorm, after the first day of the new semester. He wore jeans to give off a "professional" appearance, along with a baggier tee shirt and a particular red hoodie. He threw his bag down and let himself sink into the couch. He had only seen two classes, but he knew it was going to be a rough few months. Not only was his boyfriend over an entire ocean away, but his memory lapsed him in another Chinese class, akin to before. 

Michael checked his wristwatch - set to what Ryan teasingly called "Gavin time" - and booted his laptop open. Michael clicked Gavin's icon on Skype and watched it bubble open. Before long, Gavin appeared on the screen.

"Hey love," Gavin said. Michael had talked to him just the night before but it felt as if he hadn't heard his voice in a decade. 

"Come back," Michael begged. His eyes were like sleeping bags and his body felt numb. He knew exactly how silly it was to invest so much into this, but he didn't have any other favorable option.

"Don't worry. You'll see me soon," Gavin chucked. "How were your classes today?"

"Dumb. I messed up basic vocabulary again. My memory is lapsing," Michael confessed. Gavin shook his head in disgust, nearly scolding the younger man. He didn’t want to believe Ryan when he talked about Michael’s memory, but now it was in plain sight.

"Michael, this isn't the end of the world. You're fine," Gavin insisted. "Go get a bottle of water."

"Gav-"

"Do it, Michael."

Shocked at Gavin's suddenly serious nature, Michael looked around and found a water bottle under the couch. He shook it in front of the camera to show the other.

"Crack it open and chug it.”

"Oh, come on!"

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Gavin held his fists like a cheerleader. Michael smirked and took the water down in a few big gulps. 

"Yay!!" Gavin cheered. Michael blew him a kiss and they talked about how everything was settling down. Gavin's mother had her treatment in full swing, leaving Gavin and his brother home bound often. They would sleep in shifts in case anything bad happened, and they would trade off running errands. Michael talked about how Ryan spent a lot more time with his boyfriend than before, so Michael felt especially alone.

"I mean, he's glowing, like he's so stoked to have him. I'm just being selfish." Michael sighed. "I'm sorry."

Gavin waved him off. "You should check your closet."

"My closet?" 

Michael only used it for clothing, and it was a quick job since most of it was empty at this point. It pained him to see Gavin's side barren. He just slid it open, grabbed what was likely to be one of Gavin's shirts he left behind, and shut it.

"Check the top rack on my side."

Michael stood reluctantly and went into the other room. He reached up and his fingers landed on an unknown box. Intrigued, he pulled it down and brought it back to the Skype call.

"Gavin, what is this?"

"Open it up!"

Michael opened the lid to find shiny roses. He picked one up, displaying it in front of the computer.

"Gavin, what is all this?"

"I made them. Duct tape is some magical stuff, Michael."

He sorted through them all. Each rose was red while the stems varied in style. Some were green, others were blue, one was even rainbow. Michael noticed each had a date on them, too.

"There's one for each day we dated, in America, at least!" Gavin said.

"Gavin, there's so many!" Michael exclaimed, feeling the spark in his heart again. 

"42, just for you. I'll make more when I come back,' Gavin promised.

Michael blew him another kiss before signing off to decorate the walls with Gavin's love.

\---

A couple days later, Michael was struggling yet again. The first week of classes had ended, so Michael knew everything he had to do in order to stay on top of his work, yet nothing was interesting. Michael started to just lay around, blowing off his assignments, even beginning to forget simple tasks, like eating and showering. That’s what he told himself, anyhow.

He was fooling around online one evening when Gavin called him on Skype again. Michael answered and went off.

"Gavin, this is fucking bullshit. Nothing is interesting and Ryan has a boyfriend that lives nearby and I don't this isn't fair how come your brother couldn't just go you need to be here you need to keep learning theater and practicing Chinese with me and drinking tea here not in Europe please come home the bed is so cold-"

"I love you."

Michael froze with his mouth agape. "I-you, what?"

Gavin pulled an acoustic guitar from seemingly nowhere and tuned it a bit before playing a song. "I learned this for you. Hit record so you'll have it."

He started playing a very slow, very emotional song from a band that wasn’t around anymore. The band used to play heavy, sad songs, but one of their last released was a lighter one.

_So long to all my friends,_  
 _everyone of them met tragic ends_  
 _With every passing day_  
 _I'd be lying if I didn't say_  
 _That I miss them all tonight_  
 _And if they only knew what I would say_

_If I could be with you tonight_  
 _I would sing you to sleep_  
 _Never let them take the light behind your eyes_  
 _One day I'll lose this fight_  
 _As we fade in the dark_  
 _Just remember you will always burn as bright_

_Be strong and hold my hand_  
 _Time- it comes for us, you'll understand_  
 _We'll say goodbye today_  
 _And I'm sorry how it ends this way_  
 _If you promise not to cry_  
 _Then I’ll tell you just what I would say_

_If I could be with you tonight_  
 _I would sing you to sleep_  
 _Never let them take the light behind your eyes_  
 _I fail and lose this fight_  
 _Never fade in the dark_  
 _Just remember you will always burn as bright_

_The light behind your eyes_  
 _The light behind your -_

_Sometimes we must_  
 _Grow stronger and_  
 _You can be stronger when I’m gone_  
 _When I'm here no longer_  
 _You must be stronger and_

_If I could be with you tonight_  
 _I would sing you to sleep_  
 _Never let them take the light behind your eyes_  
 _I failed and lost this fight_  
 _Never fade in the dark_  
 _Just remember you will always burn as bright_

_The light behind your eyes_  
 _The light behind your eyes_

Michael never expected for Gavin's squeaky voice to be anywhere near capable of singing. And he was right - it was off key and cracked the whole time but in Michael's ears it was the sweetest melody he had ever heard. With the addition of Gavin actually strumming a guitar all by himself was a step he didn't expect either.

"I've had some free time, so this is the best I could do to keeping you safe. I didn't stutter when I said that I love you. Because, Michael Vincent Jones, I fuckin' love you."

Michael was speechless, something he wasn't too often. His smile returned to his face and for the first time, he wanted to hang up to hear the audio again.

"I love you too, Gavin. Oh fuck, I really fuckin' love you," Michael's voice finally came back. "You're the best thing to ever to happen to me."

Gavin's face flushed with the cutest pink Michael had ever seen. "So, do you have any requests"?

"Oh please, do what you want, you idiot. Everything will be great from you,' Michael couldn't help complimenting every aspect of Gavin.

Gavin had to go to run errands, so he left Michael with the audio of his awkward singing voice and decent guitar playing. Michael saved it to his desktop and labeled it "thedumbbritilove.mp3" so he could have quick access. It become a lullaby, something to listen to through headphones in class, lounging around the house music, it became music for anytime. It helped Michael countdown the days until the end of the semester, not only for academic rest but also for Gavin's return. 

He finally couldn't wait to see what the future held for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is the same as the chapter title lol sorry that most of the text in this chapter belongs to MCR 
> 
> I'm really sleepy because of waking up for Black Friday deals and I almost forgot that today was Friday (despite it being Black _Friday_ ) But here it is, chapter 17
> 
> Seeing as American Thanksgiving was yesterday, I'm here to say how thankful I am to each and everyone of you who sees this, your support for this story makes it all worthwhile; if I didn't have the love and gratitude I probably would've left it behind in August. But here we are now, in late November! Thank you for all the hits, kudos and comments that makes the story whole. <3
> 
> My twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick
> 
> Also if you go to my page I wrote a Thanksgiving Freewood one shot for anyone who hasn't seen it yet! It's cute :D


	18. red alert is the color of your paper valentines intertwined on this moment passing by

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Cigarettes and Valentines by Green Day

"Uhh...is it 电视?"

"Damnit, Gavin. If you're going to keep going with this language, you need to know this kind of shit. It's not even like obscure words, this is current shit. Try it again, _email_ "

"电邮?"

"That's my boy," Michael smiled, flipping the paper over to keep going. When Michael called Gavin these days, they often practiced language to keep Gavin sharp. Michael swears he could hear the gears turning in Gavin's head through the screen, and sometimes jokes he could smell the smoke, too. 

"Hey, Valentine's Day is in a few days," Gavin brought up, looking at Michael with eager eyes. "Any ideas?"

"Hey, you're the one who's done this before," Michael calls out. "I have nothing and you know it."

"Well, I do have a little surprise on my end, but do you want to watch something? Eat something? Be wild and adventurous and watch something _while_ eating?" 

Michael just giggled at Gavin's stupidity; it was something that got him through the day. Often, in class, he would silently chuckle at something Gavin said the night before, causing a small ruckus in the back of the lecture hall. He would "complain" to Gavin, which was his own silly code for "keep it up".

"Nah, let's just watch something. What to watch? We've seen nearly everything under the sun," Michael compained.

“Hit random on Wikipedia and we’ll find something related,” Gavin told the other. Michael opened the classic website and did such; located and clicked “random”

“I got ‘Rising Step Load Testing’,” Michael said. “It sounds engineer-y Think there’d be a show about it?”

“It sounds boring as shit. Try again.”  
After wading through Solomon King, transmissibility (which they burst out giggling over), and a few other irregular articles, they reconsidered their plans once they came across Putting on the Ritz. With the gay themes in the book, they agreed to find copies and read to each other over the Internet. 

Michael spent the next few days practicing ridiculous voices for the characters, ready to tackle their lines of dialogue. Ryan helped him with his changing vocal cords, for he was approaching two full months on testosterone. Michael’s mindset was on getting Gavin to smile for as long as possible. Stress marks were beginning to crease his skin from taking care of his home. He would insist he’s fine, but when Michael was Skyping at 10 at night, it meant Gavin was up close to his morning. Gavin often texted in classes, making Michael smile when he himself was in a hospital waiting room. If Michael sent him a comic, he would have to make sure his volume was muted to avoid waking his sleeping mother. He would profusely apologize if he missed a phone call due to running an errand, but Michael never minded. It was impossible for him to, since he saw Gavin outside of acting like a teenager to this sudden, paternal-like mode. 

Michael _thoroughly_ enjoyed it.

\---

"We should be fluffier."

Gavin looked up from his bowl of food and cocked his head at the screen. "What do you mean?"

"Like, we're already cute as fuck, I mean, Ryan fucking coos over us. But like...fluff, y'know?"

Gavin shook his head yes and went back to eating as Michael read a book. Some nights were like that, where they would be online together but still doing their own thing, like normal. Sometimes they filled the static with words, but other times, they let the silence fill the void. 

\---

Gavin called at such an obscure hour that Michael was worried his computer glitched. He rolled over in bed and hazily pressed the green button, illuminating Gavin into the night.

"It's 3 in the morning, asshole. And I have an early fucking class," Michael complained. 

"Oh. Well, remember when you told me we should be fluffier?"

Michael shook his head yes.

"Then have I got the surprise for you."

Gavin stepped out of the line of vision and slipped something on his body. Michael couldn't process what was happening, but it struck him as sexual and he was extremely worried Gavin didn't get the message.

"Dude what the hell I might be demi but I don't feel that way towards yo-"

He was right when Gavin didn't understand the message.

Gavin was in an adult onesie, the kind of pajamas that have the feet in them. It was a pastel pink color with a white tummy and floppy ears sticking out of his head. If he turned around, a puppy white tail would be right next to his tailbone.

"Oh believe me, I don't feel that way towards you either. Surprise fluff, though!" Gavin cheered. It somehow didn't fit him all the way, so his hands were still covered by the sleeves as he threw them up in joy.

"What even is this?" Michael was awake by this point, both confused and in pre shock at how _cute_ he saw Gavin to be. 

"You said fluffier, right? This is the fluffiest thing I found!" Gavin answered. "It's so cozy, too. You would never be cold if you were hugging me in this."

"I meant fluffier in the way we act with each other, you dumbass."

Gavin’s shoulders fell but Michael blew him a kiss regardless. "You look absolutely precious."

He took a few photos of Gavin posing in poses that only made him burst out laughing. In the darkness of his bedroom, the light that came off the screen was the only thing that could make out the loneliness in the area. Yet, it made Michael smile like the would would never end. He stayed up, talking to his bunny boyfriend, telling each other what they meant to the other.

"If I had a coin for every time I thought of you, I would have _so many coins_ "

"Oh please, if I had a penny for every time I thought of you, I would be a billionaire."

"If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, the world would drown in flowers."

"If I had a hug for every time I thought of you, I would be swimming to see you to cling onto you."

"If I had a kiss for every time I thought of you, my lips would be so sore yet so happy."

"If I had a donut for every time I thought of you, I would open a bakery called 'Gavin's a Donut'"

Gavin fell out of his chair laughing on the last one, having his ears flop behind the costume as he went down, they sprung back up once he hopped back in the chair, as he wiped the tears away. "I'm gonna remember that one, especially."

"Good, I'm proud of it."

Later on, in Michael morning class, despite slumping over often and sucking of coffee trying to stay awake, he would look at the photos he took and absolutely melt. 

\---

Michael walked through the campus lunch area, packed from cafeteria to ceiling it seemed, as he waded through the lines. Ryan was going to meet him for lunch, but Michael couldn’t be bothered to find a place inside to eat. He carried his Vitamin Water to a seat outside, and slowly sipped on it as he waited. He sent a quick text to his friend to let him know where he was when a familiar face strolled past.

“Hello, Michael!”

“Oh, hey, Dr. Ramsey. How is everything?” Michael invited him to sit out of instinct, but the professor declined.

“Oh, no thanks. You’re sitting outside, it’s...weird. Anyways, I just wanted to check in on you, see how your semester was headed thus far.” He paused to admire his moustache, which had grown some since the last time Michael had seen him.

“Yeah, it’s alright. My roommate left so I’m alone but besides that,” Michael confessed. “Classes are fine, I mean.”

“Oh shit, oh fuck!” Dr. Ramsey said, swearing as he caught himself swearing. “Sorry, I‘m not meant to be swearing and all that.”

“I mean, it’s okay with me,” Michael told him. “Feel free, Dr. Ramsey.”

“Fuck that, call me Geoff.”

Michael smirked and Geoff ended up sitting down for the moment. Michael told him how close he and his roommate had become, unintentionally pulling at the older man’s heartstrings. 

Michael didn't really recognize that this man _could_ have heartstrings until he spoke again.

"Well, I mean, if you need help with really much of anything, please remember my office hours. They haven't changed. I'll help you out anytime, Michael. Just because I don’t teach you anymore doesn’t mean that I won’t help."

Michael nodded and gave his thanks just as Ryan was walking towards the table. He was with another man with facial hair glued to his side.

"See? I told you he'd be here. Jack, this is Michael. Michael, this is Jack. He didn't believe me when I said you'd be sitting outside. He may or may not have judged you super hard."

Jack and Michael shook hands as Geoff took a second look at the young professor. It took him a few seconds, but then he made out the face behind the beard. Jack did the same, finally seeing a teenager behind the ‘stache.

"Dude, since when have you been working here?!" Geoff exclaimed, giving the other man a bear hug.

"I started last semester!" Jack replied, astonished to see an old friend. "Ryan, Michael, we went to high school together."

"We started that absolutely horrible video game club, remember?" Geoff asked, having Jack shake his head “yes” in a giggle fit. "Fuckin' Achievement Hunter!"

“Man, I can’t believe how busy I’ve been to not contact you, I’m so sorry!” Jack apologized. “We suck at being best friends sometimes.”

Geoff nodded in agreement, but they picked up as if there was never a break. Michael and Ryan watched the two seemingly strict teacher joke around and act as if they were still 18 years old in their hearts. 

The four of them sat around, exchanging favorite high school stories like they used to, except with two new friends and another overseas. Michael took in each word to retell later that night when Gavin would give him a call. Jack told stories of how Geoff would sleep in nearly every class, and still somehow managed to pass and graduate.

"The teachers said they had _never_ seen someone sleep so much and still get the hell out," Jack explained, having Ryan roar with laughter. Michael finally saw what Ryan saw in Jack - a compassionate young man who could still joke like a freshman. Ryan would occasionally slip his fingers between Jack's, having the other squeeze his hands with love. Despite the fun they had as a group, Michael still longed to feel Gavin’s hand tied around his again. 

\---

On Valentines Day, in England, Gavin set up his room with what appeared to be hundreds of white, red, and pink candles. He lit each and every one of them, letting the glow be the only thing lighting the room. He set his laptop on a long, tan coffee table and had his trusted guitar nearby. He tuned the strings while waiting for his love in the United States. 

Michael got slightly dressed up as he fetched his plate of food from the microwave. He set down the plate in front of the laptop, just in front of the couch. He straightened his blue tie a bit before logging in and calling his boyfriend. 

When he answered, Michael was breathless.

The sight of Gavin surrounded by the soft light, watching his fingers dance over the strings was beautiful to him.

"Gavin, what is all this?" Michael squeaked, covering his mouth with his hands. 

"Just for you," Gavin answered, bubbling in anticipation. He stepped up for a moment to adjust the screen so Michael could have the best view of the room. More candles came into Michael vision as the screen jerked. Gavin had dressed up just a touch as well, wearing a bright pink tie on a blue shirt. Unfortunately for Gavin, that tie caught a touch too close to the candle.

"Gavin! For fuck's sake!"

Gavin's tie caught flame and landed on his pants, just where his crotch was. He began screaming, nearly punching himself to try and get the fire to stop.

"Stop drop and roll, you fucking idiot!"

Gavin ran out of the room, and ten minutes later reemerged with his guitar, a book, and a pair of sweatpants. He was out of breath, and as they ate, Michael scolded him for being so dangerous. 

"You could've, like, burned your hands or something, like something that I actually use, not your worthless crotch,” he joked, trying to cheer up the frightened Gavin. Gavin smiled and drank his water, trying to cool down from the excitement. They ate and talked like any other time, with Michael sharing stories about how he became friends with two professors, one of them being Ryan's boyfriend. Gavin chucked and said how excited he was to eventually come back and meet them. Michael's heart burst into flames itself with the joyous emotion Gavin gave him. 

"Hey, I have another song for you, interested?" Gavin offered, eyeing his guitar. Michael nodded, his mouth full of cheap college food, and Gavin whipped the guitar out to serenade the love of his life. 

“It’s a really cheesy country song, so prepare yourself,” Gavin preluded, having Michael shake his head with excitement. 

_You're better than the best_  
I'm lucky just to linger in your light  
Cooler than the flip-side of my pillow (that's right)  
Completely unaware  
Nothing can compare to where you send me  
It lets me know that it's okay (yeah, it's okay)  
And the moments when my good times start to fade 

_You make me smile like the sun,_  
Fall outta bed  
Sing like a bird,  
Dizzy in my head  
Spin like a record,  
Crazy on a Sunday night  
You make me dance like a fool,  
Forget how to breathe  
Shine like gold,  
Buzz like a bee  
Just the thought of you can drive me wild  
Oh, you make me smile 

_Even when you're gone_  
Somehow you come along  
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack  
And just like that  
You steal away the rain  
And just like that 

_You make me smile like the sun,_  
Fall outta bed  
Sing like a bird,  
Dizzy in my head  
Spin like a record,  
Crazy on a Sunday night  
You make me dance like a fool,  
Forget how to breathe  
Shine like gold,  
Buzz like a bee  
Just the thought of you can drive me wild  
Oh, you make me smile 

_Don't know how I lived without you_  
'Cause every time that I get around you  
I see the best of me inside your eyes  
You make me smile 

_You make me dance like a fool,_  
Forget how to breathe  
Shine like gold,  
Buzz like a bee  
Just the thought of you can drive me wild  
Oh, you make me smile 

_You make me smile like the sun,_  
Fall outta bed  
Sing like a bird,  
Dizzy in my head  
Spin like a record,  
Crazy on a Sunday night  
You make me dance like a fool,  
Forget how to breathe  
Shine like gold,  
Buzz like a bee  
Just the thought of you can drive me wild  
Oh, you make me smile 

_(Oh, you make me smile)_  
Oh, you make me smile  
(Oh, you make me smile)  
Oh, you make me smile 

Gavin looked up from his guitar to see Michael’s hands pressed against the screen. He returned the gesture, aching to be there with him on such a special holiday. 

“I love you, Michael.”

“I love you, too, Gavin. Thanks for being my shooting star.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so it's the 18th chapter and today is also my friend's 18th birthday so this is dedicated to you I love you hella Sophie <33333
> 
> Thanks for comments and kudos! Get ready for next week, it's a big one
> 
> If the formatting is off, I'm sorry I'm not home rn so I can't exactly edit formatting :(
> 
> My Twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - princessukennymccormick


	19. face all the pain and take it on [because the only hope for me is you alone] [part 1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - The Only Hope for Me is You by MCR
> 
> There's mentions of concussions so if that's bothersome I'm sorry for the inconvenience

“Michael? How’re you doing, bud?”

Ryan had let himself into Michael’s room, to see him buried under blankets on Gavin’s side of the bed. Michael just groaned, depressed and uninterested in anything. He just missed Gavin too much. 

"Here, you need to get outside. LLLLLLLLet’s go.”

Ryan literally pulled Michael out of bed and gloomy dorm, ushering him into the sunny, early spring air. Michael squinted at the sun, forgetting just how bright the star could be. Ryan walked him downtown, to the coffee shop in the bookstore, for a quick bite to eat before another surprise. 

“Get whatcha like, my treat,” Ryan told Michael, who was trying to fix his hair in the reflection of the coffee machine. Michael just asked for a large tea, to which Ryan ordered, along with a large coffee and a few muffins. 

Michael idly traced the lid of his tea, zoning in and out of focus. Ryan munched on his food before waving his hand in front of Michael’s eyes. 

“You there?”

Michael snapped back in and nodded. “I’m fine.”

Ryan tisked before wrapping up the muffin for later. “You need a change of scenery. Let's take a trip."

“Ryan-”

Ryan placed his hand over the other’s lips and just guided him by the hand. They walked back to his apartment before getting right into his car. He brought him to their local train station, to take a two day trip into Boston, Massachusetts. After Ryan revealed this, Michael actually smiled. The idea of the train overjoyed him, since he never really took the ride. Ryan was a professional, paying for their tickets and finding them a two seat place to ride. He even let Michael have the window seat so he could watch the life revive in the new season as they traveled.

"I know where we'll go once we get there, so I hope the suspense isn't killing you," Ryan explained, patting Michael on the knee. 

Michael shrugged, "I've had worse. No biggie."

Since they had six hours to kill, they passed the time playing Scrabble on their phones, connecting over free WiFi and enjoying their obscure words. After doing some intense research, they found a different app, one where they could enter whatever they deemed as words. Michael infuriated Ryan with his Chinese words, but Michael would get a little too loud when Ryan just put a mess of letters on the board. At one point, Ryan ushered Michael to have some of his spare muffin, which they shared while watching some TV show on the phone. They were thrilled to be together. 

The hours passed in no time for the duo, ushering them into a paradise with skyscrapers. Michael wished they were in New York instead, but Ryan insisted that Boston was where they were destined to be. They only had to walk for about five minutes before they were in front of their home away from home.

Boston Aquarium.

"You pulled me out of my dorm for the weekend to look at fish?" Michael questioned.

"Do you _not_ like fish?"

"Touche. Let's go!"

They walked into the space to see the famous glass display before their eyes. After Ryan paid for admission, they strolled around, taking in each and every detail of the fish. Ryan kept pointing out every rainbow colored fish as "his fish", to make Michael giggle, to which he countered by trying to find fish with the same colors as the transgender flag. 

Michael was even having the time of his life from a gender perspective. Not one person slipped up, proving that his treatment was working. He was giddy each time he heard his pronouns, be it from Ryan talking to someone nearby or from a small kid saying "excuse me, mister." It was the escape Michael needed. 

Still, he wished he could experience it with Gavin. He swore to himself to show him the utopia once he returned, treating it like a welcome back gift. Ryan would notice when Michael began slowing down, and when that happened, he got him to a new area to ogle. Michael especially loved the jellyfish display, watching the bodies floating around made him forget every problem he ever had. Ryan snapped a photo of him from the opposite side, where you could see the wonder in his eyes and his fingerprints on the glass. He sent it to Gavin before stuffing his phone back in his jeans.

They stopped at one point for a snack, where they shared a plate of fries in the crowded cafeteria. Ryan and Michael pulled one apart, each getting about half, and letting their teeth sink into it. Michael was the first to spit it back to the tray.

“Fucking christ, how do they get away with this shit? They’re basically cardboard!”

Ryan followed up with “Really, you should blame the potatoes. They ruined everything.”

“Fuck, let’s get back to the aquarium. We gotta compensate for these shitty ass fries.”

After spending way too much time at an open pool tank, trying to pet _all_ the sharks, night time rolled around and they checked into a nearby motel. The room had a single double bed and a small TV atop a dresser. A sketchy bathroom was in the back and they wished they had a black light on them to see the mess that was likely hiding. 

“Man, it sucks being a poor college kid sometimes.” Ryan sighed. 

“Try me, Mr. I-Have-My-Own-Apartment,” Michael retaliated. 

“Hey, guess what I got in the gift shop of the aquarium,” Ryan started. 

Michael looked at him funny, trying to remember when he was away from the other. Ryan pulled out a deflated ball, and slowly started filling it up. Before long, they had an over sized beach ball accompanying them in their cramped room. 

“Why?”

“Why not?”

Michael laughed and came up with possibly his dumbest idea yet. They went out into the night, and positioned themselves in a joust position. 

“On three, we run into each other,” Michael proposed.

“One!”

“Two!”

“Three!”

They ran towards each other, bouncing off the ball and stumbling backwards. Ryan tipped a bit too far back on his heels and landed ass down on the pavement. 

“You alright, man?” Michael ran over to help him up, while also in a fit of giggles. 

“Yeah, almost hit me head, though,” Ryan explained. “Just my ass was hurt. Could've been a concussion or some shit”

“Here, we don’t have to do that again, despite how _awesome_ it was.”

“Wanna try a shorter distance in the room?”

The two of them went back inside, sparing the cool air and moved some corners away from their lane. They did more of a leap into the other with the ball, again tumbling over, hitting the floor. 

“Yeah, carpet feels much better,” Ryan said, still rubbing his wound. 

“I’m sorry I doubted this purchase, this was absolutely top.”

Ryan stopped in his tracks and looked at Michael. “Absolutely top. You really do love Gavin.”

Michael swooned at the thought of Gavin, and wondered what he was up to in England. Before he got too sad, Ryan got him into bed and began to set up some blankets on the floor. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Michael asked when he saw Ryan take a pillow. “What, is the floor better for your ass?”

Ryan stammered for a second. “I mean, we haven’t shared a bed in a while.”

“Well, let’s break the streak. Get in.”

Ryan crawled in under the probable semen laced sheets and curled up with Michael. They cuddled together for warmth before reminiscing about varying times they shared a bed before, from when Michael almost vomited on Ryan to when Michael fell off the bed because Ryan took up too much room.

They fell asleep, happy.

\---

The next morning, they got on the train, settling in for another six hours in the cramped tube. They bought coffee on the return trip, despite its horrible taste. Ryan dared Michael to chug it for $30, and Michael reluctantly finished in 10 seconds. "I hate you, Haywood," he sputtered as he held his hand out for the cash. As he did, the train shook as if it were struck by lightning. Ryan and Michael were jolted forward, hitting their heads and falling out of their chairs. Michael's body flew around as the car tipped to its side, with Ryan toppling on top of him. 

The train passengers were yelling and panicking as they realized their train had derailed. Michael was frozen in place, body against the metal, with Ryan being knocked unconscious. When Michael was able to move and think again, he got Ryan upright, trying to get him to come back to reality. 

"Hey, Rye, come back to me, buddy," he whispered in his ear. Ryan's head rolled around, slowly coming to as others were beginning to evacuate. "I need a medic!"

Ambulances and firetrucks were beginning to come to the scene, along with the media to report it. Michael had already texted Gavin, for he followed their local news and didn't want him to worry. Ryan was trying hard to stay conscious, slipping in and out. 

Police helped people out, giving them blankets and telephones to call loved ones. They went back in to get baggage and other belongings as everything was evacuated. Michael and Ryan made it out and instantly to an ambulance to ensure Ryan wouldn't pass out again. They rode to a local hospital, with their hands locked together, for neither body was stable enough yet to be on its own. With Michael's free hand, he stayed in touch with Gavin, to keep his own sanity. 

"For the first time, I'm pretty glad you're not here. This was a bad accident."

Gavin replied with words of love and safety for both Michael and Ryan. "I love you both, don't fuckin' die on me." "You two are super brave to stay so calm." "You'll be a-okay!"

Michael smiled as they arrived to the hospital and rolled Ryan in for examination, with Michael beginning to worry again. Not so much that he would die - that was the absolute worst case scenario. He was just worried if anything permanently hurt his brain.

After about an hour, the doctor came out for Ryan's health information, which Michael found for her in Ryan's wallet. She explained how he had a slight, borderline moderate concussion but would be safe to go home the next morning. Michael asked if he could stay with Ryan in his room, to which she gave special permission since they weren’t from the area. Michael walked into Ryan's room to see him half awake, laughing at the sight of his friend. 

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Michael asked, sitting down next to his bed. 

"Your face is bruised to shit," Ryan muttered, ready to get rest. Michael flipped him off and made sure he was comfortable before getting his own deserved sleep in the chair. Ryan flipped off the chair and insisted to just share the bed with Michael, akin to the night before. Michael crawled in, holding onto Ryan as if he were Gavin, and they both fell asleep after such an exciting, life threatening day.

The next morning, before Ryan stirred, Michael slipped out of the room to browse the nearby shops. After signing out of the hospital, he wandered around the city alone. It was the first time he really felt alone since before Ryan moved to his little town. Ryan would be in need of a pair of sunglasses to protect his eyes, so he found a pair similar to a pair he had years ago. Along with that, he found a little stuffed animal that looked like a cow. Michael knew that Ryan would fall in love with it at first glance.

He made it back upstairs to see Ryan awake and trying to remember something. 

“Hey, chill your brain, Haywood. We’re going home today.”

“What happened yesterday?”

“Eh, it’s not important. Get your nurse, I wanna go home.”

Once Ryan was cleared and ready to go, they were able to find a transfer train back to their college town. Michael gave Ryan the stuffed cow on the train to ease his mind. Just like the prediction, he fell in love with it, promptly naming it Edgar. Once they were back, Michael drove Ryan to his apartment, then tucked him in all cozy in his bed. Ryan was stoked that he got time off of school in order to rest, but got annoyed at the idea of just laying around to rest. Michael promised to be as entertaining as he could without hurting Ryan's head even more than it was. He stayed with him a few days to make sure he was safe and to do more physical activities. 

Michael wouldn't tell Ryan, but in his texts to Gavin, he really enjoyed it since he had company again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay well there you go sorry it's really late (it's 8:52 PM EST) I rewired the chaters a little bit so I had to write a lot more to compensate but I hope this was enjoyable (well as much as possible)
> 
> I'm not a train or concussion expert so if any of the info seems inaccurate this is my ignorance apology 
> 
> Enjoy the cute while it lasts is all I'm gonna say
> 
> Thanks for the support <3 
> 
> My twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - maniacmessiah (I changed it take note)


	20. face all the pain and take it on [because the only hope for me is you alone] [part 2]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - The Only Hope for Me Is You by MCR

One day, as Gavin scurried around the room with a duster, Gavin’s brother just watched from the doorway. At first it was amusing for him, but when he saw Gavin start to stumble around, he interjected. 

“Gavin?” 

Gavin nearly jumped out of his skin. “Huh?” 

"You're getting stir crazy and we all know it. Take a weekend in London, for fuck's sake. You need it."

Gavin reluctantly went, sad to be alone but also curious at what it was actually like. The only time he was ever really alone was the plane ride from London to New York the first time, and even then he had boyfriends. Now, he wasn't alone, per say; he just found it challenging to be so far away from Michael for so long.

He paced the streets of the city, dodging people and looking in store windows to possibly find something for when he came back, as a present. He popped in and out of stores, trying to find something absolutely perfect.

Gavin walked facing north when out of nowhere, a swarm of people ran by and flipped his direction. The crowd pushed him to the concrete, giving him a few small bruises, even. After brushing himself off, he went to check it out. 

Curiosity would kill the cat, but the satisfaction would barely bring it back. 

He peered over the crowd as they were swarming with pens and paper. Two men stood at the very front, smiling and laughing as they wrote signatures for everyone. Gavin had to strain in order to see, but the moment he did, his heart fell into his stomach. 

Ray and Dan were the fame.

Gavin begged for his body to move but it was frozen in time and space. He stared at them, even as the crowd began to dissipate. He was glued to them. It had only been five months since it happened, but everything felt as if it took five years to be. Ray and Dan had matching rings secured on their left hands, to which Gavin couldn't process. He fell to his knees, to which Dan noticed out of the corner of his eye. His mouth fell open and his eyes dilated in a split second.

"Ray..." he whispered, pointing over to their ex boyfriend. Ray followed the direction and shook in a bit of fright. Gavin collected himself and stood back up to walk over to them. Ray and Dan just wanted to bail. 

"So, the Slo Mo Guys?" Gavin asked, almost tauntingly. 

"Why are you even here?" Ray spat, anger washing over the shock. 

"What was so wrong with your fancy American school?" Dan followed.

"My mum is sick, you cunts. Not that either of you should know," Gavin said, "It's not like you guys have your own thing going on to be worried about little ol' me.

"But I digress. The Slo Mo Guys. Wasn't it me who came up with that, Dan?"

Dan sheepishly hung his head, conflicted. Ray stepped up, taking his boyfriend's hand for comfort.

"Maybe if you thought of it, you should've hopped on that train faster. It has no brakes, Gavin."

"Oh please." Gavin relaxed. "I'm just giving you shit. I'm more astonished that on my _first fucking day_ back in London I run into you two. I really don’t care anymore."

Dan and Ray chuckled a little bit, softening their posture. 

“Uh, there’s a cafe down the block. Are you two too famous for a quick bite to catch up?” Gavin offered, still nervous about his exes but figured it’d be a great story for when he talked to Michael again. 

“That sounds great, Gavvers.”

They walked down the road into a small cafe, ordering something warm to drink to battle a storm and a few treats as well. They found a table in the back, to avoid any extra paparazzi.

“So, catch me up,” asked Gavin. “When did the fame really set in?”

“Ah, just a few days ago. Our last video blew up. Literally, too, we blew up a paint canister. Good times,” Ray answered. 

“And, if you didn’t see, we’re uh, engaged,” Dan admitted, letting the lamp above their heads catch the light of the stone. Ray followed suit, showing Gavin the rings. 

Gavin felt his stomach twist in a bit of envy, but still couldn’t help but feel thrilled. “That’s just incredible. I’m really happy for you two.”

Ray was getting a bit uncomfortable and changed the subject. "How's Michael doing?"

"He's...god, he's good." Any lasting bitterness that Gavin was holding onto just disintegrated at the sound of Michael’s name. “He just declared his minor, actually. Wants to be a high school teacher like a nerd.”

"You two together?"

Gavin nodded, to which Dan handed Ray a bit of money.

Gavin smirked at their motion but continued talking. "I wanted to go back and visit for his spring break but I don't think I can swing it financially. I still plan to spend extra time online that for him."

Ray thought of something and excused himself and Dan for a moment, asking Gavin to flee for the second. Gavin walked over to the dessert display, idly browsing as Ray talked.

“We could send him back, you know.”

“Why would we, exactly?” Dan looked at him as if he were breathing fire.

“Because they’re happy together. Because Gavin could’ve been a huge dick to us. Because, hell, it’s a nice thing to do?”

Dan considered it and admitted it was the right thing to do. Dan waved Gavin back to their table. Ray explained what they wanted to do, which moved Gavin to tears. He thanked them profusely, and agreed to meet again when everything was settled. 

He couldn’t wait to see Michael again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well ok this week was the shortest yet I'm just wiped from school so I'm sorry ;-; 
> 
> Next week is good!! Yay!!
> 
> As always, thank you for the lovely comments and kudos <3
> 
> OH ALSO LAST WEEK THERE WAS A BIG TYPO it's fixed now but Ryan and Michael didn't kiss if you thought this I'm sorry 
> 
> My twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - maniacmessiah


	21. we'll give him eagle's wings then he can fly to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - A Quick One While He's Away by The Who 
> 
> A (late) Merry Christmas, (late) Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa and Happy Boxing Day to anyone who may celebrate!

Michael walked in from the rainy weather, ready to take a hot shower and relax. Spring break had begun, and Gavin regrettably told his he couldn't make a trip back. Heartbroken, he took the gift card from Christmas and bought a plethora of books, ready to chill. 

The shower eased away his sour thoughts, of wanting to book a flight to England himself to shorten the distance. As a broke college kid, though, it was impossible. Michael could barely go out to dinner, so going to a different continent was a little far fetched. 

Once he walked out of the shower, he bundled up in some of Gavin's clothes, along with getting his pillow for the couch. The minute he settled into his nest, he heard a knock on the door.

"Goddamn, Ryan!" Michael yelled, throwing the blanket across the room, "I just sat dow-"

Gavin was in the doorway, bundled in a leather jacket and jeans, as if he were out of a 50's movie. A bouquet was in hand and a smile was shining on his face.

"NO FUCKING WAY!"

Michael clung to Gavin like a magnet, never planning to let go. Gavin got Michael to walk a bit so they could at least get in the door and into their world.

"You told me you weren't going to make it," Michael sputtered, his emotions going haywire. 

"It's called surprises, Michael," Gavin explained. "My god, the T is doing you so much good."

Michael pulled Gavin in by his jacket and pressed their lips together for the first time in nearly two months. Gavin knew that, in retrospect, they were barely separated, but it was only because of his own past. For Michael, two months meant 20 years. 

"Oh my god, it's really you," Michael whispered, his heart beginning to fall back into its usual rhythm. "It's you, Gavin.'

"It's me, it's me,” Gavin cooed, "You have me until Saturday."

"How did you swing this?!" 

"I have my ways, dearest," Gavin changed the subject quickly, going to make himself some coffee. "Man, jet lag sucks."

"Oh my god.”Michael couldn't stop saying it. It was as if he were bound to wake up at any moment. 

\---

The next morning, when Michael rolled over, his arm hit a body. It startled him, but when his eyes focused, he could make out the blur of Gavin. 

He turned giddy, nearly pouncing on Gavin. It woke the Brit with a fright, but then he also remembered where he was: home. 

"Hi," they said simultaneously, !happy beyond words. 

Michael scurried up, to which Gavin thought he was trying to be the first one in the bathroom, but when he didn't come back for 10 minutes, Gavin got up to investigate. 

The living room looked as if a tornado attacked in the brief time he'd been back. Blankets were everywhere and Michael was nowhere to be seen. 

"Dude what the hell is this?" Gavin asked, to have Michael's head bump up into a blanket. 

"Aw, it was gonna be a surprise," Michael whined, emerging from the mess. "We talked about having a blanket fort before you left so...here it is. Ta-da!"

Gavin made some sort of noise of pleasure, to have him get down and crawl inside. Michael had used the couch and table as their prime bases, draping the cloths over the TV to optimize. He had also began collecting board games for them to play with, so their days could be spent making as many memories as their heads could hold. 

"Michael, it's perfect."

"You're perfect."

"No, you are!"

"No, you are!"

"No, you are!"

"GODDAMN IT GAVIN YOU ARE NOW SHUT UP!"

Gavin squeaked as he laughed, making Michael shake his head and shut him up with a kiss. They started playing Monopoly, one of their many games. 

"Once, I played this with some of Ryan's friends in high school, like it was a group of us, but he wasn't feeling well and his voice sounded like shit," Michael explained. "He'd try to make a sale but it sounded croaked and we were worried if he was gonna make it through the game. Like the assholes we were, we'd get him to talk just to hear how sad it sounded. We were dicks, but at the time, it was fuckin' hilarious. Even now, I'll still tease him about it."

"In like 5th grade, there was a kid who didn't know how to pronounce 'monopoly'. None of us had ever heard of something like that, so when he said it, we all found it funny. He was embarrassed, and I feel bad now, don't get me wrong. It was just great hearing a 10 year old kid say 'mono-poly’ like ‘one bug’."

Gavin somehow ended up winning in a landslide, having half of the bank money and most of the properties. Michael fought the good fight, but couldn't conquer Gavin's monopoly. 

After, they pulled out Battleship, to which they spent more time placing the ships than actually defeating the other. Gavin would try and move his pieces if Michael got too close, but he would catch him every time. In return, Michael would demand a kiss, which made Gavin cheat more. It was all in good fun, so they just brushed off the sour ideas since they were making sweet ones. 

"Did I ever tell you about Ryan's high school girlfriend?" Michael brought up once, during his move.

"What?! You told me he was gay!"

"Yeah, but not always. He dated some girl, I can't remember her name, in like sophomore year. She was a real doll, too, like absolute sweetheart. She was his first real relationship, and I think he was hers too. They had six adorable months together before she left him. I'm pretty sure she pulled the 'we're too young for this to go anywhere' card, but anyways, she was gone."

"That's so sad!"

"It wrecked him, like it was the lowest I've ever seen him go. He basically turned emo, like not in a bad way, but he was really sad for a while and he was writing dark poetry. It's a shame I help him burn the copies once he got over it, but it was just a sight.”

"I remember there was a girl in my class who accidentally asked two guys to the same dance. Like, she was intending to ask one of them, but his friend was right there. She went up to the one she liked and asked, but they got confused. 'Are you asking both of us?’ one asked and she just enthusiastically said 'yes!' in a panic. So, she ended up with two guys on her arms, and I'm still envious of her game."

The rest of their days were flooded with games and shows, and hugging as often as possible. Gavin couldn’t help but feel as if he were hugging less of Michael though. With the time they were away, though, he figured it was just the lack of contact and he had to remember what Michael felt like. He pinned it to hormone injections and memory loss.  
\---

Michael and Gavin were lounging when Michael sneezed out of nowhere. And again, and then at least 4 more times. Then Gavin could hear the congestion as Michael tried finding a box of tissues. 

"You alright?"

Michael pouted. "I didn't want to be sick my last two days of Spring Break, what kind of bullshit is this?" he whined, thrashing a bit from his spot on the couch. 

"Aw, don't you worry." Gavin stood up and found him some water and medicine, stuff he brought along god forbid he were the one to fall ill. Michael sipped the bitter liquid, saying he wished that they made it taste at least human. 

"Like...you mean decent, right?"

"No Gavin, I want it to taste like raw human, because that'll taste better than this shit!" Michael sarcastically shot back. It made Gavin crack up, so Michael was satisfied.

They put on a new movie release, about some superhero kids and a marshmallow robot. Gavin was moved to tears so often during the film that Michael was sharing his tissues that he needed for his sickness. Michael was too, just not nearly as often. Gavin even started to joke that he was the caregiving robot, just not nearly as fluffy. Or as intelligent.

"So, are you satisfied with your care?"

"Shut up, Gavin."

"I cannot power down until you say it."

"I'm almost 100% positive that that's not the line."

"But Miiiichael."

Michael first handed him a small bottle of hand sanitizer and then covered Gavin's hands in kisses.

"I'm satisfied with my care."

Michael curled up in Gavin's lap, having Gavin run his hand up and down his back. They hazily gazed out the window, a small storm subsiding. 

"There's a rainbow, Michael."

"Is there?" Michael tried lifting himself up to see, but gave up quickly and cuddled back into Gavin. "Describe it to me?"

"Why?"

"Please? Your voice are really pretty. And my glasses aren't being nice to me right now. Feel free to get poetic and stuff." Michael cuddled closer to Gavin to urge him even more.

"Okay," Gavin took a moment to ponder, even going as far to check his phone. When he was ready to start, he pressed a kiss to Michael's hair.

"Red is the first color of the rainbow. It's smooth, dynamic, and a bold start to the lines. It’s the largest curve, ironically since it has the shortest wave length. In some cultures, it can mean luck. Luck as in the way I just happened to scream one night and now, here I am, I'm getting poetic. In others, it can mean rage. Rage in the sense that you're angry a lot, but it's okay, you have your reasoning. And most can be justified and when you calm down you're the most cuddly person I've ever met.

"Orange follows, highlighting warm autumnal feelings and the sense that everything is alright. It's an oxymoron, meaning both optimism and pessimism. Optimism in that my mother is progressing through her treatment but pessimism in that it's not going fast enough. But when I have you sitting in my lap, my arms curled around your back, our tummies pressed together, and your ear pressed to my heart, I feel like I glow. 

"Yellow is so loud. It's in the same happy boat as orange, sending warm vibes across the sky. The ambiance that it gives is something I've felt only a few times in my life. Even the sun shares this color, sending happiness through the globe. Even when grey clouds try and stop it, it still tries so hard to get its message across. Yet, yellow also brings impatience, the anxious feelings of transitions and wanting to come home _now_ but I must wait. And you must wait. But, when that waiting is over, we'll then feel the glow again.

"Green is Earth. Green is the trees that are growing in and the grass that was hidden by snowflakes. Green is a new birth by the world and setting things in a forwards spiral. Like the same way my heart fluttered when we said 'I love you' and I listened to your tape for the first time. It's also possessiveness, which we're both guilty of, borderline selfish natures in which we want the other and only the other. Practice makes perfect, though, and with every breakthrough, green is there in the corners to welcome it.

"Blue is sadness. Every time I have to hang up our conversations, my soul is consumed in a blue fire, the kind you found in high school chemistry. Every time I see Mum in pain, hunched over or fighting to sleep, it's blue. Yet, when I first see you or when she's smiling, it's a different blue. It's peace. It's this 'everything is going to be perfect one day just you hold on' like the same feeling of finishing school. It's the feeling of getting your name change, your first round of shots, and you'll know it when you have surgery. It's all worth the wait.

"Purple is so ambiguous. It's creative, yet only so little of it appears on the rainbow. Its long wavelengths send ideas through people's heads, tying knots and producing art in the rawest form. What I've done for you and you for me is the pure result in having purple overtake a thought, between crafts and music. It's also immature, impractical, when any of us, Ryan included, want to swim across the Atlantic. The intention is harmless but the latent could have us killed."

Gavin paused for the first time, tripping on the word "killed". He sort out his thoughts, and smiled with warm acceptance.

"And that's right. We're going to die one day, all of us. You, me, Ryan, Jack, Ray, Dan, my family, your family, all their families. Anyone we ever loved and anyone we've ever wanted to maim. But, and this is just me, that's okay. When I'm with you, death doesn't scare me. It's almost more inviting; from what I've heard, the moments just before death are an intense kind of peace, of surrender, of finally being content. And if I know that you're by my side, or if you're waiting for me, then how could I possibly be afraid of that? You're the only thing that matters, and even the rainbow can explain that."

Michael had long since fallen asleep, humming softly against Gavin's chest. The rise and fall of his breathing had lulled him off, along with lots of cough syrup from his cold. Gavin wrapped a blanket around him, kissed his hair once again, and pulled out his phone to stop recording. 

In the morning, he had some typing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it for 2014! Only four more chapters to go for 2015! (& then I become an adult fuck fuck fuCK)
> 
> (I wrote this in early November when the first Sunday Driving came out lolol)
> 
> S/O to Big Hero 6 as well
> 
> Again, happy holidays, happy new year, and I'll see you in 2015!
> 
> My twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - maniacmessiah


	22. our bodies burning, tides are turning, somehow stopping time [what is becoming of my heart and mind]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - In the Darkness by Dead by Sunrise

Michael watched Gavin leave from his window, sighing and already counting the days before they would be united again. Their last day together was full of contact, nothing more, nothing less. They would only get out of bed to use the bathroom or get something to drink, but even then, it was short lived. Gavin said he had to store as much of him in the bed to last until he came back. Michael snickered but let him do as he wished.

He recalled their departure, where they traded clothes again, as they did a couple months prior. Gavin kept stopping in his tracks, just gazing at Michael.

"What is it?" he eventually asked.

"Nothing, I just don't want to lose you. Ever," Gavin admitted. Michael handed him a few tee shirts and held him for a while. Gavin had a car come to bring him to a local airport, to fly him home to England. He told Michael of his goal was to be home in time for the end of the semester, since the doctors kept singing praises of his mother. Michael set a timer. 

In the meantime, Ryan had come home from his first college spring break and had lots to talk about. He came by about an hour after Gavin left, and could tell from the way the dorm felt that he was there.

"He made it?" he asked once he shut the door behind him. Michael just nodded, smiling to his heart’s content. Ryan continued with "it seems as if he were always here." He then gave Michael a pat on the back and handed him a little shell from the beach he visited. 

"It would've been, like, a hundred times cooler to actually go somewhere really warm rather than the bottom of the state, but it was still a lot of fun. I got high for the first time, actually."

"Shut up, how was it?"

"It was fuckin' trippy, man. I ate so much food." He was laughing at the memory. "It made a lot of problems cease for a bit so that was my favorite part."

Michael shared all the fun he had with Gavin, from the moment he walked in to the last turn of his rental car. 

"I was sick a few days ago and I fell asleep while he wrote this, but look," Michael said, handing him the words Gavin said about a rainbow. Ryan read it, and with each word it was as if his smile grew more and more. 

"That's beautiful. You two are so beautiful. More than Jack and me, even,” Ryan confessed.

"How is he?"

"He's great," Ryan swooned, "We're meeting up in a bit to catch up before classes start again."

"That's super sweet." Michael’s stomach suddenly flipped around, twisted with envy. “If, uh, you don’t mind, I’m gonna go to sleep. Gav and I were up late and I’m...well, just kinda down.”

Ryan shook his head, leaving without another word. Michael felt sicker than he was before, before Gavin even came to visit. For a split moment, he even wished Gavin never visited.

“Fuck,” he moaned to the empty room. “This can’t be happening.”

He blamed his contradictory feelings towards a lack of sleep, crawling into bed and passing out the moment his head hit the pillow. 

Suddenly, Michael was seeing Gavin again. He tried going towards him, but his feet were stuck in the desert. If he put enough force into his movement, he could gradually walk forward. Gavin remained in place, his shadow outstretched across the canvas of sand. The closer Michael got to Gavin - it felt like hours were bleeding into each other, erasing what time meant - he could see that Gavin was hurt. A pool of blood was collecting to his right side, just beneath his shoulder. He no longer had an arm.

“Gavin!” he yelled, but water filled his lungs, muffling what he tried to say. “Gavin!”

Gavin walked towards him; the sand wasn’t sticking to his feet. He nearly glided to Michael, and began pushing down on him with his remaining hand. 

“Goodbye, Michael. I’m sorry.”

Gavin’s hand pushed Michael down into the sand, suffocating him with the rock. Michael could barely fight back, between drowning and losing his balance. The sand was turning stickier than before, and the deeper he went, the more he just had to surrender. 

When Michael woke up with a jolt, a dangerous chill flew up his spine, and he was scared for the future. 

\---

“How are we doing?”

Gavin looked up, confused and a little nervous. It was a couple weeks after Gavin had gone back home, and since then, things were a tad off. “What do you mean, dear?”

Michael couldn’t really look at the screen. His eyes were glazing over a bit and he didn’t have the strength to look at his boyfriend. 

“Like are we okay? Do you still like me? Is the distance too much?” he offered, bundled in one of Gavin’s hoodie but still shaking quite visibly. 

“Michael, yeah, I mean, the distance is bugging me a bit but I still like you.”

Michael weakly smiled, but nothing else of him changed. His eyes were still lost; his body was freaking out.

“How are _you_ doing, Michael? Because by the looks of it, it doesn’t seem good.”

“I miss you. I'm just really lost. I’m trying to get back into the swing of things, but I’m just nervous, like all the time.”

Gavin;s concern grew by the second and he quickly texted Ryan, to see what Michael was like from his perspective. “I mean, what would make you feel better?”

Michael shrugged. “To go back in time. To make sure your mother didn’t get sick. Just to go back to last year, I guess.” His voice was monotone, barely rising to the occasion. 

Ryan texted Gavin back. “He’s not himself. Do I have to intervene?” 

Gavin replied, “What do you mean?”

Ryan chose his words carefully. “He’s... empty. His grades are slipping (don’t tell him I saw his grades) and he’s been pushing me away a little bit. It hurts a lot.

“He’s not eating, either. I’m worried it’s getting dangerous.”

“Why don’t you see Ryan?” Gavin offered, going to open a shade in his house so the sunlight could be transferred overseas.

“I don’t really want to,” Michael admitted. “I don’t know what I want. It all seems worthless.”

Gavin read the next text, the one about Michael not eating, and his eyes widened in fear.

“When’s the last time you’ve eaten?”

“I don’t want to tell you.” 

Gavin was taken back by how quickly Michael answered him. “Michael. Tell me.”

“Fucking make me.”

“Michael. Vincent. Jones.”

Michael cowered when he admitted to last eating two full days ago and that’s when Gavin finally snapped.

“I’m still alive, Michael. We haven’t seen each other in a few weeks and you completely shut down? How do you think I was with Dan and Ray? I was absolutely fine. It didn’t send me into a spiraling depression.”

“Why do you keep bringing them up? Shut the fuck up about yourself for once, this is something I didn’t sign up for, unlike your precious _Dan and Ray._ ” He mocked Gavin’s accent at the mention of his past lovers.

“You’re making it a bigger deal than it really is. It’s annoying.”

“Fuck you, Gavin. It’s not my fault.”

Michael slammed the laptop shut, cutting Gavin off and leaving him in the dust. Gavin pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling twinges of regret coursing his body. He texted Ryan again, to have them start their own Skype conversation. Ryan picked up and business began.

“Alright, what’s happening?”

“He says everything seems worthless and he hasn’t been eating. I’m at a loss.”

“What did he say about eating?”

“He hasn’t eaten in two days. His skin is pale and he was shaking a lot on camera. It was too scary.”

“Fucking shit,” Ryan buried his face in his fists. “I’m at a loss, too.”

"I mean, we can help him, but it’s whether or not he’ll accept it. Do you know if anything else bad happened recently?"

"Not to my knowledge. We played some games a few days ago but he kept losing, like more than usual," Ryan clarified. "Maybe my accident is still clouding his head?"

"I mean, I feel like that would have appeared more before then? It seems odd for it to be right now."

"True. How do you feel, though?"

"About Michael overall or right now, because those are two different answers."

"Eh, why not both? Might as well help out a friend while procrastinating a paper."

"I love Michael a lot. Just...not right now. It's a bonus stress to my already hectic home over here," Gavin admitted. "It's hard to care for a physically sick mum and a mentally sick boyfriend."

"Personally, I don't think what Michael is doing to you is fair. I've tried telling him that before, but he has a tendency to not listen. On the flip side, I do sympathize with him - he really likes you and is trying his best, but he's crumbling. College is a lot more than he expected and he was struggling _before_ he even met you. He clung to you for security, and now it's gone, physically at least."

"He doesn't have to do that, though."

"Well, would it be worse if he didn't?" Ryan was in his prime Devil's advocate mode, "If the moment you dropped the bombshell, he left you? Asked you to find a new roommate? Because I doubt you'd enjoy that, either."

"Ryan-"

"Michael loves you more than I love him, and I love that kid to fucking bits. The fact that he put so much in and now has run himself ragged is disastrous in my eyes. Here's my proposition: we both know he needs help, but for him to get it professionally, he needs to decide that for himself. So, in the meantime before he comes to his senses, I'll take Michael in here, so I can basically be a third parent. Make sure he's doing his homework and eating and all that good self-care stuff. You keep doing what you're doing on your end, and I'll basically go psych on him to get him healthy again. Worth a shot?"

Gavin thought about it. "Would he go for it?"

"If I took him in the middle of the night..."

"Ryan, if you're going to do it, do it legally. The last thing I need is a mentally ill boyfriend who's also involved with a court case."

"Fine, I'll talk to him. You do, too. I'll text you."

"Text you."

Gavin hung up and went to take care of some housework. After taking the few hours to make everything shine, he felt refreshed. His heart was twisting a bit, though, at the thought of Michael being so sick. He wanted to be by his side, but that wasn't going to work this time. 

He returned to his phone to see 3 missed calls from Michael, 2 from Ryan, and a couple texts. He called Ryan back first.

"Ryan?"

"Okay, he's resisting. And yelling a lot. Talk him into it?"

"Say no more."

Gavin hung up and speed dialed Michael. He was preparing himself for a classic rage moment once the phone line clicked on, and he was right to do that.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, FREE!? I'M DOING FINE, YOU INCONSIDERATE FUCKUP."

"Michael, you're sick. Would you rather go to a doctor?"

"MAYBE IF I WAS ACTUALLY FUCKING SICK!"

"You're in denial." Gavin's heart was tearing, cutting into pieces at how Michael was yelling but the words were coming out empty. "Stay with Ryan. Isn't his family into psychological stuff? They can help you get better."

"I DON'T FUCKING WANT THEM, I WANT YOU."

"Michael, try it. For me?"

Michael was choking back sobs on the other line, his glasses broken across the room from an episode earlier. The scattered clothes on the floor were mixed with some photos he took down, without so much a tear to a corner. Michael glanced down at one of them sledding just a few months prior. He took in their genuine smiles, and the shine in their eyes from looking at the other. 

"Gavin, come home."

"Michael, quite honestly, unless you get better, I don't know if I want to.”

"What?" Michael's voice cracked.

"Michael, I'm only away because someone I love is physically ill and could possibly die. I love my mum so much, so for me to be with her is something I need to do. Michael, I think you're top, but you're acting really selfish."

"But Gavin..."

"Please get your shit together. Stay with Ryan for a bit."

Michael couldn’t process what was happening; his version of reality wasn’t making any sense. "I love you?" 

"I...have strong feelings towards you but they're confused right now." Gavin hung up the line and burst into tears. Michael was frozen, but still was able to call Ryan, asking for him to be picked up for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2015, let it be 1000% more enjoyable than 2014
> 
> And I didn't edit a lot so sorry I guess 
> 
> My twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - maniacmessiah


	23. did you tattoo a lucky charm to keep you out of harms way? [warding off all evil signs but never really kept you safe]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Amy by Green Day

Gavin turned 20 years old in May. 

The time in between was spent between trying to have sweet moments with Michael, and they certainly had many. Gavin learned a new song for the first day Michael ate a full meal without feeling too bad. 

Michael was doing better too, as he prepared for his finals once again. They would practice Chinese like old times, disregarding the distance altogether. Since Gavin had no scenes to practice, he would find some online to just read with Michael, translating for the fun of it. Michael was feeling better, despite frequent relapses, yet a pit in his stomach remained. Something still wasn't right, but he tried ignoring it until there was something to be worried about. 

"Happy birthday, Gavin," Michael whispered into the screen once it loaded. His complexion was slowly coming back. His words were still sometimes shaky, but he still fought the good fight. Gavin would praise him for the smallest achievements. 

"Thank you, darling."

"Hey, you beat teenage pregnancy odds," Michael teased, earning the middle finger from Gavin. He giggled though, and earned some praise. It was the smallest things about Michael that Gavin had taken for granted. 

"I made you another tape," Michael said, sending a file out into the web. Gavin got a playlist called “Happy 20th Bday, Butthole” and read through the songs. Some of the same songs from the first tape were still there, but some changed as well. One that he noticed as a dramatic difference was the very last song - a song called In Between.

"Why this one?" Gavin asked. Michael first drank some water, rallied up some happiness, and weakly sang to the other. 

_Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say_

_But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between_

_Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say_

_But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between_

_Between my pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way_

_And things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is none_

_Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say_

_But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between_

_Between my pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way_

_The things I want to say to you get lost before they come_  
The only thing that's worse than one is none  
The only thing that's worse than one is none 

_And I cannot explain to you  
And anything I say or do or plan_

_Fear is not afraid of you  
But guilt's a language you can understand_

_I cannot explain to you_  
And anything I say or do  
I hope the actions speak the words they can 

_For my pride and my promise  
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way_

_The things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is_

_Pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way_

_The things I want to say to you get lost before they come_  
The only thing that's worse than one is none  
The only thing that's worse than one is none  
The only thing that's worse than one is none 

Gavin gave him a weak smile, one of remorse and pride. The lyrics made Gavin choke, and something deep in his heart signaled a red light. He could see Michael's progress, but knew he was taking his time. Yet, just hearing his voice stabilize in a few lines made it one of his best birthdays. 

"I miss you a lot, Gavin."

"I miss you too, Michael."

They settled to watch Gavin's favorite movie, but it was bittersweet. Gavin put as much focus into it as he possibly could, but his heart was stinging. Michael could barely breathe throughout it, often excusing himself to take some deep breaths (guided by Ryan and Jack, since he was there). Michael would softly let tears slip out, angry at himself for singing that damned song yet content as well for finding something that he connected to so well.

They finished their movie, both their faces tear streaked. 

“Gavin, I have to tell you something.”

Gavin looked up, startled by Michael’s serious tone. “Is everything alright?”

“I-I’m really sorry.”

“Mikey, what is it?”

Michael smirked a little from hearing a nickname, but it faded quickly. “Remember how I dated a lot of people? Back in high school?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I never ended up telling you what happened. I told you I would and, well, things got away from me.”

“Michael, if you don’t want to-”

“No, Gavin, you deserve it.” Michael took a deep breath. “A lot of them were long distance. And it didn’t exactly trigger something this severe but it would cause depression, like hardcore fuckin’ shit. I would try and control things I couldn’t because I needed to feel stable. The ones that weren’t long distance, really just got too uncomfortable with the trans thing, so it shot my confidence in the ass. If it wasn’t for Ryan, I would be dead. I thought I would be better with you. I thought it wouldn’t be long distance and I thought I would be different because of transitioning and college. But, holy shit, I was wrong. I was so wrong, Gavin.”

Gavin softened. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to be a burden. But, that happened anyways. I fucked up.”

“And this why you haven’t been eating? To feel in control?”

Michael just nodded, too fatigued to try and defend himself. 

Gavin sighed, ready to talk again, but he heard someone calling for him from behind. His brother was asking him to take a ride somewhere.

"I have to go, dear, my mum's being called under emergency. I'm not really sure why. I'll text you, though."

"Oh, okay, Gav. I'll text you."

Gavin blew him a kiss and signed off. Ryan and Jack watched from the kitchen as he put his head down on the keyboard. Jack went to call Michael's favorite takeout place to hold him over a few days and Ryan brought him some more water. 

"We're going to get through this, Michael." Ryan said, slowly rubbing his back. "School's almost over, Jack's calling your favorite in, you can get some sleep soon..."

Michael couldn't identify his emotion. He was ready to take down a building brick by brick but also ready to curl in defeat. 

"I'm no better," he blurted out, suddenly. Ryan and Jack looked at each other and then to Michael. "I'm losing it..."

"No, Michael, you're doing fine. I may not be certified, but you know Jack is. We're here to help you."

Michael just laughed against Ryan's shoulder, trying to figure out everything that was swarming in his head. Ryan decided it would be better for Michael to try and get some of his energy out before anything else, so they took a walk. 

"Why can't I get over this?" Michael asked Ryan once they were outside. The chilly air was fine for both of them in their hoodies. 

"It's a process, Michael. Granted, you're kind of dragging your feet, but it's a process."

"When's Gavin coming back?"

"When his mother and you are better." Ryan felt weird saying that. He twinged a bit, making Michael question it. 

"It used to be 'when his mother got better'. Not...not including you," Ryan said. 

It finally hit Michael. 

"I'm such an asshole," he mumbled. Ryan asked him to clarify, not for his own sake but for Michael's. 

"I'm an asshole! It's been about me the whole fucking time!" Michael's brain was near breaking from his epiphany. "Oh my fucking god..."

"There we go! The breakthrough! The denial is over!" Ryan cheered. Michael felt nauseous, to which Ryan helped him inside to get something in his belly. They got inside to see Jack unpacking the meals, and even though Michael picked at his, he got enough down to feel better. Ryan got him settled in bed, and when he clicked the door shut, he spoke to Jack. 

"It's almost as if we have our own kid," he joked, making the bearded man snicker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used - In Between by Linkin Park
> 
> Well, only two more chapters to go!
> 
> I wasn't feeling so well last week, so I'm sorry for such a short comment at the end. I didn't even say thank you. So, thank you, thank you!!! I very well make 4000 hits by the time this story ends and maybe even 50K words. I can't even begin to fathom that. I love all the comments, kudos, and everything else so much; I feel blessed to have this kind of turn out. 
> 
> My twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - maniacmessiah


	24. try to slow down the problem he's got but can't get off the carousel until he makes it stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - Carousel by Linkin Park

"Michael, I have something to tell you."

Michael looked up from his mineral water and looked at the screen. Gavin's eyes were swollen and he knew whatever he had to say was going to be rough. He excused himself first to get another bottle and came back to hear what was happening. 

"So, I've been away to help my mum battle brain cancer, stage two. She was given a decent percentage at living, so I came back to give her and the rest of my family a hand. It's taken away not only my education, but you and a _large_ amount of my sanity."

"Gavin, I _know._ " Michael rolled his eyes.

"So, a few days ago, we were called in under emergency. Some test came back and...I..." Gavin bit his lip to keep from getting emotional again. "It's terminal."

"Oh, Gavin."

"I'm just paralyzed. She has the sort of better part of the year left, which brings me to what you're not going to like..."

"You're going to stay?"

Gavin shook his head yes, explaining he would come back to school once everything was settled in England. 

“At best, it looks like I can come back for the next spring semester. But even then, emotionally and all that..."

Michael couldn't even feel. "I mean, I'm really sorry about your mother. I know you two were close so I can't really imagine the shock you have to your system. I'm just lost as to the future again."

"Give it some time. Finish your finals. I'll still help you when I can, I'm just trying to spend as much time with her as possible now."

MIchael nodded in agreement and hung up the line. He got up and walked into Ryan’s room, emotionless. Ryan was lying stomach down on the bed, watching something on Netflix. Michael crawled in next to him, covering both of them with a blanket. Ryan cocked an eyebrow. 

“It’s terminal, Ryan.”

Ryan clicked the spacebar and wrapped Michael with his right arm. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“He’s not coming back.”

Ryan softly nodded, expecting such from Gavin. Michael quit talking then, just letting Ryan continue watching his show and enjoying the feeling of his arm surrounding himself. He lightly chucked from the show every now and again, barely. It grounded him to the feeling, but it was better than floating all over the place. 

Ryan whispered this once they were surrounded by silence. “We’ll take care of it. You have my back, and Jack’s too. He’s crazy about you.”

“You sound like my dad if he were to first divorce my mom and then find some girlfriend I was on the fence about,” Michael mumbled into the sheets. 

“Hey, you sounded like yourself there,” Ryan was in awe. “That was pretty cool.”

Michael rolled over and smiled at Ryan, suddenly feeling some level of human again. “Something's not settling right in me, though. I may have just passed a boundary of overtired and that’s where I really am.”

“Well, get some sleep now. Skip class, I’ll email your professor for you,” Ryan insisted. At the word “sleep”, Michael was out like a light. Ryan emailed Michael’s professor and then Skyped Gavin, explaining how Michael was handling it.

“He’s somehow sleeping. It’s kinda weird. He’s warm as hell, though, I see why you two get along so well when you share a bed,” he typed.

“His poor body has been through the wringer. I don’t really know what to do anymore.”

“I mean, his finals are next week. Whatever you decide to do, wait until they’re done. This cannot take a bigger toll than it already fucking has.”

Ryan looked over to Michael to see his face erase the pain. It softened just right, making pretend of the whole semester. Ryan smirked and went back to Gavin.

“He looks happier unconscious. That’s sad. That should be a warning sign.”

On the other side of the screen, Gavin felt nothing. All he could process were some of his two favorite people in pain and he couldn’t focus on anything else. He was between his rock and the hardest place. 

“It has to end...doesn’t it?” Gavin typed. 

“I’ll leave it at this. It’s up to you two, but in all my years with Michael, he’s _never_ been this depressed.”

Ryan logged off and Gavin fell asleep on the keyboard. He mind made a decision for the first time in months. It wasn't his favorite but, God, it would bring them both some peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bought a 2DS today which is why this is short as shit. And sad as shit. But, one more chapter! Holy shit! 
> 
> I'll see you next week for the finale! Holy shit!!
> 
> Thanks for the views this past week!
> 
> My Twitter - @michael_kyan  
> My tumblr - maniacmessiah


	25. so in the meantime we'll pretend and fake what we don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title - What We Don't Know by Linkin Park

Gavin woke up to Michael's Skype call in the early evening. He was granted a nap, but clearly that wasn't going to happen. 

"Hello Mikey," Gavin slurred. 

"Shit. I woke you up." Michael frowned. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's all good. If I was really asleep the call wouldn't have woken me. No worries."

"How's your mom doing?"

"Eh...not too good. She's at the hospital with my brother. He insisted I rested for a bit so here I am at home.

"Have you eaten?"

Michael swallowed hard. "It's been a bit."

"What's a bit to you?"

"Nothing yet today."

Gavin buried his hands in his face. No one said anything for a little while, trying to piece together the words.

"Gavin...we need to face it."

"I don't really want to, Michael."

"But this isn't healthy," Michael was so exhausted he couldn't even will himself to cry, "I'm not healthy. I'm withering away. This shit has taken over my life and it's...I mean, it's not because of you rather how I reacted to you."

Gavin nodded and urged him to keep speaking.

"I'm not the same person I was when I started school here. Neither are you or even Ryan for that matter. I'm not even the same person I was when you left, both times. I'm this monster. I'm a fucking monster and I'm destroying something pretty damn important. I...I need the time on my own to sort this out."

"I understand, Michael. I mean, I'm nowhere near the same boat as you, but I get the strain. My mum is dying and, quite honestly, I'm very distracted by you to focus on her. I'm such an ass for saying that..."

"No, Gav, shit, it's your _mom._ You're meant to focus on her, why the hell else would you have left to go home in the first place? I mean, before it was challenging, but I love you too much and I'm just hurting all the time. I can't go on like this."

"I care about you as if you were a long lost cousin." Gavin nervously chucked. "Even so, I mean, we can always keep in touch.”

Michael nodded, feeling this indescribable weight being thrown from his shoulders and plunged to the unknowns of the sea. Gavin felt the same freeing feeling, where another stress was just scraped from the plate. 

“I have just one more song for you.”

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,_  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promise to depart just promise one thing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. 

_This is what I brought you this you can keep,_  
This is what I brought you may forget me.  
I promise you my heart just promise to sing,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. 

_Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

_This is what I thought,_  
I thought you need me,  
This is what I thought so think me naïve,  
I promise you a heart you'd promise to keep,  
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. 

_Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

_Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep._

Gavin wiped his eyes and smiled.

"You're tippy top, Michael."

"Well, you are too."

\---

Michael, once he hydrated himself with Ryan nearby, finally gave a solid, final cry to Gavin. He clung to the roses he made for him, along with his shirts and photos and rainbow ode. Ryan stayed by his side until he was stable, and even then he called off his plans with Jack to stay by his best friend. All the while, too, Ryan kept an eye on Gavin via text, to make sure the other was healthy, too. 

"Come on, don't you worry. You'll have the rest of your life to make even more, even sillier choices that'll make you cry even harder. What's one breakup?" Ryan would tease. It would make Michael smile, just for the moment, but then it would return to the crippling, returning feeling of loneliness. 

Ryan tucked him into bed, with Michael on his back gazing into the ceiling. When Ryan went to make his own couch bed, Michael stopped him in his tracks. 

"Stay here?"

Ryan sighed, smiled and crawled in happily right next to his platonic soul mate. Michael wrapped his arms around him, the way they would back home on nights where they felt alone and desperate, but here it was a new kind of feeling. It was their sense of freedom mixed in, without their parent's input or anyone elses. They made their own decisions, and these were the repercussions. 

Just as Ryan was nodding off, Michael squeezed him extra hard to get his attention. "What's up, kid?" Ryan mumbled.

"I think I need to go get medical help, finally," Michael whispered, letting this wash over him. Ryan picked his head up and looked at the other man. His hair was thinner than ever before, and despite having his hormone therapy, his face still looked puffy from retaining water. His skin was cold to the touch and lost its soft, inviting feeling. Ryan, for one of the few times Michael had ever seen, started to cry.

"When we go home tomorrow, that's our first stop."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow.
> 
> Here we are, the end.
> 
> Well, for two weeks, at least. Come back on February 6 to see these dorks again. I couldn't just leave it at this.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything these past 5 months. I never thought I would be able to write 50,000 words out of this silly idea. I've overcome so much and this story is the best way to wrap up my childhood. Tomorrow is my 18th birthday and I'm so happy to call this story my greatest writing achievement.
> 
> I love you all.
> 
> my twitter - @michael_kyan  
> my tumblr - maniacmessiah
> 
> (also the song in the chapter is Prelude 12/21 by AFI)


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